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Tour Tickets: (Orlando still not on sale! Sorry, we're working very hard to figure it out.), description. Um. This video is about butt problems and toilet paper and it will be interesting to see what YouTube's demonetization algorithm thinks about it. Yeah, I honestly don't know what else to say. I am very tired.

Thanks to Hayes Brown for the title.

The beat I used for the butt song:

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Good morning, John. I'm using the tripod for support, so I don't fall over. Euugh goodness, jet-lag is real.

I was staying at a very nice hotel in Melbourne, part of the Pan-Pacific hotel chain, ever stayed at the Pan-Pacific?  They're so nice.  Beautiful view of the river, soft, satin sheets.  I don't know what satin is. Probably they were cotton, but nice cotton. Cotton that grew out of the ground with one hope in its little cotton brain: to make me happy.

Melbourne was super nice, the whole experience of VidCon Australia was so nice, I love Australians, it was so great.  BUT, John.  Back to this hotel for a second.  There was a bathtub and a shower, like this was a nice place.  The art in the... I'm sorry I didn't take any video, what do you expect?  What am I, a professional video-I am, I am.

Here's the thing: toilet paper was a miserable disgrace.  I get that if I'm like at Walmart, and I have to poo, that I'm gonna be touching my butt with the worst thing ever.  I'm not happy about it, but that's the sitch, it's Walmart.

I used to work at Walmart; people, like, would go in and take all of the toilet paper off the roll with them home.  I replaced the toilet paper rolls and I knew that like, okay it's been two hours, somebody filled their backpack with the Walmart toilet paper and they left. Okay that's a way to save some money that I had not thought of.  That's why Walmart doesn't have nice toilet paper, because people will take it.

But this was a very nice hotel.  Do Australians just like have iron butts? Raise your hand if you got like a butt problem.  I just want you to know that you're not the only one, a lot of people just raised their hands. There are a lot of butt problems.  I don't think that we should be ashamed of them; there's hemorrhoids, there's anal fissures, you don't wanna be ashamed of that one, but you also don't really wanna say it out loud. And so many people have IBD, like the more you go to the bathroom, the more chance of... just, pant area unpleasantness.

And you gotta get clean, we don't have bidets, cause it's America.  In Europe, they got bidets for days, is something I just wanted to say.

And I think maybe for a lot people who don't have butt problems aren't aware that that can be the worst.  A single bad toilet paper experience can ruin like days of my life.  Like walking becomes a thing that I like, "I don't wanna do that."

And I've developed some techniques and strategies: it's good to have, like a, like a little tube of... I don't know, basically diaper rash cream. Little lubrication for... this is your butt cheeks right here.

(trap music)

These are your butt cheeks
Your bootious what cheeks
Get some Anal ointment
And make an appointment
And then the irritation
As you strut cheeks

Your butt cheeks
These hand are your butt cheeks
The motion I'm making
Is a simulation of the action of
Both of your butt cheeks

These are your butt cheeks

(Music fades)

Maybe I should go the next step, and I should take my, like, ultra soft Downy or whatever with the bears that, they're so happy about how the butts are very clean... whatever those bears are.

I basically buy toilet paper, the opposite of how I order food when I'm at a restaurant. Like I open the menu and I'm like "This is too much!" and I just pick the cheapest thing. Toliet paper's the opposite of that. I just buy the most expensive toilet paper, cause I assume that they've done something. 

It's confusing, though, right, because sometimes it's like, 'Double the length of roll' and you, uh, man, I don't know. I don't know! Give me a like a per-yard cost! You're making it intentionally confusing. I understand. That's how profit works?

Step 1, make a product. Step 2, confuse the consumer. Woo woo woo woo, wahh wahh wahh ah Step 3, profit. I get it. It works for the American medical system. Oh you guys are gonna have to get some salve for that burn, which you will charge yourselves way too much for. 

Anyway, I understand that, uh, it's capitalism. In our home lives, we don't see the 20% or 40% premium that we're paying for nicer toilet paper. But a business, especially one that buys a lot of toilet paper is gonna see that as a huge and important expense that they're gonna want to eliminate at the cost of people with butt problems having a good day. 

John, I will see you on Tuesday. This was weird.