As you may know, I, Lindsey Doe, love analogies, especially those that I can use to teach about sexuality. There are some out there, though, that make a real mess of understanding sex.

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Here's an example from idontevenspeakenglish on Tumblr. We played this game in abstinence class where the teacher took out tape and wrapped it around one's wrist, removed it, then wrapped it around another wrist, and so on and so on and so on and held it up to show you were dirty for not waiting until el uno. El uno, the one. 

Teacher, if I put the tape on el uno again and again and again, won't it produce the same "dirty" result? Nothing quite like arm hair and dead skin cells to communicate that "sex is dirty, save it for the one you love".

virtualephermera was given paper hearts to represent virginity. She says, "We were to present them to our spouses on our wedding night". Boys collected them all day and ended up with stacks of them. *awkward laughter* Whoops, I don't think that's what your teachers wanted.

Maybe they should have gone with a cake analogy instead. According to imtyl's teacher, "You can only give so many slices". Or you could make more cake. And, "nobody wants cake with a bite taken out". I do!

"Get it right the first time because sex is like cake and sharing is wrong." Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Sharing it wrong? Share cake, but not if it represents your body. Don't share your body. I mean, share it with one person, but not more than one. Got it?

In lizdoeslife's experience, they passed around Oreos and were told to crush them. Goodbye vir-gin-i-ty. They were told to be a brand new box because no one would want to marry those broken cookies. I am SO weirded out by these comparisons! What the heck is being broken? Sex can certainly happen without breaking anyone, just like the cookies could have been passed around the classroom without breaking them. Teacher, they broke the cookies because you told them to break the cookies. Furthermore, my sexuality isn't a box of Oreos to be broken, stored, passed around, or packaged. It's more like combining ingredients to make cookies by myself, or with others so long as everyone baking washes their hands first.

fordeliriumwasoncedelight shared that her 'sex educator' made a guy chew gum and had him spit it out, asked another guy if he wanted to chew it after that, and compared the experience to having sex with more than one person in a lifetime. Noticing a trend here? Give the paper hearts to the guys, no one wants a cake with a bite taken out of it, no one is going to want to marry the cookie, he doesn't want to chew the gum that the other guy already chewed. There are 2 problems here; 1, non-consensual objectification. If I am gum, then he should be gum too. Having sex with me isn't chewing gum unless everyone involved is gum. 2, heterocentricity. What if I don't want to give the paper heart to a guy? What if I don't like cake? What if I like more than one person? What if I'm not interested in marriage, or permitted to get married? All of the analogies used by "sex educators" fail to educate about the diversity of sexuality. 

Protego gives the following example of bisexuality analogy fail. "When I asked where bisexuality fit into the cute little boxes on the board I was told that 'some days you feel like chocolate, and some days you feel like vanilla'." No, no, that's not everyone's bisexuality. Bisexuality and pansexuality is feeling like chocolate AND vanilla. You may choose one or both or all or neither, but you're not one flavor favorite one day and another flavor favorite the next. In my friend Rachelle's words, it really isn't about flavor at all. It's about feeling like ice cream regardless of flavor, not because of it.

Now this one had me for a moment. soshimariko said that the teacher used a hand to represent a person. She put a condom on one finger and explained how condoms only protect us in one way. Abstinence is a latex glove; it protects the whole hand. *pointing to different fingers* This is your mental self, your spiritual self, financial, and emotional. This one is your physical self that's being protected literally and metaphorically by a glove. Yay for talking about STI prevention. Except that sex isn't this dangerous threat to your well being and all of it's facets -- life is. Here's a better analogy. You're still the hand, the glove is self care. Self care can be choosing abstinence, self care can also be choosing sex. How do you know? Stay curious.

If you want better sex education analogies, please stay connected to Sexplanations. We have Subbable for you to subscribe to, subscribe to the channel, like us, Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and I will be at the University of Calgary to say hello to some of you who want LIVE Sexplanations.