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In which Hank talks an awful lot about Mars..and then goes kinda crazy...


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
John I don’t know if you know this but apparently GOOGLE IS GOING TO MARS AND I AM GOING WITH THEM!

They’re asking me to make a video on why I should be one of the first hundred people to colonize Mars and so I'm doing that now. I’m in prime physical condition. I’ve read Kim Stanley Robinson’s Mars Trilogy like seven hundred times.

As such I know all about Mars’s post capitalist future and I’m willing to support that endeavor with my very life. As a purveyor and expert in green technology I’ll totally be able to make sure that we don’t screw up Mars the way we screwed up Earth. Also for the same reason, I know all about geoengineering which when you do it on Mars is called terraforming, and because of my video blog project, I’m very used to communicating with my family in a nonconversative fashion which is important when you live forty light minutes away from everything you’ve ever known.

I just wrote a song about Google taking me to Mars. (sings and plays guitar) Please Google take me to Mars. I want to go to Mars… The first thing that I ever wrote that was published in actual print was called “Let’s Go to Mars”. It was published in Space Times magazine; the magazine of the American Astronomical Society.

Let me give you a little excerpt, Google, so that you know how dedicated I am. "Isn’t it obvious that Mars is calling to our world? It’s a little bit too coincidental for me. Almost like there is someone or something out there giving us signals to GO TO MARS!

We need to listen." Hank, is it true that you’re a founding member of the Mars Society? Thank you for asking, YES I AM! When people get on my nerves, I’m very good at diffusing the situation.

For example, recently when my brother challenged me to a peep-eating contest without, first, consulting me on whether or not I would like to have a peep-eating contest, and second, apparently forgetting that we agreed last year TO NEVER HAVE A PEEP EATING CONTEST AGAIN, I didn’t get angry at my brother. I didn’t tell my brother off. I did not start a fight.

I was able to diffuse the situation by sticking safety pins into the head of a Peep version of my brother. I’m trained in Biochemistry, Computer Science, and creative nonfiction writing. All three of those things are going to be extremely important in the success of the Mars colony.

I’ve got a stomach like a rock. I could eat anything. I could eat this Peep version of my brother that’s been sitting on my desk for like six months.

I could eat that and my stomach wouldn’t complain. (Bites head off peep) OK. I’m definitely not going to eat this. Sorry I bit your head off, John.

This is no longer Peep. I can’t even squeeze it. I think that’s actually where I end up not being able to go to Mars is because I have digestive problems and they-they can’t handle that.

So. Gaahhh. (tears off part of the head and laughs) (In a funny voice) Oh my head came off and then the top of my head came off of my head. (Imitating John) Good morning Hank. It’s Tuesday, December 9th.

I DON’T HAVE A HEAD! I don’t have a body! (In a British voice) Oh we’re perfect for each other. If only we could find some way to get together. (Normal Hank voice) Why don’t you use that rod that’s sticking out of the base of your neck?

Well that’s a fantastic idea! (In a British voice) This isn’t actually very much better. Why am I British? (Normal Hank voice) Welcome to the degeneration of my mind. To be honest they stop selling peeps everywhere in the world.

As soon as Easter is over there are no more. They ship them back to the peep farm to be happy, jumpy peeps uneaten by human mouths. So I’m sorry about that but I can’t-I can’t do it because there are no more peeps.

And I can’t eat this because it would break my teeth. So I don’t know maybe I lose. Maybe I lose.

I lose. Fine. I LOSE.

I LOSE TO YOU IN A PEEP EATING CONTEST! I really didn’t want to do it anyway. Check out the forum at for more information on the Blurbing Book Club.

Going Postal blurbs will be able to go up now. I’m sorry I’m still working on Slaughterhouse Five, I’ve been really slow but that’s going up too. John I think we should make videos more often.

If people are interested in us making videos more often, you can leave a comment in the comments. You can just say “I would like you to make more videos more often” Based on the reaction that we get, we’ll figure out whether or not we want to make more videos more often. So it’s really up to you guys commenting at YouTube or at

Just let us know. We-we like to feel appreciated and comments are one of the ways that we feel appreciated. John, I will see you later.