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Duration:14:49
Uploaded:2011-11-16
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In which Hank talks over the same cutscene TWICE! And also walks around in a pre-boot ofther Animus and meets Subject 16, who may well be his guide throughout this game!
Hello and welcome to Hank Green Plays Assassin's Creed Revelations. Last time, our hero Italian Assassin Ezio Auditore, inhabited by ex-bartender and more or less empty shell Desmond Miles, who was in turn inhabited by the player, in this case me, liberated Rome from the influence of Cesare Borgia, and his sister Lucrezia, with the help of Leonardo da Vinci, and Niccolò Machiavelli.

And in the process of liberating Rome Ezio also tracked down a religious artifact that was known as the Apple, which is one of a series of artifacts known as the pieces of Eden, which were probably created by a probably alien civilization, who quote "came before humans". These ones who "came before" and apparently also created the human race (which is BS of course, because we were obviously created through natural selection like every other species on Earth, but hey we people are obsessed with our creation myths and this one is weird enough for me to not really care about).

Then flash forward to real time Desmond Miles is still tracking down the Apple, and Desmond and I had to perform some outrageous free-running in order to get the Apple from space alien named Juno, who was nonsensically babbling about something. And then I finally got the Apple, Juno took control of my body and made me stab my girlfriend Katie Bell, a plot which for which I will never forgive the developers of this game.

Then I went into a coma or something and the game ended and I was like WTF I have to wait until next November to figure what happens next, and now it is next November. And I'm going to have to fuh - going to get to find out what happens next.

And I'm watching this cut-scene right now at the moment, and we've got, so this is Ezio now? He looks older. Also, any Ezio I know would win in that situation ten times out of ten. Uhm so I don't know what is going on, but this is the trailer that we all saw before the game came out. And I'm sure Toby Turner did an amazing literal version I think I remember it. Uhm I'm afraid I don't have it memorized or anything, but I do know that something amazing is going to happen at the end of it.

And he's definitely not going to get hung, because I'm Ezio Auditore and I'm way too awesome for that. Also there's an eagle - punch it! Punch the eagle. Oh Ezio you're so hot. He just gets hotter as time goes on. Cinch it up, cinch it up. Yeah. Oh yeah, all right, let's play this game, let's play it. Log into? I don't care, no thanks. I don't have one, I don't want one, no I don't want one. None of those things. I don't want any of those. Start, no no, I don't want any of those things, I don't want, oh my friggin' controller's out of batteries! Ugh, disaster, disaster!

I have another one. Uhm, so I don't want any of these, I don't want a Uplay passport, I don't want to buy anything. Cancel. Yeah that's what I wanted. Excellent. Wow, that was annoying. OK story mode that's what we want. Sure, session one. Oh, DFTBA sounds good.

Rebecca Crane: We can keep him like this for a few days, maybe a week.

Hank: That's Paige Railstone talking. And we have douchebag.

Voiceover: Desmond Miles.

Hank: Dickhead, sorry his name's Dickhead.

Voiceover: Your life has changed so much in so little time.

Hank: Oh we're gonna explain what I just explained to you.

Voiceover: Two months ago you were pouring shots for bankers and celebrities. But now look at you. You're an Assassin. One of us.

Hank: Yeah!

Voiceover: One of the good guys.

Hank: I don't know whose voice this is.

Voiceover: Isn't that nice? Men and women dedicated to protecting and preserving human life and liberty.

Hank: Need to turn it up. Not loud enough for me.

Voiceover: Not like those Templars. Cold and calculating autocrats, drunk on power, obsessed with order, all that.

Hank: Wow this is some not very good writing.

Voiceover: We're doing our best to stop them. But you remember all this, right?

Hank: I do.

Voiceover: You remember the Animus, the machine we use to unravel genetic memories and relive the lives of our ancestors, right?

Hank: Whose voice is this?

Voiceover: First you were Altair, a stoic twelfth century Assassin from the Holy Land.

Hank: Wow, they even pronounce his name.

Voiceover: Then you were Ezio Auditore, a wealthy Italian with charisma and a talent for revenge.

Hank: That's better. Yeah.

Voiceover: So, what do you three have in common? That's right. The Apple of Eden. That strange artifact left behind by...

Hank: Wow, this is bad.

Voiceover: ...those people. The ones who came before.

Hank: Yeah I was just telling you about these guys.

Voiceover: You know the Apple's power, you felt it for yourself.

Hank: I've used the Apple. Why did I kill Katie Bell?

Voiceover: Oh it's been fun, hasn't it Desmond?

Hank: No I didn't like that part.

Voiceover: But that's about to change. Your mind is fragmenting, falling to pieces. And if you don't find a way to wake up, you may lose yourself. Forever.

Hank: All right so I'm fighting to wake up now?

Rebecca Crane: Okay, I shut down the Animus Monitoring System to free up a lot of memory. But even like this, it's still risky.

Hank: 2.03 that doesn't sound good enough for me.

William Miles: Desmond will be fine. The partition worked, the Animus is stable, and his signs are good.

Rebecca: For now. But this was built to recreate memories, not simulate entire cognitive processes.

William: The Animus will do its part. And Desmond will do the rest.

Hank: I don't want my consciousness to be in safe mode. That just doesn't seem safe. Despite the fact that that is what the mode is named.

Ah, I've seen the Matrix before. Oh! It's an infinite grid. It's an infinite grid! That's excellent news! I can go everywhere in every direction.

Desmond: What's happening? I can't move. No!

Hank: Ooh, what did you create for me? Some kind of surreal landscape with monoliths suspended in mid air. And I'm on a beach, and apparently my facial hair has grown inside my consciousness. I forgot what they call that in the Matrix. The mirror reconstructed states.

I don't know. But you look way more badass with facial hair, just like me Desmond. Just like me. Everyone will tell you, and they will vote for you to not shave it off. All right everyone vote on whether or not Desmond should shave.

Man: Just walk right past me.

Hank: I don't know who you are.

Man: Nah, they didn't tell you my name.

Desmond: Oh God damn it. I'm still in the Animus?

Man: Quite a shock you've suffered out there

Hank: Why else would there be things floating in the air?

Desmond: Rebecca, get me out of here.

Hank: Paige Railstone?

Man: They can't help you, Desmond. You're a broken man.

Hank: What about Lucy? Is she OK?

Man: You're mind, it's... broken.

Desmond: Broken? I feel fine.

Man: So did I.

Hank: Oh is that number sixteen?

Sixteen: Look at me now! Let's talk buddy

Hank: It's number sixteen! Subject sixteen. Not nearly as cool as I thought he would be. For people who don't know who subject sixteen is, he is a guy who was like Desmond before Desmond, but then he died.

Sixteen: I'm Clay. Clay Kaczmarek. Let's talk buddy. It's nice, isn't it? We're in the guts of the Animus, the original test program. No memories here, just basic physics, weather simulations.

Hank: Well the basic physics isn't working because there are big stones in the air.

Sixteen/Clay: You're lucky someone up there had the sense to plug you in here. Saved your life.

Desmond: Saved it from what?

Sixteen/Clay: Right now, you should be sitting in a hospital ward, drooling and chewing on your tongue. For now the Animus is keeping you intact

Hank: But my tongue is so delicious!

Sixteen/Clay: keeping all your ancestors from collapsing into one big mess. But if you can't find a synch nexus, all those personalities

Hank: I wanna chew it.

Sixteen/Clay: will smash together, and that won't be pretty

Desmond: A synch nexus?

Sixteen/Clay: I'm getting there, hold on.

Hank: AH, start acting people.

Sixteen/Clay: That thing is your way out.

Hank: All right I'll go through it

Desmond: Are you screwing with me?

Sixteen/Clay: Here's the problem, your brain is hash – too many ghosts in your head, too many voices, so how do you fix that? You claw your way back into the stored data, you find unfinished memories and you crack them open.

Hank: OK.

Sixteen/Clay: Finish what you started – until your ancestor 

Hank: Do I get a sword?

Sixteen/Clay: has nothing left to show you. That is a synch nexus. And when you find it, the Animus can separate Desmond from Ezio and Altair and send you home

Hank: I need to turn on subtitles, because I can't even hear what this guy is saying.

Sixteen/Clay: back to your body

Desmond: How do you know all this?

Sixteen/Clay: Because it happened to me. But my body, it's worm food now. So I'm stuck here.

Hank: Wow. You get to live forever though.

Sixteen/Clay: A word of warning. When you step through there, everything changes. Nothing feels... normal.

Hank: What's been normal in the last year Desmond?

Sixteen/Clay: But you are still in control and it's up to you to find your way out.

Desmond: Right.

Sixteen/Clay: If you hurry, you might make it back in time for Lucy's funeral.

Desmond: What?

Hank: Oh yeah, my brain's broken. Oh yeah, I remember now.

Sixteen/Clay: Oh, I thought you knew.

Desmond: Lucy.

Hank: Oh god I stabbed her with my sword thing.

Desmond: Oh god, I'm so sorry.

Hank: I need to have a talk with this Juno lady.

Desmond: It wasn't me, it wasn't me

Hank [sings Shaggy's It Wasn't Me]: Picture this, we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor

Desmond: it was that voice! Juno! She took hold of me, she made me...

Hank: I stabbed my girlfriend in the abdomen and I can't say what for.

Desmond: What am I doing? What have I done?

All right, let's do it Desmond. Whatever it is. Oh so the dramatic music. Oh feeling so many feelings right now Desmond. Let's go. I'm not even going to look around. I'm sure there's some, maybe a feather I can find.

Ooh, we're having a title sequence now. Why not? Game by...not Ubisoft? Ubisoft OK. And another...well I'm fine with there being preview, oh my goodness Bucharest as well, they got everybody involved in this one. Also Massive, which I don't think is a place. I don't know maybe, all the rest of these places seem to be places. What is Massive, I want to move there. OK I get it, it was developed everywhere.

Ezio: Claudia, my dearest sister.

Hank: OK

Ezio: I have been in Acre a week now, safe

Hank: Ark-ray? I thought it was pronounced Arker?

Ezio: and in high spirits, but prepared for the worst.

Hank: But I guess he's Italian.

Ezio: The men and women who have fed and sheltered me here also give me warning that the road to Masyaf is overrun by mercenaries and bandits not native to this land. What this could mean, I dread to guess.

Hank: Well their indigenous-ness is not interesting to me, I don't care.

Ezio: When I first set out from Roma ten months ago, I did so with a single purpose. To discover what our father did not. In a letter written the year before my birth

Hank: OK

Ezio: he makes mention of a library hidden beneath the stones

Hank: Ooh a library.

Ezio: of Masyaf castle. A sanctum full of invaluable wisdom.

Hank: I like libraries. Yeah I love invaluable wisdom. Ow ow ow!

Ezio: what will I find when I arrive there? Who will greet me?

Hank: this is why I have awesome armor.

Ezio: A host of eager Templars, as I fear most strongly?

Hank: Why did they only shoot him once?

Ezio: Or nothing but the whistling of a cold and lonely wind? Masyaf has not been home to the Assassins for almost three hundred years now.

Hank: Oh. Oh!

Ezio: Can we still claim it for our own? Are we welcome there? I am weary of this fight, Claudia. Not because I am tired, but because our struggle seems to move in one direction only. Towards chaos. Today I have more questions than answers.

Hank: This is good. This is well-written.

Ezio: This is why I have come so far. To find clarity. To find the wisdom left behind by the great Altaïr

Hank: Oh, the great Altaïr!

Ezio: so that I may better understand the purpose of our fight. And my place in it.

Hank: My toes are numb, I can't say why. Probably because of how awesome this is.

Ezio: Should anything happen to me Claudia,

Hank: We're finally gonna find out what's gonna happen!

Ezio: should my skills fail me, or my ambition lead me astray, do not seek retribution or revenge in my memory, but fight to continue the search for truth,

Hank: Yeah, unlike what I did.

Ezio: so that all may benefit. My story is one of many thousands, and the world will not suffer if it ends too soon.

Hank: All right yo. Let's see what happeh-you might have wanted to have like, I dunno, done whatever you're gonna do before he put the noose around your neck. Oh but he wanted the noose. Oh, awesomely done Ezio. You're totally gonna kill that guy. Did you kill 'em did he die? What you're so cool. I'm so cool. I'm so cool! Ah that was so cool. Anybody else see how cool that was? I think he totally killed that guy. I think he totally did. He wrapped the noose around his head and then he jumped off and then he like totally snapped his neck.

Oh I can control him! I'm playing Assassin's Creed Revelations! And it's now probably time to end this episode of Hank Green Plays Assassin's Creed Revelations! Now that I can play Assassin's Creed Revelations. So uhm, what did I just do? 1 2 3 resume so that I can actually sync this up with the audio. I had to do that. I hadn't done it yet. All right, oh OK. Well, next time you will see me actually play this game, and it will be totally awesome, but you will not see me and I will not see you, but you will hear me. Good-bye.