Lizzie: So today, we're going to try something a little different. In about an hour or so, Bing and Caroline are coming over for dinner. And yeah, Mom is freaking out. (But that's obvious.) So I'm going to do my best to give you up-to-the-minute updates during the dinner. Which I'm sure will go perfectly well...

Lydia: Lizzie, Mom needs your help with the salad.

Lizzie: Why can't you do it?

Lydia: Hi, everyone! My sister's suspect domestic skills are needed in the kitchen so I'll be filling in...

Lizzie: Oh no, no, that's uh, that's fine. I'll just be there in a minute, so, you can-

Lydia: But she needs you right now.

Lizzie: Okay, but you are not filling in for me. Okay? Are- are you even listening to me? Fine. My name is Lizzie Bennet-

Lydia: MY NAME IS LYDIA BENNET! [points, then says] Your line, sis.

Lizzie: Guess who's coming to dinner?

Lydia: BING LEE!

[Intro plays]

Lizzie: So right now it's about an hour until dinner, Bing and Caroline are downstairs talking to Dad and Jane and so far so good. But I think that's mainly because Mom is still in the kitchen perfecting everything. Anything. Right now she's panicking about dietary restrictions. And this is even after Bing told her,

Lizzie: [as Bing] It's quite fine, Mrs. Bennet. Caroline and I have no preferences and I'm sure whatever you make will be delicious.

Lizzie: But unfortunately, the only thing that accomplished was sending her into a raging panic, because now she can't decide what to make. And I know what you're thinking, just tell her to make whatever! And believe me, I have.

But right now she has too many choices and it's paralyzing her. Even though she doesn't have that many options. There is only so much you can do with four pounds of lamb.

Lydia: [bursting in] Lizzie, Mom is freaking out!

Lizzie: I know-

Lydia: Hey, you're doing the show without me!

Lizzie: No, I'm- What does Mom want?

Lydia: She needs your help filleting a salmon. Whatever that means.

Lizzie: Wait, there's salmon? Where did that come from?

Lydia: She thought it'd be classier. She's also asking Bing and Caroline if they mind if she doesn't use soy sauce.

Lizzie: No she's not. Oh Mom, why? [runs out of room]

Lydia: Now for the real show. Some things you don't know about Lizzie; she smells bad, she's definitely afraid of birds-

Lizzie: [running back in] Oh no you don't! Nah uh nah uh not gonna happen!

Lydia: PLEASE JUST FOR A MINUTE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-

Lizzie: [after a jump cut] Okay so now it's after dinner and it's turned into a real emergency, I don't have time to go into everything, but Mom embarrassed herself, and then Lydia embarrassed herself, and then Mom embarrassed herself again.. which shouldn't surprise anyone. Shame on me, really.

Okay so now it's damage control time, we've gotta get everyone out of here, at least Bing and Caroline. I texted Charlotte, and she's gonna meet us over at Carter's Bar, we'll have a few drinks, play some video games, and with any luck Bing will have such a good time that he'll completely forget about the worst dinner ever.

Or... at least get so drunk that he doesn't care? Okay, gotta go.

Lydia: Woo, Carter's! Yeah, bitches!

Lizzie: Uh, you're not going.

Lydia: Why not?!

Lizzie: Because it's illegal? And you're gonna stay home and help Mom.

Lydia: Okay. [smiles at the camera] Yeah, I'll just, I'll just stay home by myself then.

Lizzie: ... Okay fine you can go.

Lydia: Yes!!

Lizzie: This is gonna go so well.

Lydia: [raising her hand for a high five] Whuuut!

Lizzie: no.

[Outro plays]