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In which John digs deep into the insane story of nature's craziest mammal, the honey badger, which has become famous for its fearlessness but should be more widely appreciated for its other gifts, including loose skin, hideous farts, and a reputation baby cheetahs are glad to imitate. Note: If you see a honey badger, which live in Africa and Asia, WATCH OUT. They go straight for the nuts.

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A Bunny
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Good morning, Hank. It's Wednesday and I'm at my aunt-in-law's house. Like most of the internet, I am fascinated by honey badgers, these two-to-three-foot-long creatures that weigh thirty pounds, live here, eat anything and lead these solitary, non-monogamous lives of total bad-assery. But, Hank, Randall's famous and crazy-ass narration does nothing to capture the glory of the honey badger. DUN DUN DUN DUN HONEY BADGER! Hank, I'm not making this up, although it's hotly debated among naturalists, but there are lots of reports of honey badgers, which are small, attacking larger prey, like wildebeests or zebras or water buffalo by going straight for the nuts. This is known as "emasculating your prey;" basically, you just bite off the balls and then you attack the rest. Also, there are many reports that when honey badgers attack humans, which does happen occasionally, they do go straight for the nuts. DUN DUN DUN DUN HONEY BADGER! Hank, a lot of biologists believe that honey badgers are able to attack beehives because they go up to those beehives and then release scent out of their anal glands which is so malodorous that the bees run away and then the honey badgers are able to take the honey. That's right, Hank, they use a fart attack. So not only do honey badgers have, like, the most fearsome claws and teeth in the animal kingdom, they also have the stinkiest farts. Of course, some bees heroically stay behind and sting honey badgers, but it doesn't bother them much, because they are more immune to bee venom than almost any mammal on the planet. DUN DUN DUN DUN HONEY BADGER! So, Hank, do you know what cheetah cubs look like? Probably not, because you probably didn't spend your entire Thanksgiving vacation researching honey badgers. They look like this, and many wildlife biologists speculate this is an evolutionary adaptation to make baby cheetahs look like honey badgers, because no predator would ever want to attack a honey badger unless it's absolutely desperate, because honey badgers are harder to kill than 19th century Russian monks. What? It's a Rasputin joke. That's too obscure? Come on, everybody knows Rasputin. DUN DUN DUN DUN HONEY BADGER! Let's tackle the question of why honey badgers are so hard to kill. So honey badgers, like an Olsen twin, have more skin than seems entirely necessary given their frame. This loose-skinnedness means that whenever you grab or bite them, there's always room for them to, like, come around and bite you back. Plus, their skin is incredibly thick, like, you can't hack through it with a machete, and it's resistant to arrows—it's like some kind of super-skin. So here you are trying to bite through this super-skinned creature and he's coming around and biting at your face and you're just thinking “I should have gotten a gazelle!” DUN DUN DUN DUN HONEY BADGER! So all this means that the number one honey badger predator, like most animals, is humans. Now, honey badger skin, and, again, I'm not making any of this up, can stop some bullets, but you can kill them with a high-powered rifle, but they get us back because they often dig up human graves and eat our ancestors. DUN DUN DUN DUN HONEY BADGER! Honey badgers, Hank. They are not kidding around. So that's what I did with my Thanksgiving vacation. I also watched a lot of tape of myself playing FIFA to prepare for the FA Cup Final. We're going back to the FA Cup Final! The Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers will be facing Chelsea Football Club and we will avenge our terrible loss in last year's FA Cup Final, and I am excited! If you don't know what I'm talking about, link in the doobly-doo. Hank, I hope you learned something about honey badgers. I will see you on Friday.