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Is Pizza John inherently unsexy? Should I court familial disaster? Where else can I seek dubious advice? And more!

AFC update tag music is 'News Sting' by Kevin MacLeod.

 Introduction (0:00)

Hank: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John

John: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank

Hank: Its a comedy podcast about death where me and my brother John we answer your questions and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon and also give you dubious advice I forgot that part. How you doing John?

John: So Hank, the big news is that I do not yet know the big news because we are recording this podcast in advance and the big news is of course what happened in AFC Wimbledon's playoff semi-finals which I don't know yet but I'm going to come to you from the future and record a little bit at the end of the podcast that lets you know what happened. So there will be news from AFC Wimbledon but there wont be any news from Mars this week. Is that right?

Hank: That is correct I will not, unless, unless there is some really juicy Mars news which you never know but if they find life on Mars I will call in and add my additional news from Mars.

John: Okay, that sounds great. Well, in the meantime, we will move forward in whatever way we can.

Hank: As this podcast comes out I will probably be on tour so I hopefully am also doing well.

John: I hope so, I hope so. Do you want a short poem for the day? Its a very short poem that was sent in by an anonymous listener actually, ready?

Hank: Oh interesting.

John: Here it is, ready? It's just a couplet, two lines of iambic pentameter: 
The daffodil knows more of spring
than I will ever know of anything
Hank: Aaah. Mmmm, interesting.

John: Not bad right?

Hank: I like it, I don't know that I agree.

John: I don't know, I think the daffodil knows a lot about spring.

Hank: I think you may know more about everything than the daffodil knows about anything.

[John laughing]

John: Well yes that's probably literally true, that's a good point.

Hank: I apologize. I feel as if I've embarrassed my family with that comment. I feel like Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeting right now.

[John laughing]

John: Hank, can we just move onto some questions from our listeners?

 Question One (2:11)

Hank: Okay

John: I've got a good first question it comes from Valerie, who writes, "Dear John and Hank, I have sent many questions in although none have been answered do you know any other dubious places to seek advice?"

Hank: Well I hope we're not the only place to seek advice in the world, especially because we get so many questions that we cannot answer just due to the volume of them. We could do a Dear Hank and John every day, we are very lucky in that respect, we have lots of good questions, too many... so many that even if you send in one every week, there is a greater than average chance that we will never answer your question. So I apologize to all of those like Valerie, and second John do you have any thoughts on this?

John: Well sure, I go to Dear Abby for dubious advice, ya know there's Dan Savage if you need dubious advice about love or sex, I mean I feel like the entire internet is essentially made out of advice. Yahoo-answers--

[Hank chuckles]

-- is a great place to get very dubious advice. I sometimes like to go to the Web-MD forums...

Hank: Oh perfect, yes, excellent.

John: ...when I have a question about whether I have a hernia, because the advice there is exceptionally dubious.

Hank: Well yes I would probably say that Google is probably your number one place to go for dubious advice. Just type your question in and let the algorithm decide. And also maybe people in your life are also a good place to go for advice. I like to ask, or at least if it's not advice, just say the problem to people who I know so that they will have heard it so that maybe they will say something useful or maybe they will not but at least its not inside of me.

John: Oh, sure. So to summarize: first Google your question, then ask people you love, and then finally go to Yahoo Answers.

Hank: And fourth send us an email which we probably won't respond to unless its a question about "why aren't you responding to my email?" we will respond to that one apparently. I've got another question John.

John: Ugh, sorry Valerie.

 Question Two (4:17)

Hank: It's from Mariam who asks a really important life-changing universe-altering question, "Berenstain Bears (hard A) or Berenstain Bears (Hard E)?" John, I spent an embarrassingly long time looking up this, but tell me what you think.

John: Well, I always say Berenstain Bears (hard E), I don't know if that's correct I know its spelled with an 'a' but I've always pronounced it with an 'e' because that is the way I've heard it pronounced. What is correct?

Hank: Well I think that we were raised in a Berenstain Bears (Hard E) house hold and that's just what our parents did, but it is indeed the Berenstain Bears (hard A) has always been the Berenstain Bears (hard A) --
John: Wow!

Hank: And either, one of two things, well three things. I've read a lot about this on the internet. Its either we are really bad at spelling and reading and we just see what we expect to see. Or there's a massive conspiracy that has lots of tendrils that go far deeper than just the name of this children's book. Or this is proof of parallel universes that we sometimes slip in and out of and there is this very prevalent parallel universe in which the name of these books is the Berenstain Bears (hard E) not the Berenstain Bears (hard A), and we constantly in fact waver between those two universes, and it just happens that those are the two most probable universes and they are both extraordinarily probable with this one difference has roughly equal probability.

John: Other than that they're identical. You're proposing that Donald Trump is the republican nominee in both the world of the Berenstain Bears (hard A) and the Berenstain Bears (hard E)?

Hank: Apparently, yes.

John: It occurs to me by the way that lots and lots of people have no idea who or what the Berenstain (hard A) or Berenstain (hard E) Bears are. They are a family of bears that are popular in American children's literature and I believe there's also been a television program about them.

Hank: Yes, indeed.

John: Actually I have to say the books hold up pretty well.

Hank: Yea you've read them?

John: I read them to Henry. Now I know to pronounce Berenstain (hard A) correctly but I have to say of the things I could be worrying about this is not on the list. So lets move onto another question.

Hank: Deep agreement.

 Question Three (6:52)

John: This question is from Jesus who writes: 
"My name is Jesus" Hank this guy might be the new Ryan, "I'm 19 years old and live in Los Angeles. My mom moved from Mexico when about 11 years ago. I'm an immigrant but feel like I will never be able to call this my home because of the way immigration policy is set up and the hope for reform is dim. What are your thoughts on immigration and possible reform? I know this question might be hard to answer so if you'd rather answer this: how likely is it for the next president to not remove president Obama's so called 'dreamers' act' " through which children who were brought to the United States as undocumented immigrants are allowed to stay here legally. That's a kinda quick summery of the dreamer's act.

So the answer to that question is I think the next president will renew the dreamer's act. I also think there will be comprehensive reform in the next few years because we desperately, desperately need it. It is unconscionable to me that we haven't passed comprehensive immigration reform we have a deeply broken immigration system that results in many many people being separated from their families, being deported to countries they never  really lived in because they moved here when they were two or three years old. There's just so many examples of how broken our immigration system is. I really believe our next president and our next congress will do something about it but I also don't think our next president will be Donald Trump. If our next president is Donald Trump, obviously, really everything is up for grabs, I have no idea what the US will look like in that situation.

I'm really sorry that you feel like the United States can't be your home because we need it to be your home. Its not just good for you its good for all Americans. Immigration is an incredibly important part of how our nation has grown the past 150 years and its how the United States is going to grow economically and culturally in terms of political engagement. It's and incredibly important part of our growth and I look forward to the next 100 years. So I really hope for a future in which you can call yourself an American because I think that is the future that we want to be in as a country I think its a better, stronger country for all of us if that happens and I'm sorry that it hasn't

Hank: Yes, John I agree you have covered that very well and I want to know that I certainly feel like he is an American and an important part of what makes this country this country. I've got another question John.

 Question Four (9:55)

This question comes from Suzy who asks, "Dear Hank and John, I love to listen to your podcast during my commute, often my bus is busy and I end up sitting in a row next to a stranger. Once the bus clears our should I move to the empty row giving myself and the other passenger space, or should I stay in the seat to avoid giving the impression that I desperately want to get away from the person next to me?"

John: this is a great question Suzy its on of the great deep questions of being a person on this Earth in the 21st century. 

Hank: This has happened to me on airplanes as well were I'm sitting next to a person and then right across from us there is an empty row and I'm like "I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna go." like its a long flight and neither of us want to be sitting next to a person and like in moving I give us both space and unless I want to have some kind of relationship with this person, I think everyone appreciates that.

John: On the other hand, I do always feel a bit abandoned when some one does that. I think to myself is there something so wrong with me that you don't want to sit next to me? I know that's not rational, but I do think it, so I understand Suzy's concern here.

Hank: I do understand the concern as well what I'm about to say is a completely different situation but I wanted to talk about it. I was in a movie theater recently, seeing Captain America, and during the previews there were some guys behind me and they were talking and they seemed, they had loud voices and it seemed like they wanted me to hear what they were saying because they wanted me to know how clever their jokes were. And there was even some smacking of the popcorn bucket, which I didn't understand, there was lots of popcorn bucket smacking and I was like what is happening? and so I decided, I'm not going to risk it that these guys are going to be talkers and I'm going to be sitting next to talkers the entire movie. And I just got up and I was like "Katherine lets just go to another seat" and we moved. And it was a less good seat. It wasn't a terrible seat, but I just I thought that I'm going to take my destiny into my own hands and say hey lets just not risk it and I don't care if I'm going to hurt these guys feelings by leaving their jokes behind I'm going to go sit in a quieter place."

John: Is that the whole story?

Hank: That's the whole story, yes.

John: That might have been the oldest person story you've ever told Hank.

[Hank laughing]
Like, while you were telling that story I think you aged 45 years. In summary, Suzy -- for me that was a really old man yells at clouds moment. Anyway, to summarize, Suzy, I think that we should just collectively decided that if there is an empty row where you would be more comfortable it is not about the person next to you, or if it is its about wanting to make their life better as well. So lets just all embrace the idea that we are going to seek that open row when it is open to us and we are going to celebrate the space that it gives us and that its not in any way a negative reflection on the person you were sitting next to, but instead on how great it is to be in your own row.

Hank: Its good, its good, its good. You got another question for us John?

 Question Five (13:20)

John: I do this one comes from Amy who writes "Dear John and Hank, my boyfriend Matthew and I have been dating for almost two years now, and so far everything has been wonderful with the exception of one issue. Matthew knows I am a huge fan of your work including your podcast there's even a possibility he himself may become a Nerdfighter someday. Our biggest issue to date has been my Pizza John T-shirt," for those who aren't aware their is a T-shirt available now at featuring my face with a mustache and then beneath it is the word pizza. Why does this exist? It's extremely complicated I don't even know why it exists at this point its a thing. Anyway "Matthew says that its hard for him to kiss me or hold me when I wear the Pizza John shirt cause there's a large mustachio'd man  staring down at him. Along with a stereotypically American food item printed beneath it. He says that it just ruins the mood. Is Pizza John inherently unsexy? Do you have any dubious advice on how Matthew and I can continue to thrive in our relationship without having to compromise my Pizza John shirt?" First off Amy, let me congratulate you on your priorities.

Hank: Wait wait wait. Yeah. Second did you just ask the question "Is Pizza John inherently unsexy?" As if there is an option in which Pizza John is not inherently unsexy. Of course Pizza John is inherently unsexy.

[John laughs]

John: I don't think Pizza John is unsexy. I think there's something very romantic, what's between me and my beloved? Oh it's a middle aged man with a mustache and the word "pizza."

Hank: I, Amy have legitimately had this problem before where Kathrine is like "Nope, nope not with that shirt on."

[John laughs]
It may be a little different because it's her actual brother in law but yeah. Pizza John is indeed inherently unsexy.

John: Yeah, I was gonna say, I'm with Katherine on that one.

[Hank laughs]

Hank: But yeah, I think that this may be an excellent opportunity to change into something more comfortable.

John: Yeah, you know what I would say? To be honest Amy, I would say that there are so many great t-shirts available right now at that don't have my face on them. [Hank laughs] and I would ask you to maybe consider purchasing one of those. Or many of them.

Hank: But I will say that Pizza John, though inherently unsexy, is completely inside of the boundaries for cuddling, and if anyone feels that Pizza John should not be cuddled, the problem is with them not with your shirt.

John: Now you're making me think about all the places my face has been which is something I'd rather not consider, let's move on.

 Question Six (16:08)

Hank: Alright, John I've got a question here from Jared, I like this question. "My youngest sister is getting married for the second time. For the first marriage my wife and I were very generous with a wedding gift when we didn't have a lot of money. For her second wedding my sister has created a wedding registry and is making very un-subtle hints to my family about what she really wants off of it. My family has mentioned that she's already gotten a wedding gift from all of us but that has not deterred her from hinting at more gifts. My question is: is it appropriate to not get a gift for a sister for her second wedding? Am I being cheap? Is taking a stand on this matter courting familial disaster? Thank you, for your dubious advice." Uhhhh yeah, I mean... there's two questions here: there's "should I court familial disaster?" and there's  "what is the etiquette?" and the question is does it make sense to you for the etiquette to interrupt and to create familial disaster?

John: Yeah I mean for me avoiding familial disaster is worth more than a gravy boat. So I would buy the gravy boat. But I'm not one to stand on my principals as we've talked about in the past on the podcast. I'm the kind of person who will sell out his principals in a second to avoid unnecessary conflict.

Hank: [laughs] Yeah, well I think like this is kind of a situation where this is kind of the thing to do. You don't want to be like, OK I'll send them an article from a website being like "here's the actual etiquette of second wedding gifts." Don't do that. Because clearly this is a person who is important in your life and she wants support in the way that she wants support. Apparently for her that has to do with gifts off of her wedding registry. If you want to make a stand for second wedding gift etiquette, then you can let her know what the proper etiquette is which is that wedding gifts are usually helping someone get a good start on life and that's not something you're supposed to get twice and many people don't even get once and let's be honest, is that more important than supporting your sister in the way she wants to be supported? If it's a financial issue then you should let her know that it's a financial issue and hopefully she would understand that.

John: I mean, is that really the etiquette of wedding gifts though? Like, isn't it more about celebrating the marriage? I mean I think there's two reasons to get a wedding gift, one is... the idea is, I guess, once upon a time people didn't have silverware when they got married so you would give them silverware so that when they moved out of their parents' house they would have their own silverware or whatever, but that doesn't seem to me most of the time why we actually get wedding gifts these days, we get them to celebrate weddings. I agree it is awkward. I will tell you there have been a few second weddings where I have not been too thrilled about sending that second wedding present so I'm sympathetic, but I just think that this is a moment to avoid courting familial disaster.

Hank: I agree completely, but I do think that wedding gifts, and in general wedding... like the idea of a wedding registry where you ask for things to help build your new life, that's what it's about, and that is a valid thing for a second marriage and there are lots of reasons why that might be useful and I'm not saying that that should only happen once but... I've read some articles it's generally thought that people going into second weddings are much less likely to have a registry at all. But they can also be at different positions in their life and there are lots of things that...

John: I mean this just seems like is this the hill that you want to fight and die on?

Hank: No! It is definitely not the hill to fight and die on.

John: I just mention that because we're like halfway through the podcast and we hadn't mentioned death yet so I had to squeeze it in there somewhere. [Hank chuckles] Good lord, we've been talking about death so little lately it's distressing to me.

Hank: You got another question for us?

John: Not really, no I'm too busy contemplating which hill I will fight and die on. I mean at some point Hank there is a case to be made that like... I always say... when we have private conversations that aren't podcasts, I always say "is this the hill that you want to fight and die on?" That's like one of my saying to you. And it occurs to me that I'm basically saying that there's never a hill that you want to fight and die on and maybe there should be. Maybe there should be, I'm just not sure that it's the second-wedding-gift hill 

Hank: I definitely think it's not that hill but I also think that we all have to die someday, so it might as well be fighting on a hill.

John: Yeah, I'm gonna keep my eye open for what is the hill I want to fight and die on.

Hank: Yeah, absolutely. But don't die though.

 Question Seven (21:23)

John: Alright Hank we have a question from Jacob who writes "Dear John and Hank, why have there been so many celebrity deaths this year? Or are there the same amount of celebrity deaths and I'm just paying attention more?" I think that there have not been more celebrity deaths than there usually are, but that we are all paying more attention. I think that the internet is very death-focused, the internet is kind of focused on death as a social activity or mourning as a social activity and I think that that causes, every few days, the death of someone to appear on the trending topics of twitter and the front pages of our facebooks and I think that that is the difference, I do not think that 2016 has been an unusually fatal year for celebrities or anyone else. I think that life is really defined by death and that it is always with us and that we have just noticed it a little more in 2016. I am glad to see other people coming around to my lifelong ceaseless awareness of the temporariness of all human endeavor, that's all I can say about it. 

Hank: And I don't have anything to say about it because I simply do not know. It would be interesting to see a statistical analysis. There are outliers in any stochastic system and deaths of people would be one of those, especially well-known people which is a smaller group of folks that just humans. I do want to say that in the movie Deadpool there is a death pool where people bet on when people are going to die, and on that chalk board in the bar where Deadpool hangs out, there are a number of references to folks and Ryan Reynolds and I think... So Ryan Reynolds is the pick of John and then right under John it says Hank who is the pick of TJ Miller and many people have guessed that this is in fact a reference to Hank and John Green of the Vlogbrothers which is us! I am looking at an AV Club article about that very thing and it says "While it seems unlikely, those names are a reference to Hank and John Green of the Vlogbrothers"

John: Wait, "While it seems unlikely," they're saying it as if it's a reported fact?

Hank: According to the AV Club.

John: According to whom? I mean did the AV Club interview the production designer?

Hank: I don't know, it says it on the AV Club so it's... there it is.

John: Well I would be delighted to be on a chalkboard in the movie Deadpool. That stands right up there with winning the Printz award in 2006 in terms of my lifetime accomplishments. 

Hank: And let's not forget having the highest possible score at Wii Tennis.

John: Yeah, I also am one of the five best Aerofighters players on Earth.

Hank: It's great to pick esoteric things to be good because there's no competition.

John: Uh, that is really the key in my experience.

 Question Eight (24:37)

Hank: OK, here's another question for you from Kate who asks, "Dear Hank and John, mosquito season is starting in New York and it seems that there are few things more startling and annoying than the sudden high-pitched buzz of a mosquito in your ear. Do you have any dubious advice about how to block out this sound while sleeping, but also in a way that doesn't overheat you and lets you hear the alarm clock in the morning? I realize that this problem is more of a nuisance but it sure would be nice to get some anxiety-free sleep." That sounds awful! Move to Montana! Are you serious!? I... Ooph.

John: You guys also have mosquitoes in Montana, I've seen them, they're the size of like small cars.

Hank: Yeah, but they can't fit in the house!

John: That's true, it's hard to get them in the house. They've gotta try to like go in sideways. [Hank chuckles] So Kate this is a nuisance for you but it is for many people much more than a nuisance because of malaria and other mosquito-born diseases including Zika virus which may be a problem in the United States in the next few years. I recommend a bed net, which does not overheat you and still lets you hear the alarm clock. Bed nets are great, I recommend a bed net treated with insecticide.

Hank: Those do work and they are available. I am so happy that that has not happened to me in a long time and I do remember when we lived in Florida that would happen sometimes and certainly at summer camp, and just... ugh that noise it is the worst. And they come right at your ear, I don't know why they do it. But I had literally, this week had a dream about that sensation, and it woke me up.

John: I have no affection for mosquitoes whatsoever. Hank is there a reason why we can't just eliminate the mosquito as a species form the planet? Like, we've been so incredibly successful at eliminating lots and lots and lots of species from the planet, why can't we just turn our human species-killing instincts toward the mosquito?

Hank: You know we did a SciShow on that very topic recently and it turns out that it's complicated, but that people do want to do it, and you know, scientists say that there will be ecological consequences but they probably won't be as significant as you might think. And it would be such a huge public health win. There are, it should be said, hundreds of different species of mosquito, there's not just a mosquito and that's that. So that makes it a little more complicated, but there are people who have ideas about how to eradicate particularly the relatively few species that carry the most dangerous diseases, so that's something that we're looking into.

John: Actually, I think that one of the problems with malaria is that it's carried by a lot of different but like Zika I know is only carried by two. Anyway, we are so far outside our area of expertise right now, pretending to be etymologists... or entomologists, not etymologists, those are people who study the history of words. Entomologists. Whatever, we're so far outside of our expertise that I literally don't even know what I would call myself if I were an expert on this subject.

 Question Nine (27:58)

Hank: You know John, I have a question here that is kind of an etymology question. Should we ask that question now?

John: Great, yes.

Hank: It's from Zoe who asks "Dear Hank and John, my colleagues and I noticed a confusing issue with Microsoft word this week and haven't been able to come up with an answer. Seeing as how we've progressed so far with data storage... like it's all in the cloud now anyway, why is the save icon still a picture of a floppy disk? Are there any computers left in the world with a floppy disk? Do kids born in the late 90s even have any idea what that is? I'm finding it difficult to understand why there aren't more people confused by this."

John: Yeah, no, I don't disagree with you Zoe. I think the reason that it's still a floppy disk is that we have sort of internalized that as what saving looks like. I don't think that people still think about floppy disks, at least the uh... what was the, there was like a five inch one that was actually floppy that we had with like the Apple 2C and then they came out with those like three inch floppy disks that were not floppy, they were hard, but they were still called floppy disks.

Hank: Which is an excellent example of the very thing that is happening here which is that words start to mean different things as the things that we need words for change. Like cut and paste. We say cut and paste when we mean control C control V and we say floppy disk when in fact it is a hard disk, it just uses the same technology as the old floppy disks. So the save icon now has come to mean save, the image of a floppy disk is what saving looks like... at least in Microsoft word. It's certainly not on a Mac, so maybe that won't stick around. But all words have context and all the symbols that we use have context that's deeper than what we associate with them now. So it's all of human history getting bound up and hidden in the current expression of language and our culture that we have at this particular moment in time.

John: Hank is such a good entomologist. (Hank chuckles) Um, the only other thing I'd like to say about this is that Hank we've talked before about how incredibly bad I am at predicting the future?

Hank: Mhmmm, yeah me too.

John: And so the answer to the question "does anyone still have a floppy disk slot" is yes because I've kept one that I've kept on a computer that I've kept continuously running since about the year 2002 and on that computer it has all of the outdated technology that I believed would last forever: the 3.5 inch floppy disk, the CD drive, in fact I remember when Mac first released a computer that didn't have a CD drive on it. I remember saying "well that's ludicrous. You can't have a computer that doesn't have a CD-rom drive.

Hank: Oh man, I said that--

John: Here I am holding a computer that doesn't have a CD-Rom drive, I'm so bad at predicting the future.

Hank: I said that about floppy disks when Mac first released a computer that didn't have a floppy disk, I was like "No one is going to buy that, it doesn't have a floppy drive. How am I going to install SimAnt on that computer!?"

John: Exactly. Well soon they're going to be releasing computers that don't have screens or even microchips and instead it's just uh... you know like a small piece of plastic that's 3D printed and then they shoot it up your nose and it just merges with your brain.

Hank: Uuuh, yeah, absolutely, it's right around the corner.

John: Anyway Zoe, the answer to your question is that to me the floppy disk, the continued use of floppy disks, is the hill that I have chosen to fight and die on. I'm gonna use them forever, I will never give up on floppy disks, what a fantastic technology.

 Commercial Break (31:48)

Hank: This video is brought to you by floppy disks! Floppy disks--

John: Video?

Hank: Oh shoot! (cackles) This PODCAST is brought to you by floppy disks. Floppy disks: They hold very little information and aren't even floppy.

John: And yet I have decided to cast my lot with them with them for the remainder of my life. This video is also brought to you by the empty row in front of you. The empty row in front of you: now, as decreed on this very podcast, yours for the taking.

Hank: This podcast is additionally brought to you by that gravy boat that you didn't want but got at your wedding. What is that for? Why don't you just use a bowl with a spoon.

John: I actually quite like my gravy boat and I don't appreciate you talking bad about them because I believe I bought your gravy boat at your wedding!

Hank: I could not tell you.

John: And lastly this podcast is brought to you by Pizza John. Pizza John: interrupting romantic encounters since 2009.

Hank: (chuckles) Beautiful John, beautiful.

John: Thank you so much. Hank we've gotta move onto the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, but of course there is no news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon so instead this is the part of the podcast where we from the future will magically appear to tell you what happened in AFC Wimbledon's playoff semifinals.

 News from AFC Wimbledon (33:15)

(catchy trumpet tune plays)

John: Hank, moments ago, literally moments ago AFC Wimbledon in extra time at Accrington Stanley WON three-two on Accrington, they tied two-two on the night they were down two-one, everything was darkness if looked like they weren't going to be going to Wembley, that their season was gonna be over but that is not what happened. Instead, what happened it that Adebayo Akinfenwa scored a beautiful Adebayo Akinfenwa beautiful headed goal in the second half and that set the game into extra time. And then in extra time there was an amazing run, I don't-- was it Rigsy? I don't even remember who made the run, somebody made the run I think it was Rigsy. The goal keeper made a great save, but who was there to put back the ball into the back of the net but Lyle Taylor, the Montserratian Messi, the Messi from Montserrat, with an amazing goal! Wimbledon, in extra time, go to the playoff finals. I'm going to Wembley Hank. I don't know how yet, I haven't figured out the exact mechanics through which I'm gonna be able to go to the Indy 500 and to Wembley but I'm going, I'm gonna figure that out as soon as I stop recording this podcast. The news from AFC Wimbledon is that everything is beautiful, nothing hurts, AFC Wimbledon going to Wembley where they will play Plymouth Argyle, at Wembley, a one game playoff, the winner goes to league one. Unbelievable.

(trumpet tune plays)

John: Hank, can you believe that incredible drama, can you believe the either good or terrible news?

Hank: I cannot believe it! I also feel like we went into it a little early but maybe not.

John: No we didn't.

Hank: Oh! I guess not, we've been going for a long time! Oh! Oh geez, I had no idea. Well I'm very excited for your news, or possibly devastated by your news.

John: Me too, I have never been so happy and/or devastated. All I can say is this either was a great season for AFC Wimbledon and I'm so proud to be a sponsor of their team, or this continues to be an amazing season for AFC Wimbledon and I'm so proud to be a sponsor of their team!

Hank: Well that's the right way to look at it, John. Either way, you and your team have done great things this season and I heart it.

John: Well I'm so glad that it's made you happy because just as a reminder, you do pay for part of the sponsorship.

Hank: Yes John, AFC Wimbledon is bae.

John: What?

Hank: Bae.

John: Oh, is that one of those internet words that I've seen but I don't know how to pronounce?

Hank: Yeah, I hope I'm pronouncing it correctly. 

 Update (36:10)

John: (chuckles) Oh man, you're such an etymologist. Hank before we get to what we learned for today I just want to include one response that was sent in by Tessa, "Dear John and Hank, I was just listening to episode 43 where you talk about compliments. I am currently 7 months pregnant so I'm something of an expert in receiving 'compliments' that make me uncomfortable." Hank it is so true. I don't know if we've talked about this on the podcast before but people are terrible at complimenting pregnant people.

Hank: (chuckles) You look-- you're huge! You're so small! Yeah.

John: She writes, "People tell me I look small, big, uncomfortable, tired, and 'like I'm due any day now,' I'd like to offer some dubious advice on doling out compliments that I think you may have missed. 1. please compliment people on things they have chosen: clothes, hairstyle, possessions; not on physical features they have no control over: skin color, shape, size of body, 2. if you must comment on someone's physical appearance (and you don't, it is always acceptable to say nothing) say 'you look great!' with no qualifiers at the end like 'for how pregnant you are' "
Both: (laughing)

John: "Protip: speculating on when a pregnant person is due is an indirect comment about their size, so if you're interested try asking instead of guessing." Tessa where's your podcast? I'd listen to that.

Hank: We should have you on as a guest.

John: Thank you for the great advice Tessa, you look fantastic!

Hank: (giggles) No qualifiers!

 Outro (37:51)

John: So Hank what did we learn today?

Hank: We learned that it is indeed the Berenstain Bears and not the Berenstein Bears, and that possibly this is evidence of a parallel universe we exist inside of.

John: (chuckles) I mean, I'm gonna say that that's not likely, but I guess it's possible. We learned that whether to buy a second wedding present is perhaps not the hill to fight and die on because that hill-- I actually forgot what my hill was Hank, what was my hill that I was gonna fight and die on?

Hank: What was your hill? Oh the floppy disk...

John: Oh the floppy disk hill! Of course! What a brilliant decision by me! I have cast my lot with a technology that shall never age.

Hank: And John, we learned that AFC Wimbledon is either going to the playoff final or not, but we definitely learned one of those two things!

John: I also learned whether or not I'm going to London on May 30th.

Hank: Oh yeah!

John: And lastly, we learned that if you can't get dubious advice from Dear Hank and John, there are lots of other places on the internet where you can get dubious advice, first and foremost among them Yahoo answers.

Hank: Oh yahoo, oh Yahoo answers. So good.

John: Never stop answering.

Hank: Never stop answering. 

John: Long may you answer.

Hank: Thank you for listening to this podcast called Dear hank and John, I'm Hank Green, that other guy is John Green.

John: This podcast is edited by Nickolas Jenkins, our intern is Claudia Morales, we get lots of question help from Rosianna Halse Rojas, you can email us at, you can also send us questions via the Twitter where I am Hank Green NOPE, I get that wrong every time, I do not know my own name. Where I am John Green, Hank is Hank Green, you can use the hashtag #dearhankandjohn, thank you again for listening. Our theme music by the way: Gunnarolla, forgot about that one. Thank you again for listening, and as we say in our hometown 

Both: Don't forget to be awesome.