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In which Hank and Katie Bell head to the Catacombs
Hello, I'm back. It is time to get some real life stuff done in Assassins Creed. Does this girl look like Paige Railstone to anybody else? I'm gonna call her Paige, that's Katie Bell and that's Dickhead.

I'm in a car? Right, I'm in a car, I forgot about that. I'm in an animus, I don't really, oof, confusing, it's all in my brain, all in my brain. Hello, Katie Bell. Hello hotness. Are you gonna tell her about how you just got laid inside of Ezio? Nice backpack. What, what? That place still exists? That's awesome! That's so cool! That girl has awesome clothes.

Is it more sex? Are we having more? Ah she had the, the babies. That's creepy. OK, that is not how DNA works but I'm gonna ignore it. I can do that. Oh right, I feel as if I've been shot. Yes, you're so good at being a dickhead. This girl is totally Paige Railstone. She had different headphones in the last game. No, go down into the thing. We know where the thing is. Nobody else knows where the thing is. We know how to get into it, through the well or down the stairs, if you can break into that place because we have my brain which has memories stored in it through DNA, which is not how that works at all in any way. Don't confuse the children. Hopefully, children aren't playing this game. Hopefully, but something tells me that it's not all college graduates.

Tarps? Tarps don't make sense. I think, maybe, we should get a bomb. No, I'm a dickhead. I remember one. There's the well. Remember the well? Didn't the well have one? Oh, I'm following Ezio! Wait, it's open? It's a renaissance... we just walked in? OK, I think I remember this. Follow me? Oh, yeah, because everybody knows how to do this. Follow me... OK, you guys get to take... It was pretty awesome. You know what else is pretty awesome? My pectoral muscles.

You're fine, Dickhead! OK, we're good. Dickhead: it's like the douchebag of the '80s. Where did douchebag come from? It's everywhere now. That George Takei douchebag video? That was amazing. Let me show you how much fun can be had in the dark.

We do? Good. Excellent! Am I gonna be scared of this? What is on my- what is this? Oh, a glow stick. It's all the people fleeing. They're fleeing! Oh, I'm having memories while awake. This is dangerous. Oh, nicely done! Is this going to be difficult? I'm worried. Yeah, serious- oh right, that's what the symbols were!

OK, well these look familiar. I push any button and then... Oh, it didn't go very high. That's too bad... Oof, that seems really dangerous, Katie Bell. I will hold and I will- wow, you didn't want to give her a little more- what, that didn't make any sense. Of course I will, because I- what, there's a frickin- what, that doesn't make any sense. I'm not even going to pretend like that makes sense.

I do this, and is that it? That's all I got? My head hurts. I have a headache and I'm hungry. Hey, Katie Bell! How's it going? You know, we're not in that much of a rush. Does it creep you guys out that I have a thing for Kristen Bell? What, no, I'm not Ezio, I'm Desmond. I remember, I'm not- wait, what's this? Is that the girl I helped with her flowers? No, it's my sister? I don't know. They all look the same. What? Does he have tattoos? What, why, I'm confused...

This is the thing, this is the thing that I- waaaaaah that's awesome! That was cool! OK, now I'm suspicious of your ability to do that. What, that was scary!

Katie Bell, where'd you go? Did you go this way? I don't know what I'm doing! Yup, there you are. That is pretty impressive, I have to say, that she is so good at this. These are 500 years old guys, you are putting your faith, your life, you're putting your life in the hands of a 500-year-old machine. I thought I was going to be able to open that. I guess... I don't feel like I'm having the time of my life. I mean, it's a good game, but if it was actually happening to me- Oh! She just jumped! She was like "I don't need no frickin ladder! I can just jump! I'm Katie Bell."

And I'm just gonna jump. Ay-ow! That's what I was supposed to do, right? Good form, good form. Drop! Checkpoint reached. Katie, where you at? Honey? Honey balls? Honey baby? Where you at, honey baby balls? Oh, there you are. You were waiting for me to- OK, that's fine. Any key. Oh, that's excellent point. Oh, what, that was too close! You guys have to be more careful. What, what's going on? Oops, oops, oops, that was bad. OK, I'm going to figure this out and then go get some Pop-Tarts and then I will see you all very shortly, as soon as I am done with that. OK, I'll get to that. Ha ha ha, Caterina Sforza. Oh, the bath. Not like you didn't enjoy that, Desmond. Anyhow, we are finished now and I will see you on the other side.