Good Morning, Hank, it's Tuesday, October 16th, the second day of Teen Read Week! By the way, Hank, when do you think Adult Read Week is? I bet if you look at the average teenager and the average adult, the average teenager has read more books in the last year than the average adult. Now of course the adult would be all like, "I'm busy, I got a job, I got stuff to do." WHATEVER! READ! I mean, you're watching CSI: Miami. Why are you watching CSI: Miami, when you could be READING CSI: Miami, the novelization?

Hank, in honor of Teen Read Week, I'm going to tell you something that I should have told you several months ago: I haven't been entirely honest with you. You may remember that a few months ago, I got really excited about having cataloged my home library, and then I said I was giving you a tour of my cataloged home library. Well, Hank, the truth of the matter is that I used a lot of movie magic, and ended up only giving you a very abridged tour of my home library. But now I would like to give you the FULL tour of my home library!

We start out with poetry, Hank, you got your E. E. Cummings, your Shakespeare, your Dante, your Norton Anthology of Poetry, your Dorothy Parker, etc. Then we've got Reference. Reference, reference, reference. I love the quote books, you know, I like almanacs. (It occurs to me that on the long list of nerdy things I have said in my life, "I like almanacs," is near the top.)

Then you've got Islam and Christianity, separated by the wicker basket that keeps them from fighting with each other. Down here, you've got books that are either by or about a member of our family. Then you've got some foreign language books, wicker basket, then you've got Buddhism, Hinduism, over there, you've got some Judaism, and then you've got the social sciences.

Over here, you've got graphic novels, plays, and stuff about how to write screen plays. (I wonder why I have books about how to write screen plays.) Then on the bottom shelf, because I'm not an egotist, you've got author copies of my books: Looking For Alaska, and An Abundance of Katherines. And then finally in the office, over here at the bottom, we have all of my children's books.

Then in the living room, we have foreign editions of Looking For Alaska, first editions of fiction by living authors. First editions of books that are either by my favorite authors or by dead people. (Come to think of it, I don't know why I lumped my favorite authors with dead people, that's not very nice.)

Then down here, we've got southern studies, which includes that Brotherhood 2.0 classic: Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone? (From your pants). And then over here, we also have Science and Technology, which includes The Making Of The Atomic Bomb (in your pants).

Here, we have art books, miniature chairs, more art books, more miniature chairs, and art history books. My favorite art history book? Volatile Bodies (in your pants). And then at the bottom we have history books.

Here we have fiction by living authors, and then here we have some young adult literature, short story collections, mystery novels, food memoirs, and then down here is essay collections, literary criticism, and humor. And then down here at the bottom, there's a special shelf, that for some reason only contains the diary that I kept when I was nine years old, and the book, Everything You Need To Know About The Goth Scene (in your pants).

Hank, do you think we have time for a quick reading from my childhood diary? I think we do. You're gonna have a tough time deciphering my handwriting, so let me read it to you: "October 16th 1984. Today was the best day, my brother got sick." Thus ends the entry!

Over here we have fiction by dead people, and books about boxing. Here are some books about other sports and games, some books by Mark Twain, and the travel section. And then of course finally we have my collection of first editions of books about conjoined twins. Which is not even to mention my extensive collection of books about conjoined twins that aren't first editions, which are scattered about social sciences and fiction. I don't wanna brag, Hank, but I've read more books about conjoined twins, than there are actual living conjoined twins in the world.

And that, Hank, is the truly exhaustive tour of my home library. So happy Teen Read Week, Hank, and hooray for books, which NEVER forget to be awesome. I'll see you tomorrow.