*intro music*

John: Hello, welcome to Dear Hank and John, a comedy podcast about death, hosted by myself, John Green, and NOT my brother Hank Green who is on tour, but instead, my mom, Syndney Green.

Sydney: Hi there! John Green.

John: Hi! How's it going?

Sydney: Uhh.. It's going pretty well. I'm sort of missing Hank but it's good to see you.

John: I also miss Hank but I'm very glad to have you here as a guest. So the way it works in this podcast is we answer your questions, we provide you dubious advice, and we give you all the week's news from AFC Wimbledon, and this week, not news from Mars, but instead a recipe!

Sydney: Yes! I'm very excited about the recipe!

John: I am too, because I just ate it for dinner last night and I thought it was delicious.

Sydney: I know! It was delicious! Who knew?

John: So how are you doing, Mom?

Sydney: I'm doing.. I'm doing well! I'm glad to be here in Indiana, it's a beautiful summer, spring, day. It's good to see the grandchildren, nice to see you!

John: Yeah! We're excited about the Indy 500.

Sydney: *gasp* We're very excited about the Indy 500, I've picked out my guys.

John: Who are you- do you even know their names?

Sydney: I do!

John: Who are your guys.

Sydney: I- you know- I- I have a personal love of Montoya, just because of the princess bride.

John: *laughs* The Inigo Montoya connection?

Sydney: Yes! Exactly! And-

John: *laughs*

Sydney: and if not him, I do like Simon just because he gave you such a hard time in the Grand Prix.

John: When I drove the pace car at the Grand Prix of Indianapolis, Simon Pagenaud, with whom I am personally acquainted, uhh.. kept riding my bumper. He kept- uh- I don't know- uh- if he was just trying to warm up his tires, or if he wasn't satisfied with the speed the pace car was being driven, but he kept roaring up, right up to my bumper.

Sydney: I know.

John: It was frightening.

Sydney: I know. So I sort of kind of like the idea that he wins.

John: *laughs* So- So you like him?

Sydney: And then you know, you can't help but not like the puddle guy.

John: Oh yeah, James Hinchliffe. 

Sydney: Yeah, what a story.

John: James Hinchliffe, he's an amazing guy, really great, a lovely person, very generous, does tons of work in the community here in Indianapolis. So, of course, when this podcast is being- uh- actually listened to, the Indianapolis 500 will be in the past.

Sydney: Yeah!

John: So uh- we'll know..

Sydney: It'll be interesting, who we picked, if we picked correctly.

John: Right, well let's hope that it's James Hinchcliffe, Juan Pablo Montoya, or uh- Simon Pagenaud, that's who you're rooting for.

Sydney: That's what I'm rooting for. Do you have similar, or different?

John: I have an Indy car fantasy league. I'm going to be reading all the questions because I have the computer-- Oh wait, Mom, I forgot about the short poem.

Sydney: You did! I was wondering. I'm very excited about this.

John: Alright, I do have a short poem. You'll never guess what it's about.

Sydney: Uhh Death?

John: It's about death. You're correct. This is a beautiful short poem by Langston Hughes, one of the all time best short poets in my opinion. Um he wrote--this poem is actually just called "Poem".

I loved my friend
He went away from me
The poem ends,
Soft as it began-
I loved my friend

Sydney: oh

John: It might not be about death; it might just be about a friend break-up, but it's very sad, isn't it?

Sydney: It is very sad. 

John: I love "The poem ends, / Soft as it began- " 

Sydney: I do too.

John: Ah he's good.

Sydney: Maybe you'll keep that one for my funeral.

John: Oh goodness gracious, must I? Must we go there?

Sydney: Well I don't know; it's a podcast about death.

John: Now people are seeing where I got the obsession from.

Sydney: Well, you know, I'm still candidly thinking about the fact that my adulthood started when you guys broke my uh cookie jar.

John: (laughs) So, the answer I think, Mom's answer is that adulthood begins when the last memory of your college boyfriend is destroyed by your children. 

Sydney: Yeah, there's something to that, isn't it. Yeah. Or I feel like both you and your sister probably are right there in adulthood. Yeah, I think you're just making the transition.  It's a--in my opinion, it's a long transition.

Sydney: I know, God, oh. you know this is why I've never divorced your father because he understands the armrest rule and he's always with me when we fly.

John: Okay, so, one way or another even if you're in the middle seat you get an arm rest 'cause you're sitting next to dad.

Sydney: Yes

John: I think that's a really good– but, I mean, you know, we probably just made Lauren's life worse.

Sydney: Yeah, we probably did.

John: Because now she's like "Great, I also don't have a flying partner".

Sydney: Yeah, and I have been in that situation before and it's just– only I remember mine I was next to basketball players who is very tall. So it was more than just the armrest.

John: His whole body.

Sydney: His whole body, yeah.

John: But it's a hard thing because he's also having an unpleasant flight because he's probably six eight in a coach seat,

Sydney: Yes.

John: So, you, on the one hand you want to be empathetic on the other hand you are suffering and it's hard, when you're suffering, to be empathetic.

Sydney: Yes.

John: So what would you do in this situation?

Sydney: Well, you know, I actually would kind of look at both and look for the more empathetic one, and, uh, lean over and ask him for the armrest.

John: Oh, you ask? See, what I would do, I would put my arm down if there's like, one eighth of an inch of the arm rest available for my arm I will put that arm down and I won't make physical contact with the person, but my arm hair will make physical contact with his arm hair...

Sydney: Brilliant!

John: and then they get the nudge and they're reminded: I am in the middle seat. I am the one who deserved these arm rests.

Sydney: That's brilliant!

John: Thank you. Thank you. I don't like to brag but that is what I do. I do not– I do believe if you are on the isle or on the window and you use the middle seat's armrest-

Sydney: That's rude.

John. You're a criminal.

Sydney: Yeah, I think so too.

John: That's just terrible.

Sydney: And I think the fact that your arm hair would touch their arm hair is, is a powerful statement of creepiness.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't believe in touching strangers but I don't mind if my hair touches their hair.

[Both laugh]

Sydney: Okay, that just creeps me out slightly.

John: Sorry. 

Sydney: I have a little shiver there.

Sydney: ...There's a lot of pause there because, you know, not so much do I dance, but, in my day, when I was a teenager, I would practice with my friends and we would kind of figure out what was most comfortable for us, and that's what I would do.

John: So how long have you been married?

Sydney: Um, forty years.

John: Do you feel comfortable slow dancing with Dad?

Sydney: No. I really dislike it.

John: You just don't like doing it?

Sydney: I don't like dancing, and, and, no, I don't like, no, I don't like it.

John: You know that, that famous, sort of cliché phrase "Dance like no one's watching"?

Sydney: Never has happened to me in my life.

John: That, for me the issue is that if no one's watching, I don't want to dance.

Sydney: Exactly.

John: Yeah, I have no desire to be dancing. I also have no desire to be dancing when people are watching, but, like, when I'm alone in my room listening to music, I am not one to boogie down.

Sydney: No.

John: I am, however, 

Sydney: Hank, Hank 

John: Hank!
Sydney: Oh my god

John: Hank- Winter Park High School's Best Dancer

Sydney: Yes he was!

John: In 1994 he was voted Best Dancer at Winter Park High School. You know I used to, uh, introduce Hank on stage, back when we toured a lot together, and whenever I would introduce Hank on stage I would list his accomplishments: Inventor of 2D glasses, which render 3D movies in a crisp two dimensions, uh, founder of the environmental technology blog EcoGeek, um, and then I would say that, the last thing I would always say was that in nineteen ninety, uh, six or whatever, he was named "Best Dancer" at Winter Park High School- which is true!

Sydney: It is! It's absolutely true. And remarkable.

John: And he's a good dancer!

Sydney: Oh, he's a great dancer.

John: He and Katherine can boogie.

Sydney: Yeah

John: And somehow it did not come to my half of the family.

Sydney: No...

John: But, I am an expert in slow dancing. And here's my opinion. Just go with it. Um, just do what makes you feel comfortable, um, you should sway back and forth and it's okay to turn, I think, in a slow circle. So some foot movement, uh, I usually go in a clockwise circle, and then as far as how much space should be between you and your date, that's really a question of how comfortable you are with your date and not something I feel particularly qualified to weigh in on, but I think, you know, just, um, if you're not comfortable with them, it's fine to just hold the- lock the elbows,

Sydney: Yup

John: I think, just lock the elbows and just do not touch, except hand on waist, hand on shoulders, and just keep that comfortable distance

John: But if you're comfortable then you can, you know, you can touch.

Syndey: Yeah, I think that the arm lock is also kind of a sweet look. 

John: I don't think I- before I got married, I don't recall ever slow dancing in a way that was at all comfortable.

Sydney: No, me neither, no.

John: And still I don't love dancing, but Sarah, like when we go to weddings, Sarah likes to dance.

Sydney: Yeah, fortunately your dad still doesn't like to dance either so...

John: That's nice.

Sydney: That is nice.

John: I"m a little jealous.

Sydney: [laughs]

John: I wish I'd married Dad

Sydney: [laughs more] yeah, well, Sarah's nice too.

John: Yes, no, I'm a fan of Sarah, she's great. You know we just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary?

Sydney: I know! It's so exciting, you know, and it reminds me of that magical moment of when we danced. And what was the song we danced to dear?

John: Well, the podcast listeners know, Mom

Sydney: Oh, that's right

John: Because Merle Haggard just died!

Sydney: He did just die, I heard that podcast.

John: It was 'Momma Tried' by Merle Haggard. I read the lyrics to 'Momma Tried' as the short poem for that week! [laughs]

Sydney: That's right, you did! I forgot!

John: I had an Emily Dickinson poem all lined up and then Merle Haggard died and...

[both laugh]

J: I think that's fascinating, actually!  I am super interested in trademark law, and one thing that all companies are terrified of is the genericization of their trademarks.

S: Yes, yes.  That's exactly what he did for a living.

J: Because if you just start calling 'soda', 'coke', then Coke loses the ability to be the only thing called Coke.  

S: Yes.

J: That's why, when we talk about Googling, people at Google always talk about 'search'.  

S: Yes.

J: They never use the verb 'to Google'. 

S: Yes, and you've talked about this before in your podcast.

J: Do you remember when Hank was on a very important business call with Yahoo many, many years ago, and they were like, so I don't know how familiar you are with everybody on the call, and Hank said, "Oh, I Googled all of you," and they--and they immediately afterwards, this voice comes over and she said, "Uh, we call it Yahooing."  Such a ludicrous verb.  I yahoo-ed you.  No, don't worry.  

S: That's almost like a poem.  Yahoo-ed you.

J: I know, I know your full resume, I Yahoo-ed you.  Now we're going to go completely off track--

S: Okay.

J: Because I'm going to tell the story of Sarah, on one of our first dates, Sarah grew up in the South, but she has Northern family.

S: Yes.

J: So she has a very interesting accent.  She always wanted to sound generically American and not Southern, but she grew up around Southern people, and this made her a lot of times put, the--she--she still a lot of the time puts the emphasis on the first syllable, no matter what, like, 'insurance' or 'umbrella' or 'garage' or whatever.

S: Ohhhh, yeah.

J: But she doesn't have an accent, she just does that one trick and so, on one of our first dates, she said something about the--she's conscious of it, so she's always trying to like, work against it, so she said something about Ya-who Mail, and I was like, what?!  And she said, "You know, Ya-who, the company."  

S: And you just wanted to go back, "Ya-hooooo"  

J: Yeah, I was like, I don't know where you got that from, man, that's super weird.

S: Oh, Sarah.

S: Yep.

J: Mom, it is almost time for us to move on to the very exciting new segment where you tell us how to use Dr. Pepper to make pork chops.  Is that what we're making?

S: No, we're making pork tenderloin.

J: Pork--pork tenderloin.  I apologize.  I--not only do I not know what the eye of the stove is called, I don't even know what a pork tenderloin is, apparently.  

S: Would you like to?

J: I would love to!  No, I grew up eating pork tenderloin, I know it, I know about it, anyway, we have a couple of responses from previous podcasts that are very important, in addition to the fact that Tuggle is not dead.  

S: Yaay!