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Dr. Lindsey Doe: Woo! Hot! Fantasies are the sexiest thing I can think of. They are the most universal sexual phenomenon within and across cultures almost everyone fantasizes. So, with help from our Sponsor, Adam & Eve, here's what you need to know about fantasies.

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1. Fantasizing can improve your sex life.

Patients who struggle with sex aversion, lack of interest and difficulty getting aroused are encouraged to fantasize because it activates the limbic system, which then turns on the reproductive system. This goes for people without sexual disorders too. Sexy thoughts make everything sexier.

2. Generally men and women fantasize differently.

Men are twice as likely to fantasize about: what they hear, see, and read; sexually explicit content; body parts, and sex acts (the physical, rather than the emotional). They're more likely to fantasize about multiple partners, anonymous partners, and a variety of them, culminating in an average of 1,000 objects of desire in a lifetime.

Comparatively, women are more like to fantasize about themselves as objects of desire. More likely to have familiar partners, a setting and a plot. The themes of their fantasies are more primarily of tenderness, loss of control and dominance, which are slow to unfold, and imply behaviors rather than fixate on the sex act.

3. Rape fantasies do not a rapist make.

One of the most common fantasies are being raped by or raping someone (usually phrased in the research as being "forced or overcome by someone to have sex") Study findings vary slightly around the 50% mark, suggesting at in some point in our lives, at least half of us fantasize about rape. 

That is, at least half of us have complete control mentally and physically over a character version of ourself being raped by someone we consent to be in our fantasy, so as Paul Joannides puts it, "not rape at all". 

4. (This one is important!) What you fantasize about is not necessarily what you want in real life

Fantasizing about rape doesn't mean I want to be raped. Fantasizing about other people doesn't mean I want to be with them. Imagining I have a penis, isn't need for surgery - just as unprotected sex with a stranger here, in my brain, isn't the desire to actually put my vagina at risk. 

Fantasy/ Reality - there is crossover, like this Venn diagram, but not everything here goes here; the same way that not everything I do sexually turns me on mentally.

5. How to share your fantasies.

Violet Blue has a helpful book The Ultimate Guide to Turn Your Fantasies into Reality. You can also create a "Want/Will/Won't" List of fantasies you'd like to come true and ask your partner(s) to do the same. When you're ready, compare the lists without judgment and negotiate terms for the ones you agree on.

Lindsey 1: "I'd like to lick your anus"

Lindsey 2: "The germ swap in that makes me turned off, but if you were to use non-microwavable cling wrap, I'd be all for it."

Keep in mind wanting fantasy to become reality is a spectrum, with some people over here (wanting it all to be real) and others wanting it all to be in their heads.

6. Disgusting, impractical, taboo, dangerous and illegal stuff is probably ok in your fantasy-land.

Like all these fantasies! Sex while driving - not safe for you or others on the road, but masturbating to the idea of it can be bubbling sex-cauldron hot! Anal sex with ten consecutive people? Impractical (at least difficult) but in your fantasy? That asshole is a champ!

That's why fantasies are so cool! You can go anywhere your mind wanders - which I encourage. Unless you have trouble coming back to reality.

7. Fantasizing can be harmful...

...if you consistently use fantasies to check out of your emotions in life. While fantasizing can increase libido and improve sexual performance, other fantasizing can lead to erectile difficulties, broken relationships, and dependence like a drug.

An ever-increasing need for more images to be more extreme to get the same level of arousal you had at the beginning is an indication that you need and deserve professional help. 

8. Fantasies provide a positive escape from reality too.

Just the other day I was feeling exhausted and unsexy and disconnected from my partner, but by using my sweet, sweet mind, I was able to briefly imagine an energized me, sexy and horny, having mutually gratifying sex. My brain carried this message to my groin, and my groin engorged with blood. Then the arousal invigorated sleepy Lindsey, so I was able to roll over and act as if I was that sexy, sassy woman from my fantasy.

People do similar fantasizing for limitations of their bodies, their partners, and their resources.

9. Fantasies can serve as test runs.

Not for breaking the law or pushing boundaries, but for doing what you or someone else wants to try before actually doing it doing it. For example: if you're thinking about a threesome, something you haven't tried before, but want to, fantasizing about it first is a way to preview what can happen, rehearse it as many times as you need to, and trouble-shoot the hurdles as they come up.

It's not going to be totally accurate because you can only control yourself in reality, but it's a great starting point. 

10. Fantasy can lead to orgasm.

This is really two parts.

Part A: People who struggle with having orgasms, as in they aren't sure how to, find that fantasizing helps. This is because of things I've already mentioned: limbic system; better sex; better communication; a way to escape reality's pressures, and preview a new experience.

Part B: As for people who are orgasmic, fantasizing can make orgasms better. Ok, you knew that, but did you know that it's actually possible to orgasm from fantasy alone? As in: no touching, no vibrations, no pelvic thrust - just the use of that enormous sex organ - your brain.

Stay Curious!!!

Want some play things to help you act out your fantasies? Woah! promo code: Doe will get you 50% off of any one plaything, and free shipping if you're in the US. 

You can use "The Accommodator" -  this toy is actually designed to realize the fantasy of two lovers at once. One performing oral sex, the other penetrating. Use a condom!

Fleshlight - to simulate sex with a vagina on a cis-woman, trans-man, trans-woman, gender-queer person with a vagina who is super into you!

Candy cane waterproof vibrator - that you can use in the water, to satisfy your fantasy of being pleasured by a brightly colored merperson.

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