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Uploaded:2017-02-22
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A special thanks to the app CLUE for making this video possible. To learn more about your body and discover how to have a healthy full life go to: http://bit.ly/sxclueapp

The app is absolutely free to use on iOS and Androids and the new feature Clue Connect makes it easy to share your information with others!

Here are some of the resources we used to make this episode:

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2017/1/18/netflix-and-chill-are-friends-with-benefits-relationships-th.html

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/3/2/are-you-a-booty-call-or-a-friend-with-benefits.html

http://scholarworks.sjsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=7683&context=etd_theses

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2017/1/18/netflix-and-chill-are-friends-with-benefits-relationships-th.html

https://msu.edu/~levinet/Bisson%26Levine_2009_FWB.pdf

http://digitalcommons.calpoly.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1044&context=psycdsp
Our video today is sponsored by the free app Clue, a clever period, PMS, ovulation, and fertility tracker for your iPhone or Android. [theme music] Friends with Benefits, or FWB for short, refers to a type of relationship were friends decide to have reoccurring sex - the benefits.

As depicted by this chart, they're like one night stands, booty calls, fuck buddies and committed relationships in various ways, but distinguished themselves as are the only pre-existing friendship were the partner discuss their relationship and each other, spend time socially and sexually over and over again and aren't committed romantically. Maybe you're wondering how.

How do you go from a platonic relationship to a sexual one? A 2013 study found there are seven configurations of friends with benefits which I'll use to explain:
  • "True Friends": maybe they watch sexplanations together and this leads to open communication about causal sex. They wonder if they could pull it off, determine is everyone is into it, then agree to give it a try and end up enjoying it.
  • "Just Sex": a little more than an acquaintance you hook up with, or the way I see it, a friendship based on sex.
  • "Network Opportunity": you're in the same social circles, going to concerts together, playing board games as part of a group, but when it comes time to go home, you and your FWB end up in the same car going to the same bedroom. "Oh, you're not in a relationship...me neither. Wanna go back to my place and chill?"
  • "Successful Transition In": This is the beginning of many love stories. You're hanging out, acting like friends, and no one has said what it really is because you're testing the waters for a dating relationship.
  • "Failed Transition In": Those who don't pass the "it could be more" test, but keep having sex anyways.
  • "Unintentional Transition In": Very much my way of going about this. Hanging out and having sex, all innocent like, just friends with benefits and then without meaning to, I end up in a romantic partnership.
  • "Transition Out": People break up, but continue to sleep together as friends.
Another study by Bissen and Levine identified the motivation behind all these scenarios as quote, "recreational, non-exclusive sex with a known and trusted other." The downfall is this perception that sex and friendship are incompatible, the classic fear that sex could ruin the friendship. Bissen and Levine found almost half of FWBs experience uncertainty: uncertainty about what to call it, what the future will look like, if they'll be able to stay friends, how long this can go on, and how do they really feel about it. Which you think could be solved with a friendly conversation, but no.

Turns out talking about a relationship is one of the most taboo topics for intimate partners. Intimate partners avoid intimate discussions about their intimacy more than any other subject? When asked how friends with benefits resolved the uncertainty, 84% of those studies said a talk wasn't even initiated, 9% joked their way into conversation, and 3% brought up concerns as they were becoming sexual.

Like, making out, then saying, "So what do you think about us doing this." Kiss, kiss, "I don't know," slobber, slobber. For those who managed to have the talk, it was about expectations: how sex would or wouldn't change things and if everyone's still into it.

17% felt the need to justify why they were having sex as friends in the first place. "I like you," "I wasn't thinking clearly," "You know me so well," "I was lonely," rebounding, "It just felt right in the moment." Some self-proclaimed FWB gurus insist there are commandments to make all this easier: "Don't spend the night, don't go on dates, don't cuddle, don't meet the parents, and don't fall in love." But it turns out, people only set grounds about 27% of the time. I believe you and your friends make the calls.

You decide what your friendship looks like and you decided what your benefits look like. You may be into it for a few days or the sexually beneficial friendship may last for years. A study by Olivia Jorge found that most people give it a few months to a year. What I hope you value in any partnership is the partners themselves; do you get along and is the sex safe and pleasurable.

Jorge's report, linked in the description, has an evaluation you can use to answer these questions. By asking her respondents, she learned 57% of FWBs met their friend's physical needs and many were able to tell their friend how to make the sex better. My favorite statistic of them all is that 91% of respondents described sex with their friend as fun. Have fun, be kind and stay curious.

The reason I invited Clue to sponsor this episode is because they have a new connect feature on their app that makes it easy to share intimate information with your friends, including those with benefits.

If this is my Clue account,  when I'm bleeding, when I'm cranky, super sexy but cautious about getting pregnant. I can go to this to this two-torsos icon, click, and get FWB access to my cycle. It allows them to see my past, current, and predicted cycles so that they can be like, "Oh, that's when Lindsey's in red rhapsody, I'll make sure to give her a back massage then have ginger tea and chocolate on hand."

Just before menstruation, I get spiky, now anyone I share my cycle with can log in and go, "Oh, Lindsey's uterus is getting ready to purge its lining and she feels worn down. Even though she's not being nice, I bet it would really help her if she got laid."

So stay curious and get Clue for free.