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Duration:05:25
Uploaded:2020-04-29
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There are currently 1,600 people in this world who actively support the on-going accessibility of sex education through patreon.com/sexplanations. They make it possible for others to have this show for free. Really! Sexplanations is currently demonetized meaning we receive zero funding from YouTube for the content we create.
To say thank you to our donors for literally making this show possible, I asked them on Patreon to share their sex questions. This episode is my answers to those questions.
Here's a link to the playlist I mentioned: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_zdi3TflN9IXasj71WNjjuwZi5DTGxAY

Dr. Doe's contact info:
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Support Sexplanations by becoming a sexpla(i)naut: https://www.patreon.com/sexplanations
https://www.patreon.com/sexplanationspodcast
For this episode of Ask Lindsey, I specifically wanted to answer the questions of Sexplainauts.  Sexplainauts are fans of Sexplanations who also back the channel financially.  I consider them my business partners and I appreciate them dearly for making this show possible. 

(Intro)

"Hi, My name is Alice and I have recently begun having penetrative sex.  I can count the amount of times on my fingers still.  It hurts a lot in the beginning and my partner and I end up laying there with his dick halfway in my vagina until it doesn't hurt to go in further.  This continues until I'm able to handle the full length of his penis.  We use lube and it helps a lot, but it doesn't solve the issue.  Is this normal and will it get better with time and experience or is there anything I can do to make it more comfortable?"

Hi Alice.  I can relate to being curious why body doesn't function the way I think it should.  I do this even now after decades of being in this body and a doctorate that taught me that there isn't one way it should work.  It's worth noting that with a handful of tries, your body may not have acclimated to the new experience.  A study published in The British Journal of Social Psychology conducted by (?~1:00) and colleagues found that on average, it takes individuals 66 days to adapt to a new behavior, a minimum of 18.  That being said, if something is wrong and your body is trying to tell you this, forcing yourself to continue can lead to secondary vaginismus.  Please keep the experience as positive as you can to reinforce your body's desire for it.  A starting point for me, and what I recommend to others, is separating out the difference between what I can and can't control.  There's an episode of Sexplanations called "Sexual Injustices" that has an exercise to help wit this.  I'd also suggest the episode where I explain arousal and the expanding of the vagina called tenting.  For you and anyone else with curiosities, I've made a playlist with these and "Being Your Own Sexologist", "Why Sex is Painful", and the more recent "Vaginismus".  I think the best suggestion I can give you refers to a psychology technique called vicarious mastery of experience, observing someone else like you navigating something similar.  Mutual help is one of the most successful solutions to any problem.

"I'm a 34 year old male and I have never had an intimate relationship.  I'm hoping to start a relationship and while I'm not ashamed of my lack of experience, I wonder if you have any recommendations of ways to practice being a good partner while I'm alone."

Apart, of course, from being respectful of your partner's boundaries, friendship!  It's great practice.  Friendships and relationships with your family members, coworkers, neighbors, et cetera.  In the words of Oscar Wilde, "Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation."  

"I'm a mid 30 year old virgin guy, heterosexual I think, based on the limited sexual attraction I have had.  I've tried to date many times since my late teens but not succeeded, for the most part due to the poor social skills and lack of understanding of the other party.  I live in India, which is socially very conservative when it comes to sex."  
He goes on to explain his efforts: family arranged marriage attempts, building up a variety of personal and social hobbies, improving his self esteem, masturbating in more ways thanks to Sexplanations and other resources.   Yes!  Lots of options.  "I do honestly feel like I am making a big deal out of relationships.  Also with my social issues, being in a relationship, let alone being married, is not something that I want to rush into.  So what I'm asking is, should I have sex with a prostitute?"  Took the words right out of my mouth!  "I have, mostly likely ignorantly, been adverse to the idea because I feel that they would only care about the time that they have to give and I may end up disliking the experience and hating sex.  If you have any advice, I'm all ears."

As prostitution, or sex work, is legal in India, here in Mexico, and in some parts of one state in the United States where Sexplanation is registered as a business, I feel comfortable saying sex work is definitely an option for you.  Just like hiring a therapist or hairstylist, it's wise to do some research, find someone who can ease you into it, and give you aftercare when it's over.  Hating sex is not what I want for you.  Choices.  Choices are what I want for you.  The choice to have sex or not have sex, wait or try something new, hire a professional or ask for more help.  Choices.  

Last question for today.  "I want to start an adult toy store but don't know where to start." 

On the Sexplanations Road Tour, we would often stop a sex stores.  It was like visiting family.  My people!  I would recommend a little tour of your own.  Check out sites online.  What are people doing that does or doesn't work.  Is there a contact page for you to call or email owners who might serve as mentors?  I can recommend Love Revolution in Ashton, Oregon, The Sexploratorium in Philly, A Woman's Touch in Madison, Wisconsin, Va Va Voom in Asheville, North Carolina, and Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis.  There are so many places!  So many resources!  Kenton of (?~4:24) toys is a Sexplainaut who started from scratch designing and manufacturing silicone playthings.  I'd also recommend reading about (?~4:28) who founded Good Vibrations and Phil Harvey, who launched Adam & Eve.  I think their motives are why their companies continue to succeed and their stories are so inspiring.  

Two more resources: The Financial Diet and Crash Course: Entrepreneurship here on YouTube can help with the business aspects of your store.  I had a business plan once for my adult boutique.  I did not implement said plan.  I do not have an adult boutique anymore.

A huge thank you to all of you who asked questions on our Patreon page.  To everyone who supports the channel so that we can teach sex ed to the planet and to those of you who watch and share what we make because it increases sexual literacy, thank you for staying curious.  

We don't have an endscreen because our channel is demonetized.  Check out the links in the description and come back next week.  

Sound.  Visual.  Lindsey.  Fritz.  Let's do the show called Sexplanations.