Good Morning John

I thank you for your lovely video this week answering questions about sex and relationships. It was so universally well-received that my sibling rivalry has kicked in and now I'm going to answer questions even better than you! I'm gonna eat your answers for breakfast!

But I'm going to be answering questions from Facebook and Twitter about adulthood and growing up.

What's it like to do taxes? Imagine, if you will, you're sitting at home reading a book, there's a knock at the door, you open it up and there's a man with a top-hat and a beard and he says:
'We would like you to contribute to your society by paying your fair share for things like defense and education and healthcare for old people'

And you're like: 'Yeah, I mean, okay that sounds reasonable to me. Who should I make the cheque out to?'

And then he starts hitting you with a stick! Just (noises)

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S SO HARD!

How do I deal with Peter Pan Syndrome? Look, growing up is what you want it to be. We're grownups now, and it's our turn to decide what that means. Being silly is still allowed, that's not excluded by adulthood! What's excluded by adulthood is thoughtlessness. So be thoughtful and silly!

Why are job applications so awful? I don't know but they are! Maybe you should go into Human Resources and revolutionize how we hire people in this country because it's pathetic and bad!

How do you deal with the loss of free time? Look, all time is free and as you've progressed through life, you have had things to do and you will still have things to do but there will still be lots of time for you to do other stuff! Just don't spend it all watching TV!

How do you live an active social life on a budget? Have parties at your house or other peoples houses. Fun, silly parties! You can watch Harry Potter, or, like, write up fake wills and tell everybody who's gonna get your stuff. And never ever ever buy alcohol at bars! I can't imagine a faster way of spending money with less benefit.

How do you get past your insecurities? If you fail, I will like you more. So fail! Start failing now! I ORDER YOU!

As an adult, is it still okay to watch Disney movies and cry? Rapunzel, the lanterns are for you!

Does time really speed up as you get older? Yes, and I imagine you've already noticed this happening and I don't know why it happens and I'm not a big fan of it!

So would you go back to being younger if you could? Ooh, no no no. No, absolutely not, no. I like having a much deeper and thoughtful understanding of the world and I didn't back then. I remember in my junior year of high school people were like 'This is the best time of your life' and I was like 'It better not be!'

How do you establish good credit? PAY YOUR BILLS!

If you get married, is it okay to still hang out with friends of the opposite sex? Yeah, but if you're like hanging out with them by yourself and you have this, like, mutual urge to lick each others mouths then you should stop hanging out with that person.

How do you make friends as an adult? I think, just first, that you keep the friends that you've always had. But you make friends the same way as you always have, mutual acquaintances, common/shared interests, figuring out that they don't annoy you as much as other people and then make them dinner or go bowling or do bad karaoke together. That stuff.

But how do you know when you're an adult? You don't. I'm sorry, we pretend to like that we live in a world of harsh edges but there are no harsh edges, there are no borders between these things. Those hard lines are all imaginary and they're just created for convenience. Whether it's loving or growing up or raising a child or having a job. These aren't destinations, they're not achievements to unlock. Life isn't a video game, it's a journey, everything is a journey and we get to travel it together and I hope, I hope that you enjoy it.

John, I'll see you on Tuesday.