Hey, Hank, it's John. How's it going? Oh, me? No, I'm doing all right, I'm just you know, chillin' with my peeps.

[Intro]

GOD, this sweatshirt is tight. It's not even a sweatshirt, it's a freaking corset. I got it at a gas station in Kentucky and they only had mediums and, as we learned from the haiku shirt, I am not a medium. Oh, that's better. I can't tell you how good it feels to be swimming again in the ocean of large.

Hank, in the last few weeks, I've actually become the owner of quite a lot of Peeps-related merchandise. For instance, there's this puzzle. It's a great puzzle but if I might suggest one potential improvement to the Peeps corporation. How about instead of making the pieces out of cardboard, you make them out of Peeps?

Also, several weeks ago when I was in South Carolina, a Nerdfighter gave me these actual Peeps. Now, some people say that you shouldn't eat peeps after Easter because they might go bad. But Hank, we're not talking about milk. We're talking about Peeps. The expiration date on those Peeps that Nerdfighter gave me several weeks ago? November. Of 2009.

And now, Hank, although I know that Peeps rot your already sensitive gut, I am challenging you to a Peeps eating contest, with the winner to get... some kind of magnificent prize! Nerdfighters, please suggest what the winner and/or loser should get in comments.

Hank, there are only two rules: Three minutes of Peeps eating time; no cheating.

Also, since watching people eat Peeps for three minutes is really boring, I'm gonna intercut it with pictures of nerdfighter awesomeness taken from the Ning.

Okay. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I am the greatest Peeps eater of all time.

....

And time!

Oh my God, I feel awful. About thirty seconds in, I REALLY almost had a reversal of fortune, but I held it down.

I ate twelve Peeps. I ate four out of each of these in three minutes, meaning that I am actually half a Peep less good at eating peeps than I was a year ago.

Oh, Jesus. Why did I do that? I thought it was going to be so funny, but it just hurt.

I'm going to go lie down and try to let the Peeps sugar course through my blood stream until things return to normal.

Remember to tell us in comments what should happen to the winner and the loser.