Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday and as you can tell from the gray speckled walls behind me, in a stunning turn of events, I have found myself in an airport.

So Hank, since Brotherhood 2.0 started in 2007; I have flown more than...

(OVER P.A. SYSTEM = "May I have your attention please...thank you for cooperating with this federal security requirement.")

Oh no, it's my pleasure to cooperate with that federal security requirement. My only request is that two minutes from now, you let me know about the same requirement.

So Hank, since Brotherhood 2.0 started in 2007; I have flown more than 400,000 miles and as a result I have a lot of perks.

(OVER P.A. SYSTEM = "Smoking is prohibited at Indianapolis International Airport.")

Oh is smoking prohibited? That's stunning; I would never have guessed it.

Like, I don't have to take off my shoes at security because I have been pre-cleared by the TSA.

I get to board the plane first because I have a gold medallion thing.

I can even go to the fancy airport lounge, although I don't because it's extremely depressing in there.

But Hank, by far the most important perk is that when the plague comes that is going to devastate humanity, I will be among its first victims. Because that stuff never starts with people watching CSI at home, it starts in airports. And I've always said, if there's going be some human-ending apocalyptic event, I want to be right out in front of it.

Like my zombie apocalypse plan? Become a zombie as quickly as possible. I don't want to watch all the people I love slowly be overtaken by the undead.

Also I usually get to sit in first class. So most people think that the people who sit in first class are like rich people who paid a lot of money for their tickets. And sometimes that's true, but most people who sit in first class get to sit up there because they fly with the same airline all the time, and the airline wants to like thank them... or essentially bribe them.

So listen up, infrequent fliers, as you're walking past the first class people to your like middle seat in the second to last row of the airplane, I want you to remember something.

You may think, "Man, those are the fancy people; those are the people who have it figured out." But no! You with with your seat in the middle of the last row, you have it figured out!

Because while it's true that enjoy many perks as the result of having spent more than five hundred days in the last six years in the company of the grey speckled walls, there are also some disadvantages.

Hank, I remember once that I was flying to like Dayton, Ohio and I sat next to a guy who had, like, not gold status, or platinum status, or diamond status, but like diamond platinum elite silver plus status, like he'd flown like ten million miles, and I was so impressed, I was like, "Man, that is an awesome status that you've got there!" and he looked at me, and he was like, "Yeah, you know, it's a pretty amazing status, but you know what it cost me? A marriage."

Now, Hank, I do realize that this is like the first-worldiest of all first world problems, like "Waah, waah, I have to go thirty thousand feet into the air and observe the majesty of Earth on a regular basis!"

But the thing about traveling all the time is that while it's true that you get to be the first person to die in like the rabbit plague or whatever, and that's huge, you also have to spend a lot of time away from your family. And that sucks, which is why, Hank, I am so excited that this is my last trip to the grey speckled walls until AUGUST, when I go to VidCon.

Hank, I cannot tell you how excited I am to become an infrequent flier - I'm going to make lots of videos, and I'm going to work on my new book, but most importantly, I am going to hang out with my family. Which hopefully includes you and the Katherine, Hank, but you've got to come here, because as previously noted, I am not flying.

Hank, in the comments of my last video, where I cooked dinner with Henry, a lot of people were like, "You're such a great dad!" and I hope that I am a good dad. But if I am, it's not because I can like make some jokes while holding a video camera and overcooking asparagus.

Hank, when I look back at my childhood... [PA system in background]

Why do people always have to get paged? I have never been paged. I have spent five hundred days in airports in the last six years, and never once have I needed to be paged.

Schmerg, the light is changing. I have to move, because the risen sun is too bright in my losing eyes.

Ultimately, Hank, I think a big part of being a parent is being around. So I'm going to try that out for a while... Why did... what is this?

Why did no one tell me about this? I walked through the airport... what? How did this happen? Has this been going on the entire video? Great, now the people in the airport think I'm extra crazy, because in addition to holding a video camera in front of myself, I've been half naked the entire time!

Oh my God, I have to go hide somewhere. Hank, I'll see you on Friday.