Hank: Hello, and welcome to Hank Green plays DeathSpank! A game that I have on my computer and I am playing it for fun. This is it! We are about to learn a true story of DeathSpank! Let's listen in and see what it is. Oo that was a creepy person!

Old Woman Narrator: The world almost ended once. It is a story I need to tell before I grow too old to remember. 

H: Oh! 

N: It was a story of a man. Some called a curse and other called a hero, but a man they all called...

H: DeathSpank! 

N: DeathSpank! 

H: You probably already know that I'm going to be calling this DeathHank...

N: Fore it was told in his destiny to possess a powerful artifact. Only known as, The Artifact. DeathSpank dedicated...

H: Looks remarkably like bacon.

N: ...his life to becoming a hero to the downtrodden, a vanquisher of evil, and a dispenser of justice! 

H: Dispenser of... Death! 

N: To becoming a hero worthy of the power of The Artifact. To becoming the hero of his destiny. *slow electric guitar plays* 

H: I am DeathSpank! 

N: I'll begin my tale at the doorstep of the Demon Witch Ms. Heybenstance. 

H: She's hot! 

N: Led there by a guy too smart to go any further. DeathSpank clutches in his hand the final clue! In a life's journey paved in blood and steel and bacon. 

H: Oh! Bacon, I told you. Of course there's bacon. 

N: A journey that will finally lead him to The Artifact. 

H: Hello game! 

N: Or so he was told... 

H: Oh! My guide got dead... That's sad. How do I...? Oh, ah! Yes, you're all dead now. I'll take your money, sir. Thank you for it. And beating up barrels, one of my favorite past times. Um... oo yeah, so left click is the crossbow. 

Cheesy Salesman Voice: Make sure you do this incredibly exciting, non specific thing.

H: That is the voice of DeathSpank... and there's treasure. It's got- I got some stuff out of that. There's an outhouse here. 

DeathSpank: If I am slain in combat I will automatically resurrect at these scented outhouses. 

H: Spawn points! 

D: You can also travel between outhouses by a means I don't care to explain. 

H: Ehh! The First Outhou- this is my map! Excellent! Okay, DeathSpank so far, uh, I played this a little bit to get the hang of it. It's very fun, it's kinda funny, it's cute, it's well designed and it's pretty. Uh, and I killed that guy like mad. He totally died. 

D: Use Weapons of Justice...

H: Weapons of Justice!

D:...thingies when the justice meter is full. 

H: By hitting enemies. I probably missed a joke at the end of that... Sorry everyone, I missed a joke. Hey, you hit me! Ah, not okay. Don't you know?! Hey, you hit me too! Geez! Don't stop clicking Hank! They will hit you if you stop clicking. This is a lot like Diablo. Have you guys ever played Diablo? I'm a fan of Diablo. Death, and death! Did I miss any chicken bones? Ah! There's some money.

Um, so uh, people seem to be dropping chicken fairly regularly. There's chicken right here! Will you drop chicken if I kill chicken? Yes, you will! A cooked drumstick, all I have to do is hit you... with my Death Axe. Hello, yes. So, I assume drumsticks are for health and there's, uh... this is the Witch I believe here. I'm going to break some of her barrels because she is obviously not a fan of her barrels. There's a pixie bush here. Good, hello! 

D: GREETINGS Ms. Heybenstance...

H: Heybenstance. 

D: I am DeathSpank! 

H: I am.

D: Hero to the downtrodden! 

H: Yes. 

D: Vanquisher of evil! 

H: Yes. 

D: Dispenser of justice! 

H: That could've fit all on one screen and it would've gone a little fast...

D: And I have come for The Artifact!

H: The Artifact! 

Ms. Heybenstance: No need for the introduction DeathSpank, I know who you are! 

H: I don't know who you are!  Oh! I got a... already. Enough with the chit chat, give me The Artifact! 

D: Hey, wait a second... you're a witch! 

Ms. H: Well, duh! Did you not, yourself, refer to me as Demon Witch?

H: I thought that maybe that was a special... 

D: I  thought that was your name, and well you know, that maybe your parents were actors or something. 

H: *laughs*

Ms. H: I'm starting to think your parents were siblings.

H: Oh, it's funny, you see? Uh... 

D: Did you know that they path here is littered with the reanimated dead? 

Ms. H: Of course! You didn't destroy them, did you? 

D: It's kind of what I do.

H: *laughs*

Ms. H: Great. There goes my bridge night. 

H: Oh... that was her friends! 

D: Tell me the location of The Artifact, Demon Witch! 

Ms. H: I hid it deep in the Demon Mines! 

H: You hid it?! Why? 

Ms. H: I placed a powerful magic seal before The Artifact. 

H: My weapons of justice will make short work of that seal 

D: I've never met a magic seal that I couldn't open.

Ms. H: You will never break that seal! Not without my help. 

H: I feel like there should be a seal pun right there. 

D: Aren't you the one who magically sealed The Artifact deep in the Demon Mines in the first place? 

Ms. H: That was just a job that I was paid to do! 

H: I see! Okay... 

D: You would not believe the heroic... 

H: No! That's not what I meant to click on!

D: ...that brought me here! 

Ms. H: Nor would I particularly care.

D: I once danced with the devil by the pale moonlight. 

H: *laughs* 

Ms. H: Oh my... that does sound dangerous... 

H: Well you've never tried it, have you?! 

D: Not really... 

H: Well, okay nevermind. 

D: Only if you try to lead. 

H: *laughs* 

D: To his credit though, he does one hell of a Lambada

H: Dancing with a man has always been awkward for me, because I'm just so used to leading. Uh, so I know, I know what he's talking about. 

D: What ungodly price must be paid to unseal The Artifact? 

Ms. H: My poor darling dragon hatchlings are being attacked by a pack of vicious chickens

H: Ah! Well then I will kill those vicious chickens

Ms. H: I want those chickens taken care of violently. 

H: I am- that is my middle name

Ms. H: Bring me their lips as proof of their demise

H: Chicken lips! Uh, chickens don't have lips

D: Do chickens even have lips? 

Ms. H: Of course they do! 

H: Where?

Ms. H: How else do you expect them to whistle? 

H: Ah, that's a funny joke

D: Good point

H: Chicken whistling. Hello outhouse! Heybenstance's outhouse, that's not where I want to hangout. Hello chickens! Vicious chicken, they're not just stupid chickens these are the vicious kind. Oh geez, it didn't die! I just assumed. Yes! I will shoot you with my crossbow. Lips, lips, lips, lips, lips. Die, die. Heh, the arrow actually stick inside of them, that's great. Die, die.

Chicken lips... I'm just going to shoot you guys from a distance, is that cool? Do you mind? Apparently not... Do I have to kill them before the dragon hatchlings die? 'Cause that I might not do. Alright, I feel like I have enough chicken lips- officially have enough chicken lips.

Okay, the dragon hatchling is attacking me. I'm on your side, friend! Alright, got your chicken lips, lady. As odd as that is. Somebody- just money in the barrel! Love video games, there's never just money in my barrels. 

D: Greeting, Demon Witch!

H: Greetings, Demon Witch! 

D: I have your lips- well not your lips

H: You have your lips... and very poky, pointing breasts, if you are looking at them, which I am not! Of course

Ms. H: ... be able to sleep again. Now I was going to grind your bones into a nice stew...

H: I'd prefer if you didn't do that! 

Ms. H: ...I actually feel a tinge of gratitude for your help. 

H: I have that effect on people

D: I get that a lot

H: OH! oh... 

Ms. H: I will now help you get The Artifact

H: The Artifact! I'm going to say that everytime. 

Ms. H: ...to break the spell.

H: Okay... 

Ms. H: I require some hair of pixies

H: I already got some of that! I've already got some of that

Ms. H: Bright red demon imp horns

H: Don't have any of those

Ms. H: And a crystal shard from the slime pits

H: The slime pits! 

D: I don't know what your cooking, Demon Witch, but it sounds delicious

H: No... no it doesn't. A crystal shard? And demon horns?

Ms. H: ...but you'll have to venture beyond my gate

H: Okay, okay well open the gate and I will venture forth! 

Ms. H: Let me open it for you

H: Well thank you Demon Witch! Yes, yes. Alright there is another weapon here. How do

D: ...happy time in a growing adventurer's life. I can use new and exciting weapons and even get a limited edition Hero Card! 

H: Hero Card? What is a Hero Card do? I have to push H to find out. I can use armor, I move 5% faster, my block lasts 10% longer. I'm going to go with faster. I'm clicking on it *incessant clicking noise* How do you... Oh! I have to continue first. Yay, okay! Surprise? Did I really just say surprise? So... oh I push tab if I wanna my other weapons, right? Is that right? Oh, I tab between them, okay. Okay... fascinating do you want to talk to me still? 

D: Greetings, Demon Witch! 

H: Nevermind, I have some ingredients to find! So, I tab between them. Okay, woah! What did I do? What did I push? Op, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what that was. 

D: Your map is...

H: My map!

D: ...it's a map. You look at it and gain special awareness of your position in the world! 

H: *laughs* That's awesome, I love that. What is this? It's a man! It's a man, Bob. And Bob is a fisherman

Stranger: Greetings heroic looking traveler

D: I am DeathSpank! 

H: Call me by my name! 

S: Yeah, my and the whole forest heard it when you were telling the Demon Witch

H: I have a very- I project! My voice projects! Oh, I think we need to end this episode of Hank plays DeathHank here. 'Cause I am going over my time and this conversation could go on for hours. It's kind- this game does have a lot of com- conversing. Um... so you will not see me and I will not see you, but you will hear me next time on Hank Green plays DeathHank!