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Last sync:2024-05-02 23:15
In which Hank and John play FIFA with a shocking lack of quality.

 Introduction (0:00)

Hank: Hello and welcome to Hank and John play FIFA 11.
John: Hi! It's me, John Green, making my first appearance on HankGames. I'm very excited!
Hank: He's been excited about this for months.
John: And we're gonna play soccer!
Hank: He said "We're gonna get FIFA, we're gonna get FIFA and we're gonna play it on your gaming channel."
John: And we've played, uh, two practice matches so far, and
Hank: And we're pretty bad.
John: We cannot reliably remember which button to push.
(the players march onto the field)
Hank: We say the, uh, pledge of England?
John: Uh, we say the pledge of England, and then that's uh, no, we don't say the pledge of England.
Hank: God bless the United States.
John: Oh, look, they - usually there are, like five year old kids. But there's Stevie Gerrard, my hero, captain of Liverpool.
Hank: We're gonna skip this. Can we skip this? That was a little boring.
John: Sure. Okay. Alright. We're gonna play.
Hank: "Pepe Reinya" (in as best an Italian accent as Hank can do).
John: Reighnya? Really? REALLY? Really? You just embarrassed yourself.

 First Half (0:53)

Hank: I?'re playing. You have possession?
John: I'm red.
Hank: So John is red, Hank is yellow. And...
John: And Hank is playing Arsenal, I'm playing Liverpool. I'm a bit of an aggressive slide-tackler, that's one thing we've learned so far.
Hank: That was good, I get the throw-in. This is...we're really bad. And also, we have to concentrate a great deal to figure out (John chimes in) which buttons to push.
(there is a commotion, Hank kicks the ball out of bounds)
John: Great button push! Top notch, top notch button pushing right there.
Hank: So, so if we are concentrating hard, that's because, or we're not talking, that's because we're...badly done sir!
John: Oh, oh, oh...
Hank: Uh oh.
Hank: That was way too hard. You held that for so long. You held that for an hour.
(John makes disappointed noises)
John: Oh, disaster, he was away. That was Fernando Torres, by the way, who no longer plays for Liverpool and is now my mortal enemy, but, uh, used to be one of my favorite players.
Hank: For those people who follow JohnGames on Twitter...
John: JohnGames?
Hank: What's it called?
John: sportswithJohn. Thanks for following me on Twitter.
(John scores, and screams in celebration)
Hank: Your son is sleeping upstairs.
John: Too much? Too much? That's Joe Cole, another...
Hank: See, that's called peaking (?), see...
(John laughs)
Hank: I'm showing John on the...
John: Well, now I know how it works. Okay.
Hank: Well, this is so far so bad for Arsenal. It's bad news.
John: Yeah. But I have faith in you, Hank. You're, uh...
Hank: What? Who were you passing to?
John: You're a strong player if only you can remember the buttons.
Hank: I'm gonna stop doing the long pass. Oh my gosh, how is this...yes, goalie, you're awesome. Yes goalie, yes goalie. Okay. Saving...
John: I like how you don't know your goalie's name. You just call him goalie.
Hank: Yes goalie! Yes sir. Man with the gloves and the different colored shirt who can use his hands for some reason - I don't know.
John: Are you just gonna run back and forth the entire game now?
Hank: No, that was an awesome pass! Didn't you see?...That was bad, that was bad...oh my god! Why did you stop running fast?
(Announcer: and the goalkeeper saved it!)
Hank: Yeah goalie hands!
John: do tend to (?) turn into Tobuscus when you do this...oh, goalkeeper (?)
Hank: I know, it's hard...get...oh, really, did I foul you just now? I totally didn't.
John: Oh, I don't know...oh, it's off-sides. It's a very marginal ball.
Hank: Well, it is a computer. It knows.
John: (laughing) I wonder if it occasionally gets it wrong, to emulate real soccer. You know, like, you score a goal against Germany and they're like, sorry, that one doesn't count, we don't think it went in.
Hank: Come on, come on, yes, exactly what I wanted...
John: Oh, that was a poor and unnecessary slide tackle...but I'm back.
Hank: Come on, come on...I haven't even been into the goal box yet!
John: You have to say that Liverpool is dominating this match. I gotta look down to see which one B is...
Hank: Ah. Glad you had to look down to look and see which one B was.
(John makes disappointed noises) John: ugh, Almunia.
Hank: That was great news. El Nina?
John: Almunia.
Hank: Hey, yeah, trap it...get it down...yes, soccer man! Well done with the soccer, sir. Out to your friend. Out to your other, wrong friend wrong friend. Good, good...
John: there we go. There we go! Right through! Maybe we'll try to cross.
Hank: Run faster!
John: I'm looking at my pictures. And...that's a cross.
Hank: Oh, I passed it right back to your dude.
John: Oh, that was a decent effort. I don't know which button I pushed, but...
Hank: I had an opportunity to get back in position and...that was not a pass to your player! In the future, I would appreciate it if you would pass to the people on your team.
John: So, for those of you who don't know the rules of soccer, I'm just going to go over them real quickly. You wanna put your ball in the opponent's net - that sounds dirty but it isn't - and, uh...
Hank: Come on!
John: And each half has 45 minutes, and there are two halves...and I'm going to score now.
Hank: No you're not!
John: Come on, that's got to be a foul!
Hank: Oh, man, my goalie is getting a lot of was much worse.
John: I've significantly improved since...
Hank: You've gotten a great deal better.
John: Well, you know what, Hank, I have a chance to be on HankGames, I want to take it seriously. I want to use my opportunity, try to see if I can establish myself in the HankGames family. (Fandom?)
Hank: (scoffs) So far it's just me and Katherine. And Charlie.
John: And Charlie. Right. See if I can just at least have the luck that Charlie has.
(Announcer: he's gonna shoot!)
Hank: Right into everybody else...get it out, clear the ball you dorkwads!
John: Ah, boy, that was...I like 'dorkwad,' that's nice. Uhm, this is pretty tense.
Hank: Oh yeah, I'm tense.
John: It's funny, we were, uh, we were very collegial before...
(Hank: yeah, before we were playing)
John: ...we turned it on and knew the world was gonna see. Oh, beautiful. (John applauds.)
Hank: Yes, that was an amazing goal. That was an amazing goal. Does everybody agree with me? That that was an amazing goal?
John: Yes. That was really nice.
Hank: Look at this replay. BOP! Yes.
John: The most depressing part of that is that Arshavin in real life is, uh, 4'10" tall. It's very uncommon for him to score on a header, but I'm proud of you. Uh, even if I do kinda question FIFA's judgment there.
Hank: It's in the game.
John: It's not in the game, as it happens. Right at the, right at the death of...

 Half Time (6:29)

Hank: It's just the half.
John: I know. The death of the first half. To clarify.
(Hank chuckles)
John: You know, I have to say, I think I had the better of the chances, but...
Hank: You did have a lot of chances. I only had one shot on goal, and it went in.
John: But that's the nature of soccer.
Hank: Yes, that's what the game is.
John: Alright, we're gonna have the second half here.

 Second Half (6:52)

John: It's all still to play for. 1-1 going into the second half, Arsenal vs Liverpool. Arsenal in their typical disgusting yellow. That's actually not their typical colors at all...
Hank: Yeah, I thought they were usually red.
John: They're usually red. Occasionally white. And apparently sometimes yellow.
Hank: Ohhhh!
John: Oh, Steven Gerrard. He just never quits. He never quits.
Hank: What?
John: And he hits too hard. It also, I don't think it was Steven Gerrard. Sorry. I think it was Torres.
Hank: Oh, that was embarrassing right there, that's what I...commentary people in soccer...OKAY! That was a bad pass.
John: Here we go!
Hank: that was ALSO a bad pass.
John: Oh. He goes down...
Hank: What happened?
John: Ahh...I was about to make a dirty joke but I don't think I'm going to. About Fernando Torres. I really don't like him now anymore. Oh! It's so beautiful! Oh, it was so perfect.
Hank: It was good... (unintelligible?) oh, slide tackle.
John: REALLY unnecessary slide tackle. That's gonna happen a lot.
Hank: That was not what I meant to do.
John: Katherine's here watching us now, by the way.
Hank: she just said "meah"
John: "neaaahhhhh"
Hank: That was bad. She's there judging me...well don't worry, I've had plenty.
John: Unnecessary slide tackle. I gotta learn my buttons.
Hank: Get in there...what, come o-why did you even do that? You were not on defense, you were on offense. Okay.
John: You can't stop Steven Gerrard, Hank. It's like a thing. It's a thing that you can't stop. He's a force of nature.
Hank: Oh man. Oh man. You are very just gotta keep walking it in, John. There was nobody there.
John: I'm not saying anything because I hate my life so much right now. I'm so...I'm so angry with myself and all the words I want to say are words that you can't say on HankGames.
Hank: We are...I do bleep out curse words.
John: Do you really? Oh, in that case...f
(Hank chuckles)
John: I didn't know that was a thing. Good to know.
Hank: Well, I prefer to not have curse words, because the bleeping is some (?) But thanks.
John: (laughing) You're welcome.
Hank: Oh, come on.
John: Oh, it's a throw-in. After all of that...I mean, one thing we can't have...get up. Ryan van Persie.
Hank: What'd you do?
John: Oh. Robin van Persie. I chose to call him Ryan.
Hank: Okay. Whatever. Let's go.
John: He's a great player. He's Dutch. You gotta take him out, dude. He's hurt.
Hank: Oh. I don't know what's going on. How do I do that?
John: I don't know. Go to van Persie.
Hank: van Persie.
John: Mr. Robin van Persie. Take him out. He's hurt.
Hank: Switch with...
John: I don't know, one of your other players, I would recommend.
Hank: How do I know if they're not in the game right now?
John: Rosicky's not bad...
Hank: Rosicky's not bad. I'll take him.
John: You don't really have any bad know. The benefit of playing for Arsenal. Uhm, I might, uh...
Hank: Oh, come on.
John: Okay, I won't make a change.
Hank: We're playing a game here. Time's a wasting.
John: Alright. Yeah, sorry. It's not my fault that van Persie got injured. Unless this guy was already on the field. I don't know, actually. Looks like he's coming on. Who knows.
Hank: Yeah. We know how to make game work.
John: Oh God.
Hank: Thank you oh so much.
John: Oh God. Oh. That was nerve-wracking.
Hank: I really needed to pass that.
John: That was nerve-wracking.
Hank: That was an excellent opportunity to pass.
John: Alright. We're in the 70th minute here, Hank. There's either going to be...the one thing we can't have is a draw. That would be a mutual embarrassment.
Hank: Well, then stop stealing the ball from me.
John: Well, no, I intend to win.
Hank: Oh, come on.
John: Turn around. Pass. Oh no.
Hank: It's okay. You're fine. Oh wow. Now you're open. You're free.
John: Go. Go.
(Announcer: Oh, it has to be!)
Hank: It has to be, he says. Well done sir! But then, then a little bit of chokey fail.
John: The reason I can't talk is because again, I don't want to say the words that I don't think I should say. I'm very angry - unnecessary slide tackle - I'm very angry...
Hank: Also, uh, the ref is going to call that one. Oh no he's not. I thought there was a little thing...they say it's an opportunity, John. You should take it.
John: Ourgh! Oh! Almunia's having the game of his life. I don't blame him for doing the, uh, that thing that he just did, which by the way you might have to bleep out. Oh, that was a wretched corner. To be fair, though, I don't know which button I'm supposed to push to do good ones.
Hank: It was, you did that very softly. Oh, come on! My poor man!
John: You always tell me I'm pressing the buttons too hard. Oh, Steven Gerrard! That's completely unrealistic, Steven Gerrard is never in that situation. I disagree. DISAGREE. Strong disagree.
Hank: That has nothing to do with the game. So that was just me passing it. I figured a pass was a good are faster than me!
John: Well, you've been on turbo the entire game.
Hank: Well, it's hard to not...I was doing so well.
John: Agh. Ah. Ah.
Hank: Yeah, good job. Keep passing.
John: Unnecessary slide tackle.
Hank: Keep passing. Keep passing.
John: Oh, I'm not going to get there.
Hank: Get--it--in--there! Oh!
John: Oh, and he misses! And he misses. What a beautiful miss. That was gorgeous, Hank.
Hank: Oh, man. I had an excellent opportunity to steal that ball and score. Okay. Okay. Come here.
John: Go go go go go go.
Hank: Oh wow, you're so gonna get there. Cross, that was a bad cross, John.
John: Thanks, buddy. Oh, I have a corner. Admittedly, I don't know what to do with these, but I have one.
Hank: You gotta...X, and then mash B.
John: Oh, I mashed B! I mashed A! I would have won the game but I mashed A at the wrong button I hate my life! (high pitched and squealy and saying the wrong words)
Hank: Oh, what just happened?
John: Oh, was that against the rules? I didn't know that was against the rules.
Hank: I thought, I thought maybe we would...I thought he wanted to cuddle.
John: Sorry, I'm sorry
Hank: Do you want to cuddle? Let's cuddle.
John: I'm sorry, I didn't know that was against the rules. Alright. This is definitely going to end 1-1. Disappointing. Disappointing end.

 End Game (13:17)

John: You know...
Hank: Okay.
John: Now I have to briefly explain, if I may, why ties can still be beautiful. Lots of Americans don't like soccer because of ties, but this is an example of a heroic tie. I dominated, but Arsenal managed to find a way to scratch a point out of it. It's a beautiful thing for your team, and clearly a loss for me, because I played so much better than you did, and yet the scoreboard says that we're tied.
Hank: Well that was, you...had an awful lot of chances.
John: I did, and I...
Hank: That you did not follow through on. And I had a lot of beautiful, nice, wonderful crosses that ended in gorgeous sexy goals.
John: No, just the one, actually. Uh, thanks for watching HankGames. 
Hank: You will not see us and we will not see you, but you will hear us, and maybe we'll play different teams.
John: Uh, or a tournament or something.
Hank: Okay. Well, maybe not
John: Best wishes!
Hank: Goodbye.

 Final Score

Liv: J. Cole (12')
Ars: A. Arshavin (45')