Lindsey Doe: Hi Elke! Elke of Mamalode.

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Lindsey: What is Mamalode?

Elke Govertsen: Mamalode is a magazine that I started. People talking about their real stories, and sort of, the heart, and the guts, and the uh-cluh-OOOHNH. So some of our readers sent our fabulous sex guru some questions, and so we're really excited to have the opportunity to hear your answers.

"How do you communicate with your partner, who is pretty shy and hesitant about sex topics, that you really want and need more sex? I have tried sending the occasional sext, dropped plenty of hints, but it gets old being the only one to take the initiative. Please help."

Lindsey: OK. So if you were my client, what I would suggest is that you need to stop dropping hints and communicate directly what it is that you need and what it is that you're afraid of. And it's really important that you listen, so that you give the shy person time to come up with the courage and wisdom to have a response.

I also recommend this book, The Two Step. This breaks down the seeker-sought relationship and how to make it so that it oscillates more between, you know, this shy person who never seeks and is sought, and the seeker wanting to let those roles switch.

Elke: "I am so tired. How can I find the energy to have sex? And how do I find the energy to have GOOD sex?"

Lindsey: What is good sex to you? Can you operationalize that for me? Put it into measurable terms so we both know what it is that you want, and when you've accomplished it. Then what you're going to do is figure out where you get the energy to have this good sex, or, you know, sex at all. So that could be things like going outside, doing a creative project, going on vacation, having sex in itself creates energy. And then you don't want to spend that on, you know, doing chores or taking care of the kids. You actually want to make sure that it's allocated to the having of good sex.

Elke: "My body has changed a lot, and I fell un-sexy. Help." I think that's a big one for our readers, there's just a lot happening physically for them. Depending on where they're at, if they've had children biologically, sometimes they'll have stretch marks. There is what is called "the mother's apron," which folds over your, like, like the top of your vagina. It's really sexy. Um... just I think that a lot of times they just don't feel as sexy because they don't feel like they did when they were twenty.

Lindsey: Yeah. OK.

Elke: Now I feel more like two twenty year olds, which should be really sexy. [laughter] What's a surefire, like, "I'm gonna feel sexy?" What's gonna make me feel sexy?

Lindsey: Black fishnet stockings. And then things like exercising, or even staring at yourself in the mirror and, and listing off the things that are sexy about yourself. "Oh yeah, look at mmm, mmm, mmm." Just anything lovely that you could think to say about yourself, even if you don't currently believe it, those positive affirmations, you'll fake it till you make it.

Elke: Spending time with my girlfriends, can actually get me really excited and feeling sexy, 'cause we get dressed up in our high heels, or we'll go out, or we'll have, like, a naked lady party, which is a clothes swap. And I'll come home from that, and I'll just feel phenomenal and sexy.

"What advice do you offer women who are entering menopause and who want to keep things exciting in the bedroom?"

Lindsey: I think it's to not give up the sense of creativity that you have maybe when you're younger, and you're starting to navigate sexuality. But you pull that excitement about this new realm of possibilities and things you can do with your body into adulthood. So thing like reading, and fantasies, and pornography, and conversations, dirty talk, sexting, striptease, roleplay, costumes.

Elke: "I've had a fascination with lactation, but my wife worries that it might make her sore or cause problems with her ability to feed the baby if we get into that sort of play."

Lindsey: So here's a video, if you haven't already seen it, about how to create a want-will-won't list. So essentially, this is a tool so that people who have differing intentions or sexualities, all of us, right? -- because none of them are the same -- get to compare them in an organized way. The wife has concerns, and those she gets to choose whether or not to address with her medical provider. The partner's responsibility is respecting what she chooses to do or not do with her body.

Elke, thank you for hanging out with me on my couch!

Elke: I know, this is so exciting!

Lindsey: Mamalode, by the way, is an incredible resource, print and online. Elke and I have both written for them. "Sexy Articles" is kind of like getting Dr. Doe in blog form and we hope that you check it out and stay curious.

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