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In which John talks about whether minors should be allowed to do certain things. The Swoodilypoopers take on Yeovil Town.

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Hello and welcome to hankgames without Hank my name is John Green, I'm the manager of the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers and Swindon Town just scored with literally the last touch of the game to send this game into extra time, we're in the playoff semifinals, if they win this game they go to Wembley, the Brentford fans were literally singing "Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be Will Be) We're going to Wem-bl-ey" and NO, not yet, friends. Wow. The intensity is palpable. Uh, I'm having some trouble getting over it. Uh- I mean, uh-uh-eh-eeeeh- ah, this is just bananas. Okay, my heart is racing. Today-um-the, uh, the, the Swoodilypoopers, not the Swindon Town Robins, who I'm watching on, um, my computer right now, the Swoodilypoopers are going to be, um, playing Yeovil Town, who by the way, is the very same team, that the Swoodilypoopers- the IRL Swindon will face, if they win this, uh, this miracle game. Um- oh, OH, oh, okay, I can't believe it's going to extra time. Poor Brentford fans, they must be suffering, tremendously. The only reason that Brentford weren't automatically promoted in the first place, by the way, is because they missed the penalty in the last seconds of-of the previous-their last game of the season- it was insanity. Um- if you don't like soccer, you really should just like it for the last week of the- uh, League One season because man is it high quality. Today I'm gonna tell- talk about my opinion about whether minors should be allowed to do various things- um, but first I'm gonna have to find a way to tackle Yeovil Town- Yeovil TOWN! Oh, that was HUGE. That was- that was... OH, Green- Green Eggs and Foderingham. Okay, um... What am I talk- what, what, what- I'm very stressed out right now, Meredith. There's a lot of in- there are a lot of things happening. Um- I've gotta say, the Swoodilypoopers have been playing terribly, um, and it might be because half of me is paying attention to what the Swindon Town Robins are up to, um- and I'm sorry for recording these all back to back, but I have to, because I'm going to have a human child. Oh, to Bald John Green, and then to your husband, please- OH with a beautiful backheel, but it comes to nothing like so much beautiful effort in this world. Uh, what am I talking about? I'm talking about whether minors should be allowed to do various things. Starting with skydiving- no, minors should not be allowed to skydive, that should be obvious. I'm not even totally clear on whether adults should be allowed to skydive, but I know for a fact that you shouldn't be allowed to do that until you're at least 18 because you're brain does not have the capacity to make long term permanent decisions, like "I want to spend 7 micromorts- um- falling out of a freaking airplane." By the way, for those of you who don't know, a micromort is a one-in-a-million chance of dying, um, skydiving is seven micromorts, and ergo, not worth it because even if you don't die, you fell out of a freakin' airplane, and you probably had an anxiety attack, so... good for you! Um, yes, not worth it, not worth it, not worth it. Okay, what else can't minors do in my opinion? Get a tattoo? Absolutely not. Again, you don't really have the capacity to make, like, permanent decisions. I'm not even totally sold on the idea of 18 year olds being able to get tattoos because it seems like kind of an arbitrary definition of adulthood. I think maybe you should have to pass some, like, adulthood marker- um... I don't know, maybe like 27. 27 seems like a reasonable age to get your first tattoo. Um, then you've wanted it for a while, you know, you know it's good, you know you're gonna like it. Um, you've probably drawn it on your arm a million times- I don't know- yes, certainly not under 18 for tattoos. Um, I-I-I like, I mean I like tattoos, and I think, you know, I don't have, I certainly don't have a problem with tattoos, they're 0 micromorts, maybe- maybe half a micromort, just from infection and stuff, not a big deal. Um, so there's no danger to you, but, you know, you just don't want to end up with a tattoo you don't like, like, you don't want to end up with the wrong lady's name tattooed on your- on your chest, or whatever, um, that happened to Tommy Lee, and, you know, look where he ended up. You guys don't even know who Tommy Lee is, probably. I don't know where he ended up, but, um, but I know a lot of things about him that I wish i didn't know. ALRIGHT, what's next? Should- should teenagers be allowed to drink alcohol? I mean, uh, it depends on how to define "drink" and "alcohol," like, I'm pretty opposed to binge drinking in all contexts, the Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers are back on the field with a devastated looking Brentford, uh- Cormac McCarthy is the, um... is the, um... s-sorry, I'm so- I'm so distracted-Cormac McCar- it's nil-nil at half time against Yeovil Town. I- in fact, you know what- Meredith, do you in magical thinking, like sometimes I used to- I remember I used to play video games when I was a kid, and I would be like "If I win this video game, I'm gonna get an A on that test," or more commonly, "If I win this video game, this girl is gonna go out with me," and, like, I would even- down to like, I'm such a- I-I-I hate this about myself, but I'm a really superstitious person, and I would even- it would even be down to like, um, "I'm not going to call this girl until I-I-I complete this video game oriented task, of like, then I can be confident in calling her that she'll yes," and-um-or, you know, about anything, like "I don't wanna," you know, a-anyway, um, I am going to beat Yeovil Town because if I do, I believe that Swindon will win the game today and then- oh, and then go up to the championshi- and then go to Wembley to face Yeovil Town where they will win again, and they will go to the Championship, and wouldn't that be amazing? Tiny Swindon Town in the Second League of English football, it would just be beautiful. By the way, the Swoodilypoopers are headed to that very league, this very ne-the next season. Okay. So, um, I'm going to win this game. I don't know how, but I'm gonna find a way. We gotta f-why is-why is the stream stopping-okay! What else should teenagers not be allowed to do in my persnickety old person opinion? Alcohol? Right. I mean, I don't have a problem with, like, teenagers having a glass of wine with dinner or anything, I don't believe it prohibition, I just don't think that it works very well, but, um, I don't- I don't really think that teenagers should-should be allowed, even under the supervision of their parents to binge drink, 'cause I think it's really bad for you. Um, and it's particularly bad, there's some research that it's pretty bad for teenage brains- it's the same with marijuana, actually, I have absolutely no problem with people smoking marijuana, but I do think it should be illegal for teenagers because it's bad for you, like, it's bad for brain development, and you're making long term decisions about brain development that you aren't really qualified to make, because you don't really know much about what the future looks like. I know I don't know what the future looks like either- the funniest thing about this- my tension surrounding this Swindon game- is that this will be uploaded in, like, a month, when all of this will be settled, and all of you will all know what happened, I mean, insofar as you care about real soccer. Um, yes. Alright. But anyway, when I was at the County Ground this-uh- when I was at the County Ground this year I kept thinking, like, wouldn't it be amazing if Swindon went up to the Championship, and next season they were playing teams like, you know, uh, QPR and Crystal Palace, and, alright, here we go, Fireball Wilson Groberts with a heck of a run and then a terrible cross. Great run though, really proud of him. Alright, what's next? Should teenagers be allowed to read 50 Shades of Gray? Sure. Yeah. I don't see why not. I mean, I don't think there's anything- I don't- I don't think teenagers read stuff and then think, like, "Oh, that's the way world-" like, I mean, I don't know, this might be too personal, but like I certainly read erotica when I was in high school, and- m-much of it, you know, better quality than 50 Shades of Gray, but nothing, um, nothing that would s- I don't think it in any way harmed me. Um, and I- I certain- yeah, I don't think- I don't think it really, I think teenagers, I think children in general are really good at self-censoring, like, they know, they kind of know what works for them- oh-oh- NO, do not call a foul there when there was clearly no foul! Alright. What this game needs, nothing against- this games needs right now John Green and Fitz Hall. Actually, it might not need Fitz Hall. Because, well I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna bring in Fitz Hall, but I'm gonna put Ginger McShane out there on the left, and then... then we've got Other John Green ready to come on, in the event that he is needed. Alright, we got- we got seventeen minutes to score here, we gotta get this done. Meanwhile, in Swindon, still four-four, the tension is palpable. Um, Blizzard!? Meredith, write down Blizzard, I want him. I wish to acquire you D. Blizzard. His name is Blizzard! He might have even been a ginger, I didn't get a good look. Um, okay. So, uh... yeah, I just think, like, when it comes to- oh, Green Eggs and Foderingham, everything's fine, nobody freak out, there we go. Yup. Why not put it in the hands of Bostock, one of the greatest central attacking midfielders of all time? Not a good pass, but, otherwise okay. That was James Collins, he's had a, you know, they say he's got a lot of potential, my- my assistant coaches keep saying that, but I just haven't, I haven't seen the performances- to be fair, I haven't been nice to him, which many of you have pointed out to me- OH NO. Alright. He's actually become Meredith's favorite player because of how mean I am to him, but, like, I don't know. I don't know. OH. OH. OH, FITZY. Oh, he's big, he's small, he's short, he's tall. One size, Fitz Hall. Come on, get through! Mmm, that was a little risky. 84 minutes. Come on. Uh, is there anything else that I have to talk about that teenagers should or should not do? Oh, should they make their own medical decisions? Um, yes. Yeah, I mean, again though, yes with some reservations, like I think there are probably some medical decisions that they shouldn't be allowed to make- that's an extremely complicated and interesting, like, ethical quandary, like, um, but I-I do think that, you know, you have to empower-eh- I mean you have to empower teenagers to be able to make basic decisions about their care that they're often denied to opportunity to make, um, because they aren't treated as, like fully human, and you have to res- like, respect the fact that, like, someone's brain is developing, but also that they are a- a complete human being, um, and sometimes I feel like that's what- that's what gets lost in that conversation, um, and that makes me very sad, as someone who has a lot of friends who are sick teenagers, um, okay. No-no, clearly not, I was clearly trying to pass to Merrick Maric Merrick Maric. Alright, we- I- I'm worried about Swindon because we are again, we did it, we- we didn't win. Meredith, what happened? It's kinda like they're just sort of inching toward the finish line. Now I'm very worried about what's gonna happen in this game because I've jinxed it by failing to beat Yeovil town. SHMERG. Best wishes. [vs. Yeovil 0-0 tie]