Hello and welcome to the FA Cup where the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys are taking on- are you kidding me?! Really?! Really?! Must we? By the way, in a stunning turn of events, it's raining in England, but because it's January, that rain is coming down in frozen form, known as snow. Urgh.

Well, it's the FA Cup which means that you can get paired against any team, whether they're- look at the little Gaulden child! He's five years old but he just- he loves his country. Um... Which means that you can get paired against any team, including teams that maybe arguably shouldn't exist. (sings) Who were you, who were you, who were you when you were us? (talks) Alright, I'm not gonna sing for the whole time. They're not even worthy of our songs!

It's the franchise, ladies and gentlemen. They would be our rivals if they were a legitimate football club, which they aren't. Hold on, I gotta tighten up my mic stand a little bit. I don't even know what to say about this. The FA Cup, historically our competition, although I don't think the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys have ever won it, but um... The Swindon Town Swoodilypoopers won it a lot, but I believe that we can win this game. It's not going to be easy, obviously. Tensions are high, the excitement is palpable... We're not even starting our best team as a way of insulting the franchise, um... Uh... But yeah, there you go.

So there are the franchise players. They've got a bunch of guys um... You know what they sing- you know what they sing when they play them in real life, Meredith? They sing (sings) you know who you are, you know who you are, you franchise bastard, you know who you are! (talks) Anyway, I'm not that- I'm not that angry. It's okay, it's not a big deal. It's not like we wanna destroy them with- unnecessary slide-tackle! Ohhh, it was a good one though. That was a good one. K. Sainte-Luce showing the franchise exactly what he thinks of it, with a third-minute unnecessary slide-tackle that I think communicates our rage and excitement about this game.

Alright, we've gotta find a way to win this. We're not good in snow. We've been- we haven't been good. Suddenly, the- the- ohhhh. The MK you're-not-the-Dons off to a poor- off to a pretty good start here, but I believe in the Wimbly Womblys. I believe in our long-term- our long-term uh, goal here. You know, it's not about- it's not about not giving up the first goal. We always give up- Seb Brown! That's right Sebby. That's right, Seb. He was offside anyway, but I liked your- I liked your save.

Finally, we're gonna get a spell of possession here, hopefully put together a couple of passes here in the eleventh minute, show the franchise a little tiki-tika. Show 'em how we play here in Wimbledon. Oh, that's nice! That's nice. That's the good stuff. No need for long balls - why not- oh, why didn't you pass to K. Sainte-Luce?! That was a big mistake.

So um... Uh, quick update on the club. We are in the middle of the January transfer window. So far, very few sales. Only Juan Maresco, seventeen-year-old Juan Maresco, AFC Wimbledon graduate of the academy, moving on to a club in Portugal. He's excited about that because he- he actually speaks Portuguese, um... So I'm happy for him, I guess. Uh, I- it was just time. He knew that it was time, we knew that it was time, everybody felt the same.

It was just- we are getting our butts played off right now. The White House just not house-like in that moment, and then... Okay, there we go! Leonardo Moura giving up an unnecessary corner kick, standard Wimbly Wombly defensive strategy. Uh, pass into the box and give up unnecessary corner kicks, the Wimbly Wombly story. Don't worry, we've got Dicko! Oh, he's not heavy, he's my Dicko.

There we go! Oh, look at that break. Look at that break. Look at that break! Keep running, Dicko. Keep running, Dicko! Keep running, Dicko! Keep running, Dicko! Far post, Dicko! What the frick?! What the frick?! That was a beauti-Dicko did everything right, Meredith! Dicko did everything right, and I mean- there was seventeen ways to play that ball, and it would've resulted in sixteen Dicko goals, but instead we played it in the seventeenth way. That's just frustrating!

And now Francombstein again, Francombstein again. Francombstein, again! Looking to Dickoooooo! Ohhhh, that's frustrating. Uh, man, I want this game so bad! There's only one thing in the world- there's really, I mean, obviously you wanna win every game that you play, but it's funny - you really wanna win some games a lot more, and this is one of them. This is the last time- this may be the last time we ever play the franchise, because hopefully next season we'll be in the premier league and they'll be in league two, but you know, you just- you wanna get it right. You wanna get it right.

It's been interesting to see- there was another um, uh, AFC Wimbledon drew the franchise again, this time in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy, the much heralded- oh gosh, I'm gonna sneeze. (John sneezes) Oh God, I've been wait- oh, that felt so good! And then a great ball to Francombstein in the midst of my sneeze!

Oh, that's not bad! That- Deeney! No. No. The Gaulden child's never gonna get to that ball. But look, you know what we have that they don't have? Hustle and heart. Um, good name for an Oscar-winning movie. Ohhhh, for the love of God! That's just poor- poor passing- poor passing in midfield and, and generally I gotta say- that was a nice- that was nice from Francombstein. You can tell that- you can tell that doctor Francombstein wants this worse than anybody else on the pitch, currently. And it's showing.

Oh, Dickooooo! Don't tell me he's offside. Don't tell me he was offside. Don't tell me he was offside. (saddened) Dicko! I mean... By the most arguable of margins! I think that's a bad call from the linesman. I just think that's a mistake. It was an unfortunate- oh, that was a good unnecessary slide tackle. I liked everything about it. I like it when we play rough! That's the only way to play with these franchise... jerks! I know that some of you guys don't like it when I am so mean to the uh, um, to the football club currently playing in Milton Keynes, but could be playing anywhere because it's- oh my gosh, almost gave up a goal from out of nothing! Um, but you know what? Like uh, you gotta have... You gotta have a little rivalry and passion in this world.

Um... I understand that some people- I understand there are lots of people from Milton Keynes who support their local club, and that's fine. That's fine. That's fine. It's totally fine, as long as you know that you stole the club. It doesn't belong to you, and it belongs to the people.

Get it! Ohhhh, that's a beautiful ball! That's beautiful. That made everything easy! Dicko! Get to the ball! Oh, it's in the net! It's in- what? What?! Ohhhh, God! Did he even touch it?! He didn't touch it, he wasn't offs- oh, God. Really? Ohhhh my goodness gracious. Gah! Frick. Oh, man. That's frustrating. K. Sainte-Luce- do we even have a song for K. Sainte-Luce, Meredith? Can you think of anything? (sings) He's the patron saint of lost crosses. Do do do, do do do. (talks) I don't have anything.

Um... Yeah. He scores when he wants? Um... He usually just crosses, so he gets the assist- he got- oh, why did you run out of bounds?! Who are you? What is your name, sir? Is that Deeney? Have you been drinking? No, it's Callum Kennedy. He was- he was pulled out of bounds by his hideous hair. Alright. Come on, boys! Okay. They passed out of bounds for a nice change of pace.

There's Dicko, sixteen goals in all league appearances. By the way, we've got the best sixtieth substitutions in the world, in the form of John Green and John Green, so I've got- I've still got a lot of hope that we can win this game. That's a nice ball for- that's a nice balllll! Ohhh, it's frustrating. And look, charging in there, absolutely charging in, is Deeney. And then charging back in defense! He's a big, strong man! He may have partied last night but he still knows how to play the game.

Come on! Come on! Big cross! (inhales sharply, exhales sharply) agerbaga! There. Pass. Yes. You know what? Just have a shot, Dicko! Mmm, I liked it though. I liked it because it was just big- you know, it was just- it was Dicko-ish, you know what I mean? Like, he just... He saw it- he saw the opportunity and he said "eh, I might as well".

Alright, we're gonna bring on a John Green. We might bring on another John Green later, and uh, we're gonna take off the Gaulden child. He's been struggling all game, there's no two ways about it. Uhhh, we're gonna bring on Hells Pells. Been impressed with Mose Vestergaard by the way, he's on 17 years old, you know.

Alright, we're only making two substitutions at once because I'm very serious about winning this game, in case you can't tell. That's how you know - because I'm making two substitutions instead of the usual three. Come on, boys! We can do this. Hells Pells, he's got a great- he's got a great shot from outside the box. I absolutely believe that this game remains very winnable.

That's a nice ball for John Green! Look at- ahh, I love the slide tackling, angry John Green! You know what, he may not be as young as he used to be, but he still knows how to get on the floor! Ohhh, it's beautiful, even when it's not effective. You know what it does though? It intimidates our opponents, and then eventually they give up the ball because they're scared of us. Because they say "who are these monsters?!" Keep it up with the unnecessary slide tackles! Look at John Green! He's a big, strong man!

That's a nice ball. Nope. Nope. Come on, guys. Come on, focus! Focus. Everybody- everybody on the same page. Eleven players all wanting the same thing - that's what this game is about. It's about shared vision, unity and moments of brilliance. Okay. We can do this. I am absolutely- I don't know if you can hear me, but I am absolutely screaming on the sidelines. I am- I am wearing an overcoat and I am a balding, middle-aged man, and I am screaming my head off, saying "get the ball back!" and then we did, and I didn't pass into the box because I'm better than I used to be, and then Dicko- Dicko! That's a terrible first touch!

There's- nice. Nice. No. Obviously to K. Sainte-Luce, in that situation. Okay. I don't know how to- I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the buttons, that makes them not pass to K. Sainte-Luce when I clearly want to. That was to K. Sainte-Luce but it wasn't a very accurate pass. Alright, everybody stay calm. I- we've got Dicko and Other John Green on the case - that should be enough, you would think! Not through the box. Don't pass through the box! Don't. Pass. Through. The BOX, Green! Nice. Nice. Get yourself out of trouble. Very good! Yes! Yes.

Dicko? Dickoooooo! Arghhhh. Inches away! You know who would've gotten there, I hate to say it, but he's got more energy... Bald John Green. It might be time. It might be time for some Bald John Green. No, I think it's actually time to replace - wow, Leonardo Moura's suffering out there. I think it's actually time to replace... Uh, this is gonna be a little bit of a complicated substitution, I apologize in advance. Ya Bamba's gonna go out onto the left, K. Sainte-Luce is gonna go to his natural position on the right side of the midfield, and uh, we're gonna go from there.

I'm gonna stay in your face! (forcefully angry) Stay in your face! Sorry, (laughing) I'm really angry. This is- this game is not a joke to me! I know that sometimes you guys feel like "oh, this is a performance" or something. Like, I- I- if I don't win this game, I am gonna be... I am gonna scream at the guys. They have never- they've never been whipped like they're gonna get whipped if they don't win this game, and I might mean that- argh! I mean, I don't believe in physical punishment, but ARGH! Come on, guys!

Yes! Great, great, great, great, great! Bald John Green, Other John Green! Dicko! (screams) Off the post! (sadly) Off the post. Off the post! Ohhh, God, everybody was so open, it was a really well-timed run and then he got it onto his preferred left foot and then off the post! Ohhhh, that's frustrating. Röcker and Francombstein are like "can you believe he hit the post?! The whole freaking goal was open!" Anyway, we're gonna make our last substitution here, ya Bamba for Francombstein...

Uh, eighty-fourth minute, still nil-nil. I don't wanna have to play these guys again, and if we don't win here, we're gonna have to do a replay at the franchise's house, and that's not gonna be fun for anybody. Uh, plus, I really don't wanna lose because then we're out of the FA Cup and we lost to the franchise, so it's doubly annoying. This is a win-or-go-home tournament - we must win this game or win the replay um, and I'd rather win this game, just to save everybody some effort.

Come on, boys. Come on, boys. Come on, boys. You can do it. For your country! For your club that you love. For your club, Dicko! Arghhh, Dicko! It's frus- I mean, he's just- he's exhausted. He's wearing Wimbly blue, but he just... Argh, so many unnecessary slide tackles. I just- there's no question that passion is playing a role in this performance right now. Dicko! Dicko! Dahhhhhh.

Frustrating! Nil-nil. Arghhhhhhhh!!! These guys are going to be YELLED at in the locker room. Do not celebrate! Do not celebrate a nil-nil draw at home, Wimbly Womblys, to the franchise - that is nothing to be proud of! Best wishes.