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In which John gives you a tour of the fancy Turtles All the Way Down tour bus he and Hank are calling home this month, and also destroys fond memories in a most unfortunate way.

You can keep track of the signed plastic turtles we're leaving at every stop of this epic road trip by following me on instagram at johngreenwritesbooks. Also, if you live in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, there should be PLENTY OF SIGNED BOOKS in your town now!

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Preorder John's new book, Turtles All the Way Down, out October 10th 2017! You can find links to both the signed and unsigned editions here: and information on how to (probably) get a signed copy here:
Good morning Hank, it's Tuesday. Greetings from beautiful, and somewhat windy, Chamberlain, South Dakota.

So, Hank, earlier today, I signed what I believed to be every copy of Turtles All the Way Down currently available for sale or borrowing in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and I met a lot of wonderful librarians and booksellers and confused Target shoppers. And I also filmed the whole thing, and it would have made a great video, but then I destroyed my memory card.

What happened, and I desperately wish I were making this up, is that I was eating pretzel chips by the handful, because of course I was, while fiddling with my memory card. And, um, somehow my hands got confused about what was what. I mean, to be fair, a memory card and a pretzel chip have almost the exact same thickness and overall weight. 

But really, that's not a great excuse. So, yeah, what happened is that I put the, uh, memory card into my mouth and then I chewed it. The weird part, well actually I guess it's all weird parts, but the weirdest part is that when I bit down on the memory card, my first thought was, 'Huh. That pretzel chip is very crunchy!' And so my natural reaction was attempt to chew it again. 

Now it does not appear to be damaged. There's a couple very small tooth marks, but it's toast. I'm gonna let this frustration go in a minute, but just as an parting remark, I would like to note that it says right here on the memory card that it is in an 'extreme pro' memory card. And look obviously, I shouldn't have chewed on my memory card, but I would argue that any non-food item that can be destroyed by human chewing, should not describe itself as 'extreme pro'.

All right, let's go on the Tour Bus Bus Tour. Hey, that's a palindrome. Nope! Nope, it's definitely not.

So, the first thing you see when you come inside is the driver's seat. That's where Brock lives. Once you walk onto the bus, you come to the first seating area, which I like to think of as the office. It's sort of a quiet part of the bus where everybody is always on their computer, answering e-mails, et cetera. But the great thing about the office is that it's also sort of the dining room, due to its proximity to the kitchen. By the way, there are the offending pretzel chips. We really have everything you need in a kitchen: A microwave, a sink and a banana holder.

Past that, you get to the bathroom. We have a very nicely acquainted, if somewhat small, bathroom. But there's one very important rule about the bus bathroom, which is 'No Pooping in the Bus Bathroom'. Not because of, like, moral concerns but y-you can't th-their tubes are too small. Then you come to our refrigerator, which is mostly diet soda, La Croix, there's some beer, there's some baby carrots down there that nobody has ever eaten. 

And then past the bathroom, we have the bedrooms. Eight beautiful bunks. Here's mine. I'm sorry I didn't make my bed for you, but here are two cute puppies that I got at Target headquarters. Hank's bunk is directly beneath mine. He didn't make his bed either. 

And then past the bedroom is the second seating area, which I like to think of as like the rec room, because it contains my Nintendo Switch. So this is kind of the hangout area, because the engine is right back there, it's a little bit louder and there's more side-to-side motion, and when we first started on tour, everyone was really nauseated and nobody wanted to sit back there, but now we got our bus legs. 

And a great thing about the bus is that there's so much storage, like, you know, that bag, which contains 850 plastic turtles. In fact, there's plastic turtles everywhere. We have plastic turtles in the shoe closet. And we got a cute little turtle moose in the sharpie drawer. Yes, we have a sharpie drawer. We even got some Holden Turtle-fields in the microwave! See, he's wearing his people-hunting hat. We even got turtles with top hats in our popcorn and applesauce drawer. 

It really is kind of a turtles all the way down situation. Okay, Hank, I'm gonna go hide some signed plastic turtles here in Chamberlain, South Dakota. We're leaving them everywhere we stop. You can find hints to their location in my Instagram story. 

And thanks again to everyone in Sioux Falls, who was so incredibly nice to me. Sorry that I chewed on all of our memories. 

Hank, I will see you on Friday. Actually, I'll see you on, like, Thursday, but you know what I mean.