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Uploaded:2014-10-03
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In which John talks about whether unicorns are the worst mythical beasts of all time. The Wimbly Womblys take on Ipswich Town.

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Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys who has today (trips over words). Who today are taking on as you can see the Witches of Ips. Ipswich Town whose err mascot logo thing appears to be from my vantage point some kind of um unicorn. Which is like a horse, but it has a ah a ah unicorn coming a a single corn coming out of the top of its head. Um I hate unicorns are they the worst mythical beasts of all time, well that's the subject of today's video. Um (tut) I don't want to alienate my unicorn loving Wimbly Wombly supporting audience obviously. So I just wanna begin this by saying that um there are many loathsome mythical beasts and er it it you know you could make a case for others werewolves, zombies

(1.00) Um by the way we are in 5th, we just we seem to love being in 5th, we can't give it up. Er and all we ever do is score a point Amankwaa Amankwaa in goal today disappointed er by that attempted penalty saved by Seb Brown and I'm showing him my disappointment ah. Michaela. D Michaela back in I still don't have a name for him er back in er in central defense our new signing eh had a good first game. Oh my gosh they've got D. McGoldrilocks. This is gonna be challenging. Remember you might remember D. McGoldrilocks hero, what did we sing when he scored um its too its too hot, its too cold its just right. I don't know it was a great song whatever it was. Oh yeah um yeah hes big hes red hes found the perfect bed. That's that's a very funny song, god I used to be a genius. Um I think actually a nerdfighter came up with that as as usual. So anyway and and and I understand that some people like unicorns and I don't

(2.00) wanna make those people feel like they're wrong just because they factually are. Um yeah YEAH YEAH AH HA. We almost defeated the unicorns of of Ipswich. Um so a couple of reasons why I hate unicorns. First off they embarrass people er they embarrass lots of people who think that there was a time when unicorns were real and then they are so embarrassed when like I heard an episode of This American Life once where a woman was telling the story of how she was at a party when she was a freshman in college. You know at her first drinking party and she was really enjoying hanging out with um with all of her new freshmen and college friends and drinking beer from the stereotypical American red red cup and um and uh animal rights and the er number of species that have become extinct in the last 500 years came up and er this young woman said er now are unicorns extinct or just endangered (chuckle) and that's humiliating, that is unicorns fault.

(3.00) If unicorns had never existed then that young woman would never have had to feel that intense humiliation and mortification that accompanies the thinking that the mythical beast was once real. Now some people would say oh that's her fault for not being educated to which I say NO no it is the unicorns fault for not existing. Um I don't even think this is an ambiguous thing. Then we have the fact that unicorns are responsible for the death of several of my favorite Harry Potter characters including a couple of Weasleys and Tonks. How you ask unicorns never killed anyone in Harry Potter? Oh my friend but they did. You may remember early on in the Harry Potter saga Voldemort was weak, he was dying, he was unable to go on he was so weak he had to be hidden. Come on come on come on go go go go go go go ugh. Long range shot long range shot long range shot. I liked that I liked everything about that except for the not scoring part. Um you may remember that Voldemort

(4.00) was weak nearly dead whats going to happen oh I know hes going to survive, thanks to who who who made him survive. Who's blood did he drink to get strong again. I don't know was it a werewolves blood, was it a zombies blood, was it a vampires blood er was it a griffons blood it wasn't it was a unicorns blood. Voldemort survived because unicorns exist in the Harry Potter world I know that they don't exist in real life but but but but that is why essentially many Weasleys died due to unicorns and er we would have a world with more Weasleys a fictional world I know still a world with more Weasleys if it were not for unicorns. So when you say I love unicorns I don't wanna put words in your mouth but you are basically saying I hate Weasley brothers and I think that's a terrible thing to say I don't I think its terrible and and now someone will say Voldemort is to blame for Voldemort's actions. Why did you dribble the ball

(5.00) out of bounds you are better than that. Voldemort is to blame for Voldemort's actions not unicorns like would you blame for instance uh you know would you blame like like like lets say that a that a person uh who's feeling weak eats a cow and then is stronger and then with his strength kills someone is the cow responsible for that murder? Did did the dead cow commit murder? Right like lots of people are probably asking that question in comments and the answer to that question is yes. Yes that dead cow is responsible for that murder, yes the dead cow was a murderer and yes the dead cow should be executed. Should be unfortunately it has been eaten so that's a bit of a problem but we should take what remains of that dead cow and we should kill it. Um so yeah unicorns killed Tonks and caused that young woman in This American Life story to be humiliated and I find that reprehensible

(6.00) and I don't understand why people go on defending the actions of unicorns. Um the pretty much all I know about them is that they have a horn and that they make people sad uh and or kill people. So yeah I even I don't really know the the the the the position defending unicorns its. OH NO ANYTHING BUT THIS. Oh what a tackle game saving tackle game saving tackle. I I'm gonna I'm seriously gonna pass back to find out who made that tackle. That was massive RÖCKER. I don't really have a song for him but I I I mean if I had a song for him I'd be singing it right now because that was a massive game saving tackle from a mistake by manager John Green no question about it that wasn't a personnel mistake that was a button mashing mistake and I have been saved from it by the great by the inimitable RÖCKERRRRRRRR! Oh hes just a genius. That's a beautiful slide tackle. Did you are you calling half time because of my excellent slide tackle?

(7.00) What whats the issue? Yeah not a foul. I missed him but if if not tackling someone is a foul then I am the fouliest football team of all time. I'm sorry was that a foul, oh it was really. Oh its half time okay (laugh). I was like man they're gonna start calling fouls on unnecessary slide tackles in which case my whole strategy for winning FIFA games has been destroyed. Its half time 0-0 against um the unicorn er that was gonna be a goal and the Gaulden Child desperately needs one he desperately needs to score. We had a couple of nice runs there in the first half but nothing really came together as I wanted er were gonna leave on all the same people. I want to thank again Röcker for saving this game because this should be 0-1 right now. Great great great unnecessary slide tackle there. Um I don't you know as far as unicorns go I I don't um I don't like to be the kind of person to make sweeping generalizations and unfair um you know unfair comparisons

(8.00) and creates straw man and slippery slope arguments in order to uh justify the opinions that I already have but um yeah unicorns are death machines and er if they do ever exist we need to eliminate them immediately. So I think that's that's that needs to be our national priority when it comes to mythical beasts and how to deal with them we need to make sure that we are you know dealing with the unicorn problem before we worry about the vampire problem, the griffon problem. Although do believe me the griffon problem is significant, I don't wanna take away from it. Um whats the centaur problem that's an issue as well. Um maybe the only thing some people would say the only thing worse than having a horn er on a horses head er is having a human head on a horses head. But I would say I I I would say that its still far far worse to have a horn. Um yeah so haha haha. The best part about this Meredith

(9.00) is the part where all of this stuff is um decontextualized and quoted on Tumblr and lots of people will come forward and say it is a well known fact that John Green is a monster hahaha who has repeatedly accused unicorns of war crimes hahaha hahaha. That was a great Hells Pells with a nice shot uh 'scuse me um does a nice job. What why does Ipswich have three stars for the three times that uh unicorns um uh I don't understand what that could possibly be about. No no offense to Ipswich Town but surely they haven't won the FA Cup three times. Can you look that up Meredith? Maybe they have won the FA Cup times in which case good on them. You know who else have won it AFC oh gosh that was so close. WHY DID YOU DRIBBLE THE BALL OUT OF BOUNDS INSTEAD OF JUST LETTING IT BE A CORNER KICK OH MY GOD. See that was not a John Green management problem that was a problem with Bald John Green decision making um which

(10.00) to be fair is only like a 56. They've won three major trophies. I I just wanna I just wanna tell you that Meredith just said that among there three division trophies is the FA Cup, the U E FA Cup which is also known as the UEFA Cup, um and um the old er League Two Trophy Division One they won Division One one year well good on them. That's almost like that's very similar to Liverpool's trophy cabinet except that we have hundreds um so if were gonna give ourselves a star for every time we won the FA Cup or the League our er uniform would be made out of stars. It would look essentially like the flag of the United States. Um I think we've won 37 major trophies so it would look like the flag of the United States in like 1920. Someones gonna fact check me on that and be like also John Green is a liar doesn't know anything about the number of states in America. Sorry I'm a little bit I'm a little bit resentful of some of the er some of the ungenerous readings of

(11.00) my work and some of the things I've said on the internet over the years at the moment. Alright moving on I love unicorns. The second half of this video is going to be entirely devoted to my great enduring love of unicorns. Has there ever been a better mythical beast than than the unicorn um a symbol of hope to people who need it um a symbol of love and the enduring nature of love. Why did i uh put three uh wait four okay lets just discuss who my substitutes are today. A right-winger, a right-midfielder, a right-back and a right midfielder haha what a fantastic strategy. Just those are the people likely to get tired my 17 right-midfielders. Man I love the way I play this game have I I am just a genius god I'm so good at this game. I'm gonna bring on uh Y. Bamba as the left-winger and he is going to score a miracle goal and I am going to bring on Deeney as our proper striker and uh that is what I'm going to do.

(12.00) Okay, I don't know what the frick I was doing with my substitutes I apologize to my friends and my family but that goal is going out of bounds when it does um 10 assists in all competitions that's not bad Hells Pells. Gaulden Child on the other hand you are struggling. I I don't like the way his upper lip works is that is that a bad thing to say is that objectifying him I don't know if that's unfairly objectifying him but I really don't. I'm making three substitutions at once just like the pros do. Um by the way er Ipswich Town just brought on Winter which allows me to say something that I've always wanted to say Winter is coming. Do you get that joke Meredith? Do you watch The Game of the Thrones? Alright I'll tell you what I have I am only on season 3 and I am addicted to it and not like in the way that like people talk about being addicted to TV shows but like I'm actually. OH THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A GOAL! GOAAAAAALLLLLL!!! Its a beautiful slow motion goal from HELLSSSSSSS PELLSSSSSSS!!!

(13.00) Did he just, is he shooting people. Oh my god I hope everyone's alright. Hells Pells oh look at that its just ah. It was one of the slowest motion things I've ever seen happen. Oh I love a good slow motion goal where 17 different people touch the ball inside the box it was beautiful, it was beautiful. Hells Pells a hero to his country, to his club he bleeds Wimbly blue I love him I love Hells Pells he doesn't get enough credit because were always talking about the Gaulden Child. Hells Pells better player probably ultimately than the Gaulden Child just not as young and beautiful. Oh and that just reminds me of why I love unicorns because they are symbols of youth and beauty such important things in our culture under appreciated values youth and beauty. Um who who will stand for the young and beautiful you know people are always people. I'm just kidding we do a really good job of celebrating youth and beauty in the United States its just like kind of our specialty. OFF THE POST. Off the post for Röcker who almost just had the game of his life

(14.00) with a game saving tackle and then almost a hes still on the ball hes still on the ball. Nice pass is Röcker going to get himself an assist. Oh that was a tackle from behind. For the love of god total total injustice. Can we please hold on to this 1-0 lead for once? For once can we please hold on to a 1-0 lead? Ah this is gonna be exciting this is gonna be as exciting as I would be if I encountered a beautiful lovely golden one of a kind unicorn. Congratulations to the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys on defeating unicorns who are beautiful and good and noble creatures and also the worst. This video made absolutely no sense Meredith. This is an out a Wimbly Wombly classic. By the way in a stunning turn of events its raining in England. Thank you for watching. Best wishes.