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Last sync:2023-01-20 03:15
In which Hank discusses the extreme dangers of puppies, kittens, puppies cuddling with kittens and our continuing path toward hypercuteness and what it means for our lives and the lives of our children.

Cute-ocalypse image by Vondell Swain! Of course.

Sound and campaign poster by Michael Aranda.


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A Bunny
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Hank: Good morning, John. Last week, I discussed with you the tiniest little adorable-st little tiny animals. I did this thinking that it was a good use of--of my time and of your time and of the world's time. I've since come to realize that I, in fact, was contributing to what may be the single greatest crisis that humanity faces today: an overwhelming, overpowering, dangerous amount of cute. Tiny animals were a gateway for me. Then, then it was cats in cups, then it was hedgehogs taking baths, before I knew it, there was a loris holding an umbrella and, John, by the end of it, Scottish Folds, just Scottish Folds, all the time. I used to think it was harmless, too. But now, I live in terror of the Cute-Ocalypse. Never before in history has humanity been exposed to so much cute! We have no idea what this level of cuteness is doing to our brains, to our society, to our children! Cuteness is literally a drug. The endorphins released in your brain upon seeing a cat snuggling with another cat are similar to opium, and the more we see these images, the more desensitized to them we become. And yet, at the same time, our desire to experience more cuteness increases. So we search and we search until we find cuter and cuter and cuter and cuter and cuter things. The cycle must be broken. Of course, many people will say that cuteness is natural, and thus we have nothing to worry about. And that is true, cuteness has its place. It helps us love our children and our pets so that we don't neglect or eat them. But think about this, just for one moment, what happens when I realize that my cat will never be as cute as Maru? Will I still love her? What about your child? Your child can never be as cute as internet babies! What will happen to your love for him after you've been exposed to so many giga-awws of adorableness? I don't know! No one knows! We've been surrounded by this haze of cuteness for so long that we've forgotten to be afraid about our future. Some people are saying that society is on the brink of disaster, that we will neglect our children, our responsibilities, and all day will just be cute, cute, cute, cute, cute. I would like to personally call on Congress now to make sure that the internet is properly regulated and that cuteness is curtailed. A certified board of cute-ologists must be employed to create a rating system for the amount of cute in television shows, movies, videos, and pictures, and no American should be allowed to ingest more than their weekly quota. There will be a cute tax imposed on people who ingest more than their weekly quota, people who follow @EmergencyPuppy on Twitter, subscribers to, and of course, for people who search for 'otter' on Pinterest. The cute tax will not only help balance our national psyche, it will also help balance our budget. This will be a simple system to set up and implement, overseen by a new cuteness czar. I would like to personally nominate Jack Donaghy for that position, I hear he's been interested in getting into politics. He will ensure that we will not limit people's experience on the internet, only that we and our children will not be exposed to unsafe levels of cuteness. People have to understand that this is being done for their good and for the good of our country. John, I will see you on Tuesday.