John: Hello! And welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green, a manager of the AFC Wimbly Womblys. My mouth still hurts. I don't know if you can hear it. If you can, please sympathize and forgive me of my slurring of my words. If you can't, ah just pretend that I'm fine.

Today we are taking on Stoke City. I don't wanna over emphasize this. but this is a game that we must win. And if we don't win it will have catastrophic consequences. Um, we've gotta finish in the top four, or we really want to, because then we can go to the champions league next year. Play the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid, Fenerbahçe, UV. I don't know we're going to play Bayern Munich, it would be amazing! Amazing!

Um, uh, coming all the way from the ninth tier of English Football to the Champions League-- but, we've got a long hard slog ahead of us as you're about to see because currently we are in 6th on 53 points, 5 points out of fourth. I think we still have a game in hand, but I don't know guys, it's going to be hard.

We just need to win our games, that's all we can do, that's what I said! Meredith they're goalkeeper is called Butland. It's disturbing. It's going to be very difficult to beat Butland! Um, we got Seb Brown in goal though so it's, you know, comme ci comme ça.

Boy if Seb ever retires, I am going after Butland. I know that I'm supposed to recruit only based on quality, but Butland! Alright, we're going to win this game and I'm going to talk about crazy exes. Someone suggested a nice, um, a nice topic, uh, in the comments a couple of days ago. They said, uh, I feel like I might be the crazy ex, is that what it was Meredith? And what should I do?

Now this is actually an area of expertithes-- expertithe? I'm sorry. It's really hard to say my s's. Expertise. I wanna say expertithe. Did I ever tell you about when I-- you know how I have a little bit of a lisp, Meredith? And, uh, when Sarah and I started dating it was back in the early days of phone recognition. You had your flip phone and then you would-- but you could still do some voice commands. And so I would always-- I would be like "call my friend Shannon please" and then it would call Shannon and I though it was so cool. But to get it to call Sarah I would have to say "call Tharah on thell" 'cause that was the only way it would recognize my voice because my, my lisp is so bad. 

Anyway! Anyway... uh. Bald John Green! Oh! It was beautiful! He found a tiny bit of space and he Bald John Greened it right over the net. So, uh, anyway, Meredith and I have experience in this because we, we, uh, we both have been the crazy ex. Is that fair to say, Meredith? You know, I've definitely been the crazy ex where I just couldn't let something go and I was very resentful and I needed-- That was not a foul! I hugged him from the side! 

Let's watch a replay. I love you, I care about you and then oh my god he fell over. I was just trying to express affection. There's no room in this game for real love. So, I mean I guess two major break ups that I had that I really didn't handle well, um, one in college and one after, uh. The one in college, my first reaction, it was a long distance relationship, my first reaction was to drive to Baltimore, um, where she lived to like win her back. Big mistake. Big mistake on a bunch of levels.

Bald John Green is there at the back corner, do you see him? Do you feel him!? Oh Bald John Green, you've gotta get that on target! Free header!? For the love of god! We have to win this game! Uh, Bald John Green that's disappointing. 

Um..., it ended up being a great trip because I got to spend a lot of time in the Baltimore Museum of Art, which has an incredible collection of Cézanne paintings. But, um, not before I spent an evening weeping into her bed, while she very politely and generously and kindly was like "You have to go." Um, so yeah. Uh... and then after college I was totally... I mean-- I don't think that I was abusive or anything, but I was way, way too-- OH! OOHH! Correa! Correa! 

I don't really have a song for him yet. What's that song? What am I trying to base that on? It's like a Christina Aguilera song or something... or um... maybe Shakira? Shakira! Shakira! Yeah, yeah. Hips don't lie, is that what it is? Huh? His goals don't lie, right okay, hold on. We're getting there, Meredith. Together ready? Correa! Correa! His goals don't lie. 

Was that good? Or was that not in the melody? I haven't heard that song since-- in, in a solid 10 years, so that's my only concern. Um... softly sings: "Hey baby when you talk like this you make a woman go wild"-- Where's the hips don't lie part? You don't know? Is that even in the song or is it more of just a conclusion that we made from watching Shakira's hips? Is that a lyric in the song or not, Meredith? It is a lyric in the song. Well, that's encouraging at least. 

That was almost the goal this season. Um... oh Butland, he's suffering cause Correa scored on him. Correa! Correa! His hips don't lie! Something like that? No? Meredith' s laughing like it's not good. Um, so let's-- uh, let's talk more about being the crazy ex. Because-- I mean, here's the thing... it's really really hard... to like-- there's a weird mix of things, right? Because at least for me, like, I always felt very pathetic.

Um, I've felt like there was something wrong with me, like it was a weakness, like I was uh-- and like this person's-- what I saw as rejection of me instead of what it really was, which was a rejection of the romantic relationship. I always saw that as, like, further proof that I was who I always feared that I was, which was like this useless unlovable, disgusting loser. And, um, that of course is not the way to approach it. 

It's very hard not to though, because it is a rejection and it is a loss and it feels, uh, it inevitably feels personal because um... you let this person into your life in a way that you haven't let other people into your life and um-- that could've been great... And I'm also frustrated Other John Green. Um, and... there's an intimacy that is suddenly taken away from you. And you feel like the person who knew you the best, uh... has rejected you, which is a terrifying thought because it means that, like, deep down when you let people know who you really are, you might not be lovable. 

Oh my god. That was a beautiful goal from the Loch Ness Monster. No two ways about it. Chipped the keeper. Nothing Seb Brown could you and here in the 42nd minute it's tied 1-1. Oh boy, we've gotta focus! We've gotta focus, this is a winnable game. And not only that, it's a game we have to win.

Um... and I think that, um... I think that's where a lot of it comes from. So, my advice is if you're starting to feel like the crazy ex, take time-- give the person, um, that you were in a relationship with space. Even if they say they don't want it. Because you need to give yourself space. You need to learn that the rejection was of the relationship and not of you.

That the, um, you need to basically, I guess, to stop making it about you. Because, um, romantic relationships are really complicated and the reasons that they work and don't work are really complicated. And, um... I don't think you do yourself any favors or ex partner any favors by, um... you know, coming to them, looking for validation.

You're gonna find validation inside of yourself and from your other friends and that's how life is eventually going to go on. Not by, uh... yeah, not-- yeah that's how life is going to go on. Not by trying to permanently reinstitute a romantic relationship that didn't work. And, also if you really care about that person, I this is very difficult, but you have to respect their feelings and experiences.

That for me was a process of years and I have to say on some level-- I mean this all happened 15 years ago or something. And on some level, like,  I only started really having, you know, genuinely kind feelings toward those young woman that weren't tainted by my own desire to have them like me, um, in the last few years. Because, you know, we grew up, we had kids, like I was happy, they're happy-- it takes, I would say at least in my experience, it takes a long long time to get to that point. And that's okay, like, I don't know, that's alright. 

The great thing about life is that you get to have many different kinds of relationships with many different kinds of people and putting too much emphasis on the romantic relationships-- especially the romantic relationships that you don't have anymore, I think is pretty, uh... it's pretty problematic for you and for... the person that you used to be in a relationship with.

So, I guess that-- that's my advice. Meredith what do you think? Is that reasonable advice? Meredith thinks it's reasonable. Um, but you know, she's still, uh, she still looks at the Facebook page of her ex boyfriend everyday. She does not, she does not. She's so happy with her current boyfriend! Who is such a great guy. Not a Wimbly Wombly fan. Does he watch these, Meredith? Sometimes.

I like him so much. He's my favorite of the, uh... of the office boyfriends, I have to say. He's also the only of the office boyfriends, but still! Still, he's my favorite. Isn't he? Is there another office boyfriend? Well... not that we know of. Some people, for reasons I don't understand, Meredith, some people around here like to keep their private life private. Almost like I'm going to talk about them in Wimbly Wombly videos. It's so weird! 

...Am I even supposed to say that you have a boyfriend? I'm not. Um... that was off him and then-- no! Alright, Meredith, we've gotta stop focusing on other people's romantic relationships and start focusing on Stoke City! Hold on, let me see what the substitution situation is. Now, Meredith, as my assistant coach and substitution specialist, um, who is-- should I take John Green and John Green or should I take out other people? ...I should take out the Greens? Alright, I'm taking 'em out. Deeney and Dicko coming on. 

I see your point though. Can I bring on the Gaulden Child for a very tired Less Moore? Yep, I also-- the Gaulden Child's performances lately have been so disappointing,  but you never know when he's gonna have a great moment. I mean, part of the problem of being 14 years old and a professional soccer player is that you let other stuff going on in your life affect you. Less Moore you got a great game! Alright? Your a nice looking man, a lot of facial symmetry-- you got weird ears, but other than that you're great! Just that it's time for you to take a rest. John Green and John Green coming off. 24 minutes to find a winner here.

Yeah the other thing that I would say is that if you find yourself in a situation where you feel, uh, like you might be really abusive towards someone. Where you might be, um, stalking them or acting in a way that makes them uncomfortable, uh you know, get help! Get-- sorry my phone is ringing, but yeah, get help. Go to your college counselor, go to a counselor, talk to someone that you trust and say, like, this is a problem because, um, that needs to be dealt with.

'Cause you don't wanna be in a situation where your hurting people, where your scaring people. That's very, um, that's very dangerous. ...So, I would say please, please in that situation get help. And also if you feel like your getting stalked-- I mean I know it's incredibly hard and complicated, but yeah, do seek help. The resources that are available to you are not as good as they should be certainly, but they are there.

Um... yeah, so it's our ball. Yeah, okay. I don't think that I ever-- I don't think any of my ex girlfriends would say that I ever stalked them or, but I definitely was overbearing. You know? Like I was needier in the end of the relationship process than I should have been and it's something that I, you know, that I-- I just didn't have a great understanding of... I was thinking too much about myself and enough about other people, which, you know, is an ongoing problem in my life. And from what I can gather a lot of people's lives.

Alright, we're going to move to attacking and we have now just 5 minutes. This is-- this is pretty scary, Meredith, because a 1-1 draw... I don't wanna say that it's catastrophic, but it is a little-- Oh my god! Don't dribble the ball out of bounds in times like these! Go, go. Go up the wing. He's so tired, Meredith. John McClean. Oh,  he was in Die Hard! He's a big, tough man! He was in Die Hard! Get the ball in the box. OOOOOOHHHHHH! Meredith! You're a genius! Meredith!

In the 90th minute Meredith's substitution, Dicko, scores a!-- Sings: "Wimbly Wombly scored a goal, and Dicko was his name-o, D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! D-I-C-K-O! And Dicko was his name-o!" Great run from John McClean, great cross into the box and then Meredith's substitution, Dicko, wins the game for the Wimbly Wombly's in the last minute and will we look back at that victory and say "that was the key" that was the key into getting us into the champ-- No! No, no, no. No goals, no goals! Oh god! My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Will we look back on that goal and say that was the key to the Wimbly Wombly's making it to the Champion's league? Wow! ...Wow! The intensity. We did it! The game is over! Our assistant coach Meredith makes another brilliant substitution! And we win the game 2-1 thanks to goals from Correa! Correa! and Dicko! Our opponents squat in shame, we celebrate. We got a chance! Thanks for watching, best wishes.