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Why isn't John on Hank's Top 8 on MySpace? What is the correct way to eat an Oreo? Is my can opener a sign that I've entered an alternate universe? And more!

 Intro (00:00)


H: Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

J: Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

H: It's a comedy podcast about death where my brother and I answer you questions give you dubious advice and bring you all the week's news for both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. It feels like forever since our last podcast John but there's so much news from AFC Wimbledon.

J:  So much news from AFC Wimbledon, Hank. I'm exhausted because as I speak to you I have just gotten home from our amazing trip to Wembley. Our dad was there Rosianna was there Meredith, who edits the the Wimbly Wombly games that we use to sponsor AFC Wimbledon was there. It was an amazing amazing day at Wembley 57000 people in the stadium to watch Plymouth Argyle take on AFC Wimbledon for a spot in the third tier of English football. AFC Wimbledon with the smallest stadium in the fourth tier of English football, one of the smallest playing budgets. It was just an amazing day Hank. 22,000 AFC Wimbledon fans were there. They were wearing DFTBA on the back of their shorts at England's national Stadium. After a tense scoreless first half, in the second half, 15 minutes in, Lyle Taylor that man Lyle Taylor, the Messi from Montserrat, the Montserrat International, just got enough of a touch on a cross to send it into the back of the net and as the ball like rippled in the back of the net I thought to myself, he wasn't offside and the ball is in the net so that means that Wimbledon have scored and all around me everyone was celebrating and I was just thinking... but how is this possible? How did this happen.

Yes there must be something wrong. I've done such a good job of explaining to myself over and over again that just getting to Wembley was an incredible accomplishment for this team.

It never really crossed my mind that they might win. And then in the 96th minute -- there was an astonishing amount of extra time in the game, Hank -- Adebayo Akinfenwa scored a penalty to ensure that AFC Wimbledon were going to League One.

They won the game. The team that just not too long ago had like a 5% chance of having a 25% chance of being a third-tier English football team suddenly and unexpectedly has a 100% chance of having a 100% chance of being a third-tier English soccer team. Hank we sponsor a third-tier English soccer team.

Our community has now watched AFC Wimbledon get promoted. It's their sixth promotion since the club was reformed in 2002. It's just an incredible story.

I'm so grateful to everybody. I went back to King's Meadow after the game, Hank, and I want to say thanks to the AFC Wimbledon supporters who sang my name. Nothing has ever made me happier.

But I gotta also say all the players went out and and hung out with the fans after the game because they understand that it is the fans who own this team and it was an amazing thing to hang out with the captain Berry Fuller, Adebayo Akinfenwa. It was just, it was amazing. Just what a crazy day.

I'm so glad that I went. I'm sorry you weren't there, but it was wonderful.

H: And I assume that there is more news from AFC Wimbledon to come later, because I feel like you just gave all the news from AFC Wimbledon already.

J: Oh no no no that's just the beginning of the news from AFC Wimbledon.

H: Well we'll get to that at the end of the episode.

J: Yes, how are you? I'm sorry, your just back from tour. How was tour?

H: I am so happy that I did it. We saw so many dear Hank & John listeners. People are very excited every time I meant to the podcast on the stage. They are big fans of the pod, John. This is a thing and people love it. And I'm so happy, I'm so happy that you like it, you people of the world. Share it with all your friends.

J: I also met many fans at the pub when I was at Wembley. People kept coming up to me and saying they enjoyed the podcast. And it was great, it was so fun. Thanks everybody who listens and thanks everybody who supports us on patreon.

We don't like to talk about how this podcast is properly sponsored, but it is sponsored in truth by our viewers. So thanks to all of you. Hope you enjoyed the monthly Google Hangouts that we do but also, we just want to say that we really appreciate you supporting the podcast.

But thanks to everybody who listens and also you can head over to Patreon if you want for things like pictures of Tuggle, the cookie jar, that it turns out Hank did not destroy.

H: Thanks also to Mom for being on the pod. John, do you have a short poem for us?

J: I do have a short poem, Hank. It's Now Let No Charitable Hope by Eleanor Morton Wiley an American poet from the sort of late 19th early 20th century. "Now let no charitable hope confuse my mind with images of eagle and of antelope, I am by Nature none of these. I was, being human, born alone. I am, being woman, hard beset. I lived by squeezing from a stone what little nourishment I get. In masks outrageous and austere, the years go by in single file. But none has merited my fear and none has quite escaped my smile." Eleanor Morton Wiley with Now Let No Charitable Hope. I love that idea that no year has quite merited her fear and none has quite escaped her smile. There's little bit of hoping that poem and I'm just feeling very hopeful right now because I have been reminded that occasionally improbable wonders do befall us.

H: All right. Well congratulations on having an improbable wonder befall you John. Put that on a t-shirt and it'll be great. J: Let's get to some questions from our listeners.

 Question One (06:00)


H: I've got one. This one is from Riley who asks, "Dear Hank and John I'm a graduate student studying agriculture chemistry and earlier today I was delighted to find out that I got a grant which will allow me to do a study about greenhouse gas emissions from manure. Shortly after I was walking across the quad when a bird defecated right onto my head. According to the internet a bird pooping on your head is considered good luck.

Now I am not generally superstitious but considering the poopy coincidence, can I interpret this as a good omen for my research to come or am I just trying to make the best out of a crappy situation?" Thanks for the question Riley.

J: Oh Riley. I appreciate your pun. No it is not good luck to have a bird poop on you, in my opinion.

H: Says you!

J: No I don't think that it's good luck.

H: First I think maybe it's good luck but the bird was just a late.

J: Interesting.

H: And the good luck was retroactive with regard to the grant that was already given. But then additionally I think that pretending like bad things happening to you, bad things that you cannot control, and that are not caused by anything but mere coincidence, like just bird poop... It's good to imagine that they're good, since they are objectively bad but you can't avoid them. It's a thing that's going to happen sometimes.

J:  Yeah I guess I just don't want to become too dependent on like looking to the heavens for omens because I think that's a bit of a dangerous business. Because you then you start to see bad ones and that becomes a kind of self-defeating thing, so I try to avoid that, but I don't always succeed.

H: Also if you're looking to the heavens four omens and like literally you might get poop in the eye.

J: That's bad.

H: You gotta make sure that you keep your head level so that the poop falls on a more impervious surface. I got pooped on recently, by a bird I was having coffee and it pooped on my hand, in the hand I was holding my coffee in, but not in the coffee, and I felt like that was, I thought that was a nice coincidence that it was just on my hand and not in my coffee.

J: So in summary our advice in this situation, Riley, is under no circumstances should you ever look at the sky. You should just assume that it is up there now, but never look at it, because there is a small chance but a very real chance that a bird will poop into your eye and that would be bad luck

H: Bad luck, sky poop. Sky poop is bad.

 Question Two (8:24)


J: Okay Hank we have another question. This one comes from Cass who writes "Dear Brothers Green" -- good try Cass, but no. She writes "Dear John and Hank, my girlfriend and I have a long debate going and we're going to need you to clear something up. What is the best way to eat an Oreo? I am a fan of dunking it in milk roughly halfway, letting it sit for a couple seconds, then eating the cookie, and when I've had my fill then drinking the milk. She thinks that you have to drop the cookie into the cup with milk, let it sit at the bottom, and drink the milk until you find your soggy Oreo."

H: (laughing) Okay Cass.

J: Hank I think we can agree that neither of these ways is the best way to eat Oreos.

H: We cannot, and I throw my pen on the ground in distaste, and what we can say is that there is no wrong way to eat an Oreo. Unless all Oreos are bad, I don't know. Maybe they are.

J: They're not great for you, but I don't think the vitamin A or anything. But okay, there is no wrong way to eat an Oreo. But you and your girlfriend should probably stop fighting about this, etcetera etcetera but in fact can I tell you the way that I eat an Oreo?

H: Yes please.

J: What I do is I dip it about halfway in water which is exactly like dipping it in milk but without any of the grossness of milk.

H: (yelling in disgust)

J: Why are you making the noise?

H: Because I hate you.

J: Why? Oh, I thought there was no wrong way to eat an Oreo.

H: Next time you just dip it in some hydrogen sulfide.

J: There's nothing wrong with dipping your Oreo in water gives you all the moisture that milk does without any of the gross milkness.

H: Okay I'm just going to have a final say on Oreos. I'm going to ignore you completely and say that the wonderful thing about Oreos is that there are many different ways to enjoy them, you can break them open and lick the cream, you can dunk you can not dunk, and all of the ways have their own benefits and that's the thing that I like about Oreos and the reason why I don't allow them in my house. Because I will eat the whole package in one or two days because I have no self-control.

J: Yeah I'm in the same boat actually, I have to be very careful about what I bring into my home because I will be eat it.

H: Oh yeah, oh yeah. So I have not purchased an Oreo in a decade maybe. But I do eat them whenever I'm at a friend's house and they have.

J: Yeah I love to dunk a good Oreo in water when I'm at a friend's house as well.

 Question Three (11:05)


Let's ask another question, Hank. This one comes from Tanmay in India who has a fantastic question. She writes,  "Dear John and Hank, I saw Hanks Myspace profile, myspace.com/whgreen and I observed that John was not on Hank's top 8. Why is that?" (Hank making noises) This is apparently this episode of Dear Hank and John where stops communicating in traditional English words and only uses sounds.

H: I'm looking at it right now, oh here's my top 8. I just clicked on something and I saw a human butt.

J: Welcome to the new MySpace.

H: I'm looking at my top 8 right now, and these are all real friends of mine--

J: Yeah, your wife's there.

H: --Except for that person, who is that?

J: I don't know who that is.

H: I remember that person's name, but anyway. Yes, my wife is there. And a bunch of friends, and also the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. So I was more of a friend with a wildlife refuge than I was with you.

J: Yeah well I guess the answer to that question is that back when Hank and I last updated our MySpaces, which for me I think was in 2006, back then we were not as close as we are now. So I probably wasn't one of Hank's top 8 friends. Hank, do you remember that song by Molly Lewis, about MySpace?

H: Uh-huh, uh-huh, (singing) I hope that you forget about your MySpace, I hope it slips completely from your mind, and I hope it stays up long enough for the next generation to find.

H: Yeah, that one.

J: That song has became so hilariously prophetic. We have all forgotten about our MySpaces. In fact, we have lots of young listeners who right now are asking themselves "what is a MySpace?" A MySpace is what a Facebook was before regular non-college and high school students could access Facebook. And MySpace was a huge huge deal, and now it has become a sort of strange library of American life in the years 2004-2006.

H: Well I mean it's changed so much that it doesn't really look like what it used to look like at all. I have like seven pictures on my MySpace, four of them are just of me, and one of them is of Katherine, and there's like thre people in my MySpace pictures who are not me.

J: That's weird. Yeah I know, it has changed a lot. But it does still serve as a kind of library. I'm actually looking at my MySpace now and I must have updated it in 2007 at the latest, because it has a copy of Paper Towns on it.

But yeah, most of my pictures... there's some from my honeymoon, there's one of Paige Railstone so I guess we used it during the Vlogbrothers era, and then there's my first author photo, and a picture of me feeding an iguana on my honeymoon. So it was in that era when I was going on honeymoons, which does seem to me to be in the distant distant past.

H: Alright, well I am now on the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge's MySpace, so we're going to have to move on to the next question, lest we spend the entire episode just, yeah.

J: Otherwise we're just going to fall all the way down a rabbit hole.

 Question Four (14:35)


H: So here is another question, this one is from Lizzie, who asks "Dear Hank and John, shouldn't gravy boats be called gravy baths, as the gravy is inside of it?"

J: I like that we're really focusing on the hard hitting difficult questions today, Hank.

H: We'll get there. We'll get to some hard questions, John. I think that we'll get to some harder ones. I have some strong opinions on this if you don't.

J: I do have a strong opinion. But I suspect that your strong opinion is that "gravy boat" is the wrong word and that we should start using "gravy bath," whereas I actually really like "gravy boat."

H: I agree with you, I agree with you because gravy boats are-- the gravy is the passenger in the gravy boat, and it is sailing in the ocean of Thanksgiving Dinner.

J: That's right, so it is a-sail on the ship of your dining room table, and the gravy is the passenger.

H: Yes. The water in this metaphor is just the ethereal nature of the feast that you are consuming.

J: That's beautiful Hank.

H: Things are like like other things, John.

J: You missed your calling by not being a poet, "things are like other things" is one of the best poems I've ever heard in my entire life. It's a simile, but it's also a metaphor, it's got a lot going for it. I actually think I might get a "things are like other things" tattoo someday.

H: I have to say that I stole that joke from Twitter, and I don't know who tweeted it, I just saw it on Tumblr, and the tweet was "yes! we get it, poets, things are like other things!"

J: I'm glad you acknowledge having stolen that joke. Which I mean, it would've been perfectly plausible to me that two people thought of that same joke, but I appreciate your honesty.

 Question Five (16:20)


H: Alright, so I feel like you want a more difficult question, John.

J: If you have one.

H: Yeah, I have real questions here.

J: No, that's a real question, the gravy boat versus gravy bath issue, but I think, can we delve deeper into the human experience, is my question.

H: Alright, yes. This question is from Eva, who asks "Dear Hank and John, I have a chronic illness, arthritis, and I have great meds so my symptoms are under control, but I still go to the doctor twice a year to keep track of it. I was thirteen when I was diagnosed, which meant that my parents came to the doctor with me. So a few days before my appointment this week, I was reminding my dad of the visit and my sister was surprised that I wanted him there, since I'm eighteen now. Is that weird? Is there an age at which you should go to the doctor alone? My dad still handles my prescriptions, because it's complicated and there's money involved, but in addition to that I like having him there. He's a smart guy. At which point am I expected to go to the doctor by myself?"

J: Well I think this is another thing where adulthood is a process, not an event. Or, if there are events in it, they sort of only appear to you in retrospect. But I definitely don't think you need to stop having your dad go to the doctor with you the day you turn eighteen, if you find it useful for him to be there.

H: Yeah I think that there is a large amount of information transferal that continues from parents to children forever, and creating systems for that to happen is great. And your dad has been to the doctor more times than you have, and knows how that works, and it's often good to have two sets of ears in a doctor's office so that you remember things more better. And if you don't have that, then it's always also good to maybe take a piece of paper and a pen or take notes. But yeah, I think that there will be a time when you will head out and be doing that sort of thing on your own, and getting comfortable with that is part of life.

J: Yeah but there's no particular hurry.

H: No, absolutely not.

J: You hear a lot about how adolescence is, like, being extended and people aren't diving head first into adulthood the way that they used to or whatever, and I think that is a big load of hooey. We have always had a kind of slow process through which adults become adults. It has never been instantaneous, it has never been the day of your bar mitzvah or the day you turn eighteen, or any of that, and I think that I totally agree with you that there is this transferal between children and their parents that should last as long as it can last, because I think it's very useful.

H: Absolutely.

J: That said, at this point I don't think that I'd want my dad going to the doctor with me.

H: No, not unless it was a--

J: Well actually, it wouldn't be that bad. Depends on what doctor.

H: Especially if it was something that I had not gone through before, but dad had. Like, our dad had cancer and if I had cancer I might be like, hey, I wouldn't mind having my dad there since he's been through this before. Maybe that would be a useful thing to have.

 Question Six (19:27)


J: Alright Hank, here's another question. This one comes from Andrea who asks "Dear John and Hank, I recently graduated from college with my Bachelor's in Education, and I got a job as a lead teacher at a Head Start center. I love my job, my kids, and the mission of the program, but sometimes I find my family asking when I am going to get a job at a 'real school.' It's true the pay isn't as great as it would be at a public or private school, but I'm single and I can afford my lifestyle so far. And plus there are more things involved than just money. How can I stay affirmed in my choice of career and tune out those people in my life who don't think of preschool teachers as real teachers?"

Well Andrea, I have two preschool-aged children, and let me tell you that in my opinion their teachers are real teachers who will have a long impact on their lives, and the idea that people who teach five year olds or four year olds are doing less important work than people who people who teach six year olds, strikes me as, frankly, ludicrous.

H: Yes, I agree, and I've been thinking a lot about the way we decide culturally how we decide what jobs are valuable and not valuable, and by extension what lives are valuable and not valuable, and the more I think about it, the more it angers me. Because it is seems often like the jobs that we praise the least are the ones that have the most impact on individual people, and the ones that we praise the most are the ones that have small impacts on large numbers of people. But I think that like the work that we do to care for each other is the most vital and most human work that we do, and I think that-- but but but figuring out how internalize that in a world where maybe you're getting signals that that isn't the case, is difficult. So I just want to say that you are doing great work, and internalizing that is a process but the more you do it the better. The more you know that you are doing a great job, you are being the best that you can be at the work that you are doing. And the people that you care for, and the parents of the people that you care for, will be the beneficiaries of you being great at what you're doing, and you are great, and thank you.

J: Yeah, it can be difficult to do that without outside affirmation, and unfortunately the main way that people assign value to work is the salary or hourly pay of that work. Which I totally agree with you Hank because there are lots of impacts you can have on people's lives that are not well measured by the free market. And especially with someone like Andrea who says like she's able to afford her lifestyle in the work that she does, then the work itself needs to be as valuable to her as possible. And I think that taking care of kids and helping them learn and getting them excited about the world around them is incredibly important work.

 Question Seven (22:35)


H: Alright John, I've got another question, if you're ready for that.

J: I'm ready, bring it.

H: Madison asks, important question here, "Dear Hank and John, I've lived my 22.5 years believing that farts are completely harmless. This was until my partner called an exceptionally audible and fragrant fart of my an 'air poop' and it got me thinking. How much should I worry about aerosolized fecal matter impacting our health. Is there a limit I should be aware of? Or is my partner just absurd? I feel ridiculous asking this as I'm a college graduate, and I feel as though I know better.

J: Well I am not a scientist, but I am someone who is deeply afraid of fecal contamination...

H: And?

J: And even so, I do not think you should worry about this "air poop," because in all likelihood you have two layers between you and the air poop. Your underwear, and whatever shorts you are wearing.

H: What if you're in the bath?

J: Well then you have a water protective layer. That's why I don't take showers.

H: (laughing)

J: You need the water barrier, Hank. Everybody knows that.

H: John, I have a question for you.

J: Yes.

H: Do you think there's ever been a room in human history that contained enough fart to be dangerous?

J: (giggles) Probably not. I just think that this is a-- you know what just occurred to me? It's true that we talk about death a lot on this podcast, but we might talk about poop more.

H: It's possible, we haven't talked about death a single time this episode and poop has come up at least twice.

J: Well I've been thinking about it. Death I mean, but also poop, they're not totally unrelated.

H: You know that dead bodies can poop.

J: Great, that's great, thank you for that. I feel that my life has gotten better for knowing that.

H: Back in the beginning of the space program, they worried humans would create enough hydrogen and methane to increase the likelihood of there being fires in space missions, but that turned out to be not much of a concern. So there are toxic compounds in our poop, methane is somewhat toxic but not nearly as toxic as hydrogen sulfide, which is also in our poop-- our farts... and in our poop. But hydrogen sulfide is a very dangerous compound even in very low quantities. We can smell it very easily, which is why if you smell a smart that smells very rotten egg-y, that means there's probably a very small amount of hydrogen sulfide in there. But it would be impossible to have enough hydrogen sulfide in a fart to cause a toxic reaction without you just running as fast as you can away. Which does make me a little concerned about astronauts, because there's nowhere you can run to, and they do have to have air scrubbers to purify the air and to always be circulating new air into the space station, because it can get stinky in there. But it would be way more stinky, before it got dangerous it would be so stinky that everybody would just run away anyway. BUt you don't have to worry about, like, the traditional dangers of poop, which is the bacteria, which are way too large to be aerosolized. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle, John. And I'm really proud of myself for having talked this long about poop farts. Air poop!

J: I mean, you just kept going. You're clearly trying to make this another episode of the podcast where you talk more than I do. Madison, long story short, you have nothing to worry about. Your partner is totally wrong about air poop.

 Question Eight (26:27)


Let's move on to another question. This one is from Alice who writes, "Dear John and Hank, I've been watching Vlogbrothers since I was in middle school, and I'm now finishing my second year at UC San Diego." Wow, thank you for sticking with us all those years, Alice. "I want to get some dubious advice about decreasing world suck. I'm a global health major, and I often struggle with how to make an impact when I feel like I'm unequipped to be useful to people in need.

How do you recommend approaching helping in a way that is respectful and actually useful, and also how do you pick one problem in health or in other fields to work on when it seems there are so many ways to improve the world at so many levels and in so many disciplines."

J: I think that's a great question, Hank. And the first thing that I would say, and this is a mistake that I feel like many of us make in the rich world, that we've been making for a long time when it comes to addressing poverty and global health. Which is that I think it's incredibly important to listen. To listen to what people living in poor communities know much much more about the health problems in their communities than we do, and when we come in and try to establish our ideas about health and our solutions a lot of times that becomes either ineffective or counterproductive.

H: Yeah, and John knows a lot more about this sort of thing than I do. The other thing I'd say is, when you're trying to pick, I feel like picking things can be very difficult when you're trying to decide what kind of work you're gonna do, and you have a lot of options. Sometimes the best thing is just to pick. You're doing good work no matter what, and I find that oftentimes it can be a little paralyzing to have too many choices, and I solve that problem by not choosing, and basically doing a mental dart throw.

J: Yeah I don't think that's a bad idea, actually. I also find like multiple choices to be overwhelming. So listen to people around you, the problems that they find interesting, the problems that they think our solvable and then I think listen to people in the communities you want to help, about what they think they think their biggest problems are, and go from there. But I do agree that in general it's good to just kind of get started. And then you learn as you go along, and you go down many wrong paths, and you have many wrong directions. But at least you're on the path, you know.

 Question Nine (29:07)


H: Absolutely. We have another question. This is from Puck, from the Netherlands. "Dear Hank and John, my sister just sent me an adorable DFTBA French llama toy thingy, but I've only been a nerdfighter for about a year, so my question is, where did this French llama come from? I tried looking for the video where you explain it but ya'll have made too many videos. This is a positive thing, I love your videos. So can you please explain the story of the llama before me and my sister buy them? Thank you, you are great." Thanks for giving us an opportunity to talk about our new llama toy!

J: Puck, you know how to ensure that your question gets on the podcast. Our new llama toy is available now at dftba.com, along with lots of Dear Hank and John merchandise, and other things. Activewear, bobble-heads, lots of stuff.

 Commercial Break (29:53)


H: Lots of stuff. This episode is also brought to you by air poop, whether it's coming from the butt of a bird and falling into your eyeball because you were looking to the sky for omens, or flying out of your butt at maximum speed, air poop, always there to be good luck maybe? I feel like I did a really good job with that one, John.

J: That wasn't bad. Today's podcast is also brought to you by water. Water, and unappreciated accompaniment to food.

H: Today's podcast is additionally brought to you by your Top 8 on MySpace. Check it before you wreck it.

J: That's terrible, it isn't funny and it didn't make any sense. Although I guess if it isn't funny, why am I laughing.

H: And by "it," I mean your relationship with your brother who is not in your Top 8 on MySpace. There.

J: That still isn't funny but I'm still laughing. And lastly this podcast is brought to you by death. Death, it hasn't been mentioned on today's podcast so I thought I should squeeze it in here.

H: Yes, death, of course. Do we want to get back to the llama question, because we got a little distracted John.

J: Yes. So the story of French the Llama. It's so complicated that I can't even really tell it. Maybe Hank and tell it, but I don't really remember it. It was invented by Kristen, who is a long time nerdfighter, during the Project for Awesome in either 2007 or 2008, and basically it is an exclamation of joy, like "French the llama, AFC Wimbledon are a third tier English football team!" would be an example of how to use French the llama. And over the years, I have been trying to make it into a thing, like making it into an expression that lots of people use, the way that that one character did with fetch in the movie Mean Girls. And just like fetch, it hasn't happened yet, but I still believe that it might happen.

H: Still working on it. A problem with French the Llama is that its internet shortening, FTL already has several different meanings, including "for the lose," which is the opposite of "for the win," and "faster than light" which is more of a science fiction abbreviation than an internet one. But but I am supportive of John's quest even if I don't personally share it.

J: Hm. I appreciate that. So yeah, you can go to dftba.com, get lots of good things including those llama toys if you are interested.

 Question Ten (32:32)


Hank, let's answer a couple more questions before we get to the all important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. This question comes from Kate, who writes "Dear John and Hank, my mother is interesting. I love to follow the rules, like one day about two years ago we were on a vacation up in the mountains in North Carolina, and we came across an abandoned theme park of Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz. There was a fence around it, and on the gate a No Trespassing sign, so of course I wanted to follow this. But my mother insisted we break in and see what it was like. It ended up being a very fond memory. My question is, do you think it was wrong that we broke in? I still feel guilty over it, but the gate wasn't even locked, and other people were wandering around the abandoned park." Hank, what do you think on this one?

H: I am delighted that this is the interaction, that the mother is like "let's break some rules" and the child is like "we must follow the rules." It used to be the opposite, I feel like. I think that it's fine to break the rules sometimes, especially if the gate isn't locked. They maybe are putting up the "No Trespassing" sign purely as a way to eliminate any liability, to say "we said don't go in, and they went in, and then they got hit by a thing that fell out of a tree."

J: Bird poop.

H: It may have just been bird poop. Very dangerous bird poop.

J: It is if it gets in your eye.

H: I think it's great. It sounds fun to me. I did just recently enter a No Trespassing area for the purposes of urban exploring, myself, and I know that you have done that as well, John.

J: Yeah, where did you go?

H: It was not so much urban exploring, as abandoned office park in the desert exploring. It's called The Domes in Arizona, and it was this incompleted weird office building that some tech company tried to create, but then it never got moved into, and now it's just these weird space-like structures that are very cool and off the highway, and I really enjoyed visiting them. You can see a little bit of it in my second-to-most recent Vlogbrothers video.

J: Yeah I also enjoy urban exploring although I am somewhat troubled by the ethics of it, and try to remain on the right side of the ethics of it whenever possible. I did break into an abandoned theme park in Germany once and it was awesome. So great. It wasn't really breaking in, it was a similar situation where I just opened an unlocked gate. But it was very very cool, and I ended up making the 999th Vlogbrothers video there. So we're probably the wrong people to consult on this particular topic, because we're probably more like your mom. But in any case, I just don't think that you should feel guilty about it, I think you've just got to let it go and enjoy the fond part of the memories, and then the next time you have a chance to break into an abandoned theme park you'll have to make that decision anew.

H: John and I have, I think, different perspectives on rule breaking. I generally tend to think it's okay, as long as you're not hurting anybody or yourself.

J: Well, I mean, I like rules.

H: There's a certain societal structure that giving sanctity to the rules creates, and that is a sort of greater good. I feel like that's your perspective, John.

J: Yeah yeah yeah. I'm in favor of preserving the rule of law, and I think paying attention to the rules does that even when the rules are maybe not the best rules. That said, there are obviously rules that need to change, and civil disobedience, breaking those rules on purpose, is a very important strategy for changing them. So I don't want to do away with all rule breaking.

I just think in general I am very fond of structure and order.

H: Yes, says the person who has benefited greatly from the current structure and order.

J: Admittedly. But I was more thinking about personally, people with OCD tend to have or create very structured lives. I wasn't thinking about the larger systems of structure, which are in many cases profoundly unjust and I do try to be aware of that. Hank let's try to get to one more question.

 Question Eleven (37:03)


H: Alright. This one's from Phil who writes "Dear Hank and John, about a year ago I opened my kitchen drawer to take out the can opener, and open a can of soup, but when I held it in my hand to open the can it felt all wrong. I looked at it questioningly, and while it superficially looked like the same can opener, there were elements of it that I didn't recognize. The handle was slightly the wrong shape, the weight was a couple of ounces off, and it was more stiff to use. I mentioned this to my wife, and she maintains that it is the same can opener we've always had. I love my wife, and I trust her not to lie to me about the existential state of our kitchen implements, but is it more likely that she bought a new can opener and didn't tell me, or that I am now not residing in the same universe as the can opener I have used for much of my adult life? How can I tell?"

J: Phil--

H: Phil--

J: I'm going to tell you the God's honest truth about this. You have to let it go. If you don't let it go, it will take over your life. It will become the consuming question of your life and on your death bed you will look up at whomever you are dying in the presence of, which will likely not be your wife because she will have left you because this thing is going to become so consuming in your life, and you will say "it wasn't the same can opener," and then you will be just as dead as you would always have been.

Is it possible that you live in a multiverse that was like twisted around this one particular can opener? Yes. Is it likely? Yes. But you have to let it go or it's going to consume you.

H: I want to know what kind of relationship Phil has with his wife that he's like "but you're lying to me about the can opener!" Why would she lie?

J: 'I trust my spouse, but she has been known to lie about replacing kitchen implements.'

H: 'I do trust her very much but--'

H: I think somebody broke into your house and swapped out can openers.

J: Yeah I think it's totally possible. That's maybe what you should just decide happened, just for your own ability to navigate the universe as if it were a static thing. You need to decide that somebody broke into your house, switched out the can openers to freak you out, and that's the way it went down. I had a related thing happen to me once, Hank, where I went out into the parking lot of my apartment building in Chicago, and my car wasn't there. And so I called the police, as you do when your car has been stolen. And the police called me back and said "your car is half a block away, you just forgot where you left it."

H: (laughing) This happens all the time.

J: And I was like no, no I didn't, I parked in the parking lot, I am quite positive, there's no reason why I wouldn't have parked in the parking lot. But there indeed was my car, half a block away. And well obviously I haven't let it go, but I've been trying to let it go for the last fifteen years. Because the other possibilities are all unacceptable to me.

H: I'm gonna tell you just a little story before we get to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon, which is related. I once had my bike stolen and I was frustrated, and I got a new bike, and just dealt with it, and I didn't even call the cops because it wasn't a nice bike or anything. And then later, downtown, I saw my bike locked to a bike rack with my lock.

J: Wow.

H: And I unlocked it, using my code, and biked it away. Because indeed my bike had not been stolen, I had just forgotten that I had left it there.

J: Or that is the moment that you disconnected from the universe that you had always known up until that moment. One of those two things happened.

H: Possibly. One of those two things happened.

 News from Mars (41:03


J: Before we get any further down this rabbit hole, I'm gonna need to move on to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Hank, what is the news from Mars?

H: Well, John, as you may remember, back in early days of the podcast, we tried to figure out how much it would cost to get AFC Wimbledon and a competing team, let's just say Stevenage, to Mars.

J: Just kidding, we don't play Stevenage next season!

H: Alright, then one of the other sports teams. To Mars, to play a game on the surface of Mars. Now taking out of consideration the fact that you'd need to build an airtight stadium, and food and everything, we did some calculations and tried to figure it out.

We no longer have to do those calculations, John. Because SpaceX has just released a term sheet, basically a list of costs, that tell you how much it costs to send things to places. And you can send things to Mars for as little as 62 million dollars.

All you have to do is give 62 million dollars to SpaceX, and they can send up to 8860 pounds of stuff to Mars. If you want to send up to 29,000 pounds of stuff to Mars, that will only cost you 90 million dollars. It's a bargain bargain rate that requires the Falcon Heavy rocket instead of the Falcon 9 rocket.

So I think with 29,000 pounds, 30 tons of stuff, we could definitely get two football teams to Mars, and that's a mere 90 million dollars, John. That's all.

J: Well it's very rare that I get to correct you about something but 29,000 pounds is not 30 tons.

H: Oh yeah, you're right.

J: It's true, though, we could get two teams, with 14.5 tons I'm pretty sure that we could get two teams to Mars unless they were all composed of Adebayo Akinfenwa. Then unfortunately it'd be possible. The craziest moment of the League 2 playoff final Akinfenwa came on in about the 75th minute, he just causes so many problems for teams that are trying to figure out how to defend him, and there was this crazy moment right at the beginning of stoppage time where Akinfenwa was just standing still, and the ball was passed to him, and so someone ran toward him in an attempt to win the ball. They ran into Akinfenwa, and they were knocked unconscious.

H: (laughing) Oh my god.

J: Akinfenwa didn't do anything. Like all he did was stand, and he was called for a foul, and he was like "what did I do?" And then he looked down and he was like "oh. Well that's unfortunate but all I did was stand." And like a stretcher had to come on and stretcher off this poor soul from Plymouth who'd made the terrible mistake of running into a space currently occupied by Adebayo Akinfenwa. It was an amazing moment, and it brings me to the news from AFC Wimbledon. Very very sad news, Hank.

 News From AFC Wimbledon (44:00)


J: There's the immensely good news that Wimbledon in a stunning turn of events are going from having the smallest stadium in League 2 to having the smallest stadium in League 1.

But along the way three players have been released by AFC Wimbledon. And this is a weird thing that happens in football.

In fact, like in the interview immediately after the game, Adebayo Akinfenwa hilariously and beautifully said "I'm going to be released tomorrow, so any managers who are interested in my services, please hit me up on WhatsApp." He's amazing. He hugged the manager Neil Ardley and said "can you believe this guy is releasing me?" But it's true. AFC Wimbledon will be playing in the third tier without the services of Adebayo Akinfenwa. Callum Kennedy, who's been immense for Wimbledon, was also released.

It's a difficult thing. It happens after every season, I guess, but it just makes me... its sad, in the wake of something like this. That said, also Sean Rigg has been released as well.

That said, they do this as quickly after the end of the season as possible to get those people hopefully plenty of time to find jobs and I know that I will follow all three of those players, but especially Akinfenwa wherever they go from here, because they've just been such an important part of this amazing AFC Wimbledon season. And in Akinfenwa's case, I mean really I don't think Wimbledon would've been promoted without him. So he's an amazing player but he's moving on to other opportunities.

H: Why did they release him? I don't understand how it works.

J: Well because he's mostly played as a substitute, and I think he's at a point in his career where he wants to be playing for full games. And you know Lyle Taylor and Tom Elliott have just been preferred by the manager over the last season and a half. So I think it's probably the right thing for him as well, but it's inherently difficult. It's part of soccer I guess, but that guy is going to be a legend at Wimbledon for as long people are singing songs at AFC Wimbledon, they'll be singing about Akinfenwa. So that's the news. But the good news is that we are not playing Stevenage next season. Instead we're playing teams like Bolton Wanderers, Swindon Town--

H: Ooh Swindon Town.

J: And of course, most astonishingly, the franchise currently playing in Milton Keynes, Hank. The team that moved to Milton Keynes will be playing AFC Wimbledon. They'll be in the same league next season.

H: Take that!

J: Which I think says everything that needs to be said about whether it was in the wider interest of football to have the team in Wimbledon. The English FA in 2002 said that it wasn't. In 2017, I think we will be able to agree that it was.

 Comments (47:31)


H: Alright John, we have a couple of quick comments from people. Many people had comments about floppy disks. Sophie said that her dad works at a newspaper. When the FBI gives them data, they give it to them on floppy disks. And Jenna also works at a law firm in New Zealand, and says that business people sometimes prefer floppy disks because they're less likely to get malware on them. And Martino has a brother who once showed middle school students a floppy disk and they thought that he had 3D printed a save icon. (John laughs)

J: Also Alex writes "Dear John and Hank, my name is Ryan. In the most recent podcast Hank said this episode is brought to you by floppy disks. You may want to know that your 54.69 megabyte podcast would be brought to you by 38 3.5 inch floppy disks.

H: Oh man I remember those days when you used to have to have like seven floppy disks to play one game of King's Quest or whatever.

J: I remember it as well.

 Outro (48:26)


H: Thank you for joining me on this podcast, John. What did we learn today?

J: Well we learned never to look at the sky no matter what the circumstances.

H: We learned that gravy boats sail on the ocean of your dining room table.

J: We learned to delete your old social media profiles quickly before you forget the password.

H: And we learned that preschool teachers are awesome.

J: We already knew that, but I guess we relearned it.

H: Thank you everybody for listening to this episode of Dear Hank and John. It's a pleasure as always to have you listening to our dumb voices.

J: If you want to support our podcast, again, you can go to Patreon, patreon.com/dearhankandjohn. You can also find lots of cool stuff there. I think we're going to put Molly Lews's song about MySpace up there, as well as links to our MySpace profiles so that you can live what our lives were like back in 2006. This podcast is edited by Nicholas Jenkins. Our intern is Claudia Morales, we get lots of help with questions from Rosianna Halse Rojas. Our theme music is by Gunnarolla. And as we say in our hometown...

Both: Don't forget to be awesome.