You've chosen to ask my beard for help.  I don't know if this is gonna work, well, le- let's see what happens.

Well, among my kind, the beards, the great Egyptian metal beard plague is common knowledge.  Since royalty would wear fake beards, many in the general population would also wear fake beards or not wear any beards at all.  Our numbers became dangerously low.  So I think I'm gonna go with fact 2.  But, then again, I'm just a beard.

Oh my God, my beard talks.  That's weird.  Or maybe it's not my beard that's talking, maybe there's a mouth underneath my hair in here.  That's even more weird.  Well, I hope the advice helped. [clears throat]
Which one?

Oh boy, I hope they take my advice, cause I think I'm right, but maybe not.

Okay, my beard keeps talking; shut up, beard.

[burp] Sorry.

Now my beard is burping.  I hope this stops.