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In which John and the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers take on Manchester United in the FA Cup Finals.

Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank, it is the FA Cup Final. Look at that crowd!

Today I am going to tell you a story that is not about my life, but is instead about the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, the little team that could.

Oh my god, we’re playing Manchester United. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

And I’ve got in the best players I have. I’ve got in Bald John Green, I’ve got in Other John Green, Leroy Williamson is back at center mid. We are just -- we are going to give it everything we’ve got today.

Augh, we could have done better there. Ah, man, am I nervous. We are playing in the FA Cup Final. Tiny, little Swindon Town. The little team that could. I mean the history of English-oh god, panic- the history of English soccer is full of these-oh, double panic. FAT LUCAS! You can’t stop him! I love you, Fat Lucas, I love you so much. Oh he was off-side. No, yep, he was off-side. But anyway, Fat Lucas, that’s just- that’s fantastic stuff because you didn’t know he was off-side. All you knew was that you had to make the save.

Look at that crowd. I mean, you’ve seen the Swindon Town home ground, my friends. We play on, like, basically bare dirt in front of an average of eight thousand people, but not today. Not today. Today we are playing mighty Manchester United and it is for the entire FA cup. I mean this would be, certainly, the greatest win in the history of Swindon Town, but arguably the greatest upset in the history of English soccer. Admittedly, it’s not likely, but it’s possible. We put ourselves in a position where we could do it.

I talked to Bald John Green before the game and he talked about, what he talked about was he talked about believing in each other. What’s gotten Swindon Town to this point is that we believed in the coach, and we believed in each other, the players have believed in one another. And that- it really inspired me for one.

And now Bald John Green. Bald John Green. Bald John Green. I’ve got a song for you if you score. I’ve got a song Bald John Green. Doh, he didn’t score! I should have passed it to Other John Green but I was thinking about how much I wanted to do the song and I probably just cost myself the FA Cup. Oh god.

Anyway, I’m just so proud of the Swoodilypoopers on a day like today. This is a day that no one thought would come. No one in their right mind thought that the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers would make it to the FA Cup Final, you know? It just didn’t-We aren’t that kind of team, they said, you know. We’ve got guys like Bald John Green and Other John Green. We don’t have guys like Wayne Rooney, Dimitar Berbatov, and Nani. That’s not our team. We don’t have those guys. But, I’ll tell you what, today, I’m not sure that we're going to need those guys.

Still nil-nil here in the first half. You gotta say that Swindon Town's put on a great performance. They had one great save from Fat Lucas that turned out not to be strictly speaking, necessary. Bald John Green had a good shot that he couldn’t get past Edwin van der Sar, now retired, but you know, still playing in FIFA 11.

Ah, gosh. There we go, there we go. Got the ball back. Got it to Bald John - oh not - oh oh oh oh oh - I made the wrong direction, it's my mistake, I’m sorry Bald John Green. I’m so sorry, I want to apologize to all my fans, the Swoodilypoopers, to Bald John Green, to my family, my brother who lets me use his channel. I want to just say that I’m sorry to everybody because that could have gone a lot better than it went. If I had just stepped off the gas for a second.

Unnecessary slide tackle. Am I going to get a penal- okay, I’ve never scored one of these, but maybe today is the day. No. No. Today is not the day.

So here we are, thirty minutes in. For the Swoodilypoopers to not have given up a goal, in beautiful Wembley stadium, in front of 100,000 fans, while playing Manchester United, it says a lot-show me that mustache- it says a lot about where our team is. [laughing] Sorry. Ah, I’m trying to give you this idea of our heroism, and then, you know, there’s that.

Okay. Okay. You know who’s coming: Bald John Green’s coming. What? What? What on earth - Oh, I must have hit B by accident. I want to apologize to my whole family, particularly my brother who shares his channel with me, and then I hit B when I’m supposed to hit Y, or X or something.

Awww, come on Swoodilypoopers. No, come on, don’t give him a foul. That’s ridiculous! You know, we're playing a little bit tight, I can feel the fear. You know, we’ve never played in front of a crowd like this before, of course we’re afraid.

When we get into halftime, I’m going to tell the guys, you know, that it’s great that it’s scoreless, but what we really need is a goal. We need to get a goal. And that we just need to get focused, on getting the goal that’s there, that’s waiting for us. You know, there have been opportunities, we just need to play smarter as a team and then we need Bald John Green and Other John Green to be the - Oh god. That is my mistake! Please don’t, please don’t score. YES! Ahhh. Oh my gosh.

I’m so bad at defense. Can someone give me some defensive tips?

Ahhh, there we go. There we go. And that should be halftime. Let’s just go into the half, there. Let's just go into the half tied nil-nil, the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers - look at that crowd! They’re upset because they’re all Manchester United fans. But little do they know, that the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers are going to break their hearts. Oh my god, look at that stadium. It’s packed. Every citizen of Swindon Town is in that stadium right now, rooting on the Swoodilypoopers, who could have had a much better half. I think - Look at that he was - ohhh. Other John Green had a goal and Bald John Green made a bad decision. So many could have been's. Ugh, so many could have been's in that half.

Alright, let’s get it. Let’s get it guys. We can do this. We can do this. So my halftime talk, in case you’re curious, with the Swoodilypoopers, was all about Muhammad Ali. When he fought George Foreman in what’s called the “Rumble in the Jungle” where Muhammad Ali famously used the rope-a-dope technique. He kind of basically - Oh I needed to pass! - he basically let George Foreman punch himself out for the entire first seven rounds of the fight, and hopefully that’s what we've done with Manchester United.

And we needed a better pass! Ah, man, this is it. This is the last game of the season for the Swoodilypoopers. Win or lose. Right now, their season will be decided. Will they be the stunning champions that win the FA Cup, or will they instead be the heroic team that came up just short. Only time will tell.

Come on-no, pass it! pass it! No! Better passes! Ahh, I’m too anxious. I’m too anxious to be playing well. You know what, I need to forget that there are 90,000 people watching, and by 90,000 people, I mean, you know, pixels, and I need to forget that I’m playing Manchester United, and that they've got Dimitar Berbatov and Wayne Rooney, who scored 72 Premier League goals in his first four games. I need to forget all of that. It’s just the Swoodilypoopers. It’s the same Swoodilypoopers I’ve been playing with all season, except Stone Cold Cteve Austin with a ‘C’ is injured, but everyone else - God, that’s some fascinating ball play - everyone else is the same guys, and I can score with these guys, I know how to score with these guys, I’ve done it before. I just go to go up the wing- Ahgabuga- It’s so hard.

Sixty third minute, twenty seven minutes to go. It’s still nil-nil. We know one thing, if this game goes to penalties, I’m going to lose because I don’t - Oh Bald John Green, Bald John Green, Bald John Green. OH HE DID IT - OFF THE POST! Oh my god, it’s off the post! Oh, unnecessary slide tackle because I’m upset! Oh no, it’s off the post! Bald John Green with an amazing chance to put away Manchester United and he can’t do it. I hate Manchester United. By the way, that’s also factoring into my feelings here. As a Liverpool supporter, I don’t like the fact that they now have more league championships than we do. A lot of our songs are not - Oh god. Great defense! Guy who isn't John Green, John Green, Leroy Williamson, or Fat Lucas.

Up, up. You can do it. You can do it. You are strong. Hit the X. Doh how did he save that? Edwin van der Sar, he’s so good! I really like him, unfortunately. I find it hard even to root against him there. What a great save!

Alright, we got a corner kick. We never score on corner kicks, but we’ve got one. They're taking Wes Brown out of the game? I don’t blame you, who are you bringing on? Ugh, man, their worst sub is better than our best player.

Alright, here we go. Here we go. Never scored on one of these. But maybe now’s the time. Bald John Green, he’s really really tall, but he can’t get it in. Nope. Nope. That wasn’t good stuff. I should have passed. I just got nervous. [coughs] Pardon me, I have to cough because I got nervous, I have a nervous cough.

So Wayne Rooney, is Wayne Rooney coming out of the game? That would be a delight. Always happy to see him go. Oh no, Nani’s coming off and Giggs is coming on. So. Ryan Giggs, 77 years old. Still playing professional soccer, good on him. Man has, like, the greyest beard I've ever seen in my life; Santa Claus has more color in his beard. Oh that’s gotta be a foul - That’s gotta be a card. That’s a red card as far as I'm concerned. I hope that - YES! YES! YES! We are playing Manchester United with 10 men because - ah YES! YES! That is really good news because I have never been so excited about a red card. Plus we have a free kick that we won’t be able to do anything with because we are Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers, and we don’t score on free kicks. That was some of the worst free kicking I've ever seen in my entire career as a really bad free kick artist.

We have ten minutes to score.  And remember if it goes to penalty kicks, we will lose. I’m not just saying that. It is a 100% chance that we will lose the game if it goes to - Oh no. Panic. Panic. Fat Lucas. Oh, I love you, Fat Lucas. Bald John Green. Bald John Green just hasn’t been in the game today. You know, he had a couple of great opportunities and he hasn’t scored. Maybe it’s now. It’s not now.

We gotta beat Manchester United and win the FA cup. Think of the glory, Swindon. Think of the Swindoneers who couldn’t make the trip, back home, watching this game right now, praying, literally praying for a victory. Trying to root on pixels to victory if you hadn’t noticed by now.

Alright, they got a corner kick. That’s not good. They may - That makes me a little nervous. It's the eighty ninth minute. Looks like we might - Oh. Fat Lucas. Fat Lucas, what are you doing? Oh, God. Panic. Momentary panic. Oh, the stress. Okay.

Alright. It looks like we are going to go to extra time. That is not good for us. I do not want to take this to penalties. I don’t feel good about my chances if it goes to penalties. Still nil-nil. It might be time to make a substitution. I’m gonna make a substitution. I think it's the right thing to do for the squad, guys.

Alright, so we're going into extra time here. I think we need to make a change. I just wish I could make some changes to Manchester United’s squad. They've only got ten men, I should be able to do this. Who am I going to bring on? Mmm Maybe? No, I don’t think I can do it, I think that John Green and John Green are my best chances up front. Is anybody tired? Everybody’s tired. Alright, I'm gonna bring on a couple of midfielder’s I guess. Gonna bring on Mr. S. Ferry and I guess Lopez Garai. And I’m taking off Leroy Williamson. Okay, maybe that'll help. What we really need is we need John Green and John Green to live up to their name, really. To prove that they are John Greens. To prove that they are Swindon Town greats who deserve to have songs written about them. 

Oh man. Bald John Green I just need you to score here.

Yeah, I’m gonna get quiet guys 'cause I'm going to focus on trying to win this game. I just, I really want Swindon Town to win the FA Cup.

Wow, that was nervous. That was very very nervous. I’ve seen better defending to be honest with you guys. That was not your best work. Come on!

That was not great tackling. Why is Bald John Green way the heck back there? Bald John Green, you need to be on O. On the big O. That’s right, run toward the hills.

Oh no, oh no, looking questionable. OH NO! Fat Lucas. Fat Lucas. Fat Lucas. Oh no. All my dreams are dead to quote Cute With Chris. It’s such a sad day in Swindon. They fought so nobly and so hard for the FA Cup, but my friends, it does not always end in this world like it ends on the TV shows. Sometimes it ends in tragedy and that’s what we’ve seen today. Manchester United far, far more talented. Sometimes the bad guys win in this world, my friends, and this is one of those times. Just devastating. Devastating. All of Swindon cries.

So we're going into the second half of extra time. We're down one-nil. Frankly, the best that we can hope for is to tie, one-one, which won't help us because that will only send up to penalties, which we can’t win. It’s a shame and we're going to do our best here. We are going to play out the game because we're the Swoodilypoopers and that’s what Swoodilypoopers do. Even in times of trial, they stick together.

Oh god, now we're just playing terrible. The sadness has overwhelmed us. Just awful stuff, unnecessary slide tackles, missed passes, the whole shabang. This is sad. Swindon Town. Oh, Swoodilypoopers. My beloved Swoodilypoopers just not playing like themselves. They’re hurt, you know. And when you’re experiencing the kind of sadness that these guys are going through it’s difficult. It's difficult to make plays.

Unnecessary slide tackles. Painful to watch. What is that? How is that a foul? I disagree. Oh, they’re bringing it back, yeah, because I had a foul 30 minutes ago. Now I’m starting to get angry with the referee, this is not Swindon Town’s game.

Alright, kick it up to Bald John Green. You had Bald John Green going. You just had to get it through to him. Bald John Green passes to himself. Man, this is depressing.

Last minute of the game.

Oh! Bald John Green gave it his all there, you can’t fault the effort. Oh, man, that’s a tragedy.

So the Swoodilypoopers, they don’t pull it out at the end, they’re second in the FA Cup, and, god, we got to watch Manchester United celebrate. It’s awful. Despicable. I hate those guys. Swoodilypoopers, I’m sorry. I apologize. Terrible, terrible play all around. Alright, we'll, see you next season. Best wishes.