Good morning, John.

We like to have a pretty positive attitude here at Vlogbrothers, but once a year... once a year I like to get furious. For not really great reasons, but today is that day this year. John, today, I'm going to have seventeen rants in four minutes.

1. This. Whatever - I recognize that it is food; I don't mind putting it on a sandwich every once in a while, but Kraft? Do not call this cheese! That is not the texture, the smell, the taste, or consistency of cheese! Calling it American cheese is an insult to both my country and my second-favorite kind of food!

2. Speaking of food, 90% fat free does not mean that it is any percent fat free! It means it's 10% fat! It should just say that, ten percent fat.

3. Dear people who complain about the "chemicals" that they're exposed to. EVERYTHING IS CHEMICALS! Water, your body, omega-3 fatty acids, raspberries. Chemicals.

4. Continuing on this theme, stop saying "all-natural" when you mean "healthy", because there's lots of all-natural things that... like I don't sit down and like eat a tub of lard while marathoning Firefly! But that would be "all-natural!"

5. What the crap is up with this kind of toilet paper!? Like I want to know who the diabolical turd-face was who decided to promote the discomfort of all mankind with this harsh, non-perforated, flimsy... terribleness!

6. Speaking of public restrooms, if you pee on the seat, any amount, CLEAN IT UP YOU TERRIBLE PERSON. IT'S YOUR PEE. And someone is going to have to clean it up, but if it's not you, they will be cleaning up someone else's pee!

7. People who think that not knowing every bit of a fandom's trivia makes you not a fan, well, oh. I guess you were just born with a deep and intense knowledge of the backstory of Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Were you not, at one time, an excited novice just like the person you are currently insulting!? Do you really need to ruin that for them!?

8. Oh, okay, I see you were turning! Oh, if only there could be some way for you to signal your intent to do that!

9. Stop correcting people for saying "GIF" [jif] or "GIF" [gif] wrong, they are both correct pronunciations. By telling someone they are doing it wrong, you are the only person who is wrong!

10. Freaking ketchup, there's so much ketchup at the bottom.

11. And I know what you're saying – you're saying, "Hank, why don't you just get the squeezable kind?" Yeah, that's perfect if I want to spray some... pink ketchup piss all over my fries!

12. [tries to sneeze] COME ON!!!

13. Manufactures of chair wheels everywhere. I should have got this ready before... I've got the chair on my lap... freaking knots! Freaking... why are they always in knots!?

14. Can you please make it so that this doesn't fit in this? Because this... IS THE WORST THING!!! AHHHHHH!!!

15. If you're still using "gay" as an insult, it's not just really insulting to gay people, it also makes you sound really immature and kind of stupid. So stop!

16. And finally, to all the people who are going to complain about me complaining in this video, because we all have it so good! Yes. I recognize that I am a wealthy person, in the wealthiest country, at the wealthiest moment so far in human history!

17. But nonetheless, somehow, it still hurts when I stub my toe, and I'm still annoyed when the freaking checkout thing asks me for the tenth time if I have scanned my club card!

Machine: Have you scanned your club card?

Hank: No. I haven't scanned my club card. You know how I know? Because you're still asking me, you Passive Aggressive Robot Sack Of Ketchup Pee.

GAH.

Final note at the end of this video. A lot of people have told me that it's good to get out your anger once in a while, but I've read research that in fact, the angrier you are, the more angry you become. So this, actually, is a bad idea. Don't do the thing I just did, because now my heart rate's all up, and I just want to enrage about everything.

[breathes heavily] I'll see you on Tuesday, John!