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In which John ranks Disney World rides. The Wimbly Womblys play Port Vale.

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Twitter: @AFCWimblyWombly


Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green, I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, and today it is raining in England in a stunning turn of events, but because it is cold - in fact, it is January, the transfer window - it's coming down as snow.

We're taking on Port Vale - a made up place if ever there were one - and today I'm going to talk about uh, Disney rides - Walt Disney World. I grew up in Orlando Florida and my Mom had free passes to Disney 'cause she won a big community service award when I was a child so I've been to Disney World like two or three hundred times.

I hate it. Um, I hate it, I hate it with a white hot passion. I know that's going to alienate me from 99% of Nerdfighters but when you go to Disney World as often as I did, it's just not that fun any more.

Meredith, you notice how you can, you know, it's easy to say that you can see the sponsors on the shirts, but I find it interesting that you can also see the sponsors on the shorts. Like look at- Port Vale has a short sponsor. You can see their little uh... Yeah, that's nice.

Anyway today I- as you can see, we're in third place - not in the automatic- to be automatically promoted to the championship, we'd have to finish in the top two. Uh, we're currently in third - that would put us in the playoffs where we would have to win, um, basically we'd have to win the semi-finals and then the finals to go to the championship. Whatever, it's gonna be fine. Just, y'know we've had a good season but it hasn't been a great season. I'm feeling good about where we are though.

We got Seb Brown in goal. He saved two penalties against Luton Town to send us into the football league. Then he saved two penalties against Manchester City to win us the FA Cup, so. 
Got John Green and John Green, teammates in life and in love up front as you can see - they're married to each other but they're also married to AFC Wimbledon. We got Ya Bamba out on the left - he likes to score some goals and I like to sing his name.

So Meredith's gonna tell me the rides at Disney World and I'm gonna review each of them. Now there are some rides I'm sure that I haven't been on because I have not been to Disney World since I was no longer forced to go in the late 90s, and I'm sure that I will have to go again with my child but I will be very resentful about it, rest assured.

 Country Bear Jamboree ride

(1:57) Alright Meredith, whats my first ride. Country bear jamboree? Overrated. For me it's just okay, it's not- certainly not the worst. I enjoy a good country bear don't get me wrong-

Oh! We've got a chance. Ugh! Oh, it's a difficult moment. Oh, it's another corner kick for the Wimbly Womblys. K Sainte Luce, the patron saint of lost crosses with a nice cross! Oh, but it's too far for Other John Green - he's not as tall as his husband.

Um... Yeah, I mean, for me the Country Bear Jamboree is like, pretty fun. Doesn't it have some animatronics? I enjoy Disney animatronics. I um- particularly- but only- mostly in the Hall of Presidents, I have to say. The Hall of Presidents, of course, being by far the best ride at Disney.

 Dumbo ride

(2:38) Um... What is our- what is my next- what is my next- what is my next ride? Dumbo? So um... When Henry went to Disney Land in Anaheim after one of the VidCons, he really enjoyed Dumbo. And then I had to explain to him that it was a lame ride. Um, because all you can do- the only thing you control is whether you go up or whether you go down.

Oh, oh, ohhh! What? How did that not go in the net?! I don't- I literally don't understand what happened! Did I slip on some snow? What an amazing pass - I think that was from Francombstein. And then- I don't- I still don't know quite what happened, but I guess their keeper made a save.

K Sainte Luce, the patron saint of lost crosses with a ball into the box - oh, it's beautiful! But it doesn't happen for us. That's not a good shot. That's just- that was poor. Um, yeah, I mean for me, Dumbo- I mean, it's in my top half of rides, for sure. For sure. But not the best one. That's the Hall of Presidents, by far.

 Haunted mansion

(3:37) What's my next one? Haunted mansion. Also in the top half. Um, I enjoyed going to the haunted mansion uh, partly because once you've been on the haunted mansion a few times, you know the quote unquote "scary parts" and if you're- if you're- well, first off when you're in that room with a bunch of strangers, um... You can kind of watch them get like, fake scared or real scared, if they're- you know, if they're really new to it... And that's kind of fun! And then- oh, get there John Green! You're better than that! Oh, beautiful sliding tackle. Um...

And then when you're on the little uh... You know, that- the little- the ride part where you're seated and you go through and they say your name? I always like to give fake names like Elvis. I like to give the name Elvis so they'd be like (in a creepy voice) Elvis! And you'd be like, oh, it's so scary! Golly! Um... Yeah, I don't know. Hall of Presidents, that's the best one.

Oh! Is their ke- their keeper- I mean, we should get him in the January transfer window. Well, I- if I wasn't so happy with Seb Brown and his far better back up, Glédson. Alright.

 It's a small world after all

(4:40) What's my next- what's the next ride after haunted mansion? It's a small world after all? Worst. Worst, worst, worst. Worst! Worst! Worst than anything!

Oh, how did you- it's like we can't shoot when it's cold, Meredith! It's like we get cold when the air gets cold. It's very disappointing. We've had- we've absolutely dominated Port Vale - which makes sense, since it's fictional and we're real - um, but uh, so far- so far no breakthrough. Um... Yeah, I mean absolute wor- what?! Golly!

Absolute worst- it's a- (sings) it's a small world after all! (talks) I mean, I think it's designed to make people mad. And I don't mean angry, I mean- I mean insane. I think it's designed- I think it's like a form of- it's essentially like a form of torture - you're stuck on a boat, you're told that if you get off, it's going to be very dangerous (which I think is a lie - the water's like two feet deep).

Um and um, it's pure terror. I mean, it's just pure, unadulterated- people say like "oh, space mountain is scary" - space mountain isn't scary because it doesn't make you look deep into your soul and see the blackness that is deep down inside of you.

What's scary- off the post! Come on! What's scary- what's really scary, is uh.. Is looking into the void that it's a small world after all makes you- I hit the post again. This is getting ridiculous. -That it's a small world after all makes you look at. Um.

There's ya Bamba. Ya Bamba's gonna make it all better. He always does. He always does! Ya Bamba! To Bald John Green. Bald John Green with a beautiful goal! Oh, oh, oh! He's so hot. Look at him - he's running to me! He's running to me. He's running to me. He's running to his manager. Ohhh! And he gives him the heel-click!

There- oh. Bald John Green- his head just disappeared. I am concerned. His head disappeared. I repeat, Bald John Green briefly without a head and a torso. Ya Bamba- I was like, "ya Bamba's gonna make it all better" and then ya Bamba made it all better! Beautiful cross into the box. Bald John Green with the finish. Um, and suddenly I'm free from the pure, unadulterated terror that is it's a small world after all.

 The mad tea party

(6:43) Okay, what's my next- what's my next- what's the next ride? The mad tea party? I mean, uh... Let me- I recently made a new Wimbly Womblys video - it's a classic! - called "times I've vomited" and I forgot to mention the mad tea party, which was another time that I vomited. Because it spins, which is vomit-inducing, but it like, spins on two axes.

There's the spinning um... I don't know how to say- I don't know how to describe it because I'm really bad at math and science and stuff, but there's this spinning of the actual teacup, but then the teacup itself is on a larger circle that also spins. It's functionally impossible for anyone not to vomit on that ride!

Um... (clears throat) And I don't quite understand like, what the pleasure is. There's no- there's really no meaningful relationship to actual Alice in Wonderland. Like, it's essentially a- you know, like, "do you want to vomit? If so, get on this ride" ride. Yeah, I don't know what's- I don't know what's supposed to be so fun about it. Um, yeah, so... No. No, I don't like the mad tea party.

 Mr Toad's wild ride

(7:47) What's the next one? What? They got rid of Mr Toad's wild ride? They got rid of Mr Toad's wild ride? And now it's Winnie-the-pooh?! They got rid of Mr Toad's wild ride? The one redeeming facet of Disney World, other than the hall of presidents? If they got rid of the hall of presidents, I'm out. I'm- I like- I don't even wanna finish this game. I wanna just resign and lose three-one.

They got rid of Mr Toad's wild ride? Well, why- why even bother being alive?! Why go on?! The cool thing about Mr Toad's wild ride was that if you got on the left side of the line, you got a slightly different ride than if you got on the right side of the line. Um, and so if you'd been to Disney World like four hundred times, like I have, there was at least the hope - that was really an interesting idea, from K Sainte Luce, the patron saint of lost crosses, but we have to say that was a lost cross - um, yeah, I mean...

So yeah, if you'd been to Disney World four hundred times, like, there was at least the "oh, I don't remember if, you know, the slightly more fun one is on the left or the right" kind of experience, um, and then you'd be like "oh right, yeah, it was on the right and I went on the left. Great."

Um, but Mr Toad's wild ride was like, almost- almost legitimately fun! Um... And then they got rid of it for a Winnie-the-pooh ride? I mean, I'm gonna say that it's probably still the best ride at Disney World, because I'm sure they didn't like, rebuild it entirely. They just probably replaced Frog and Toad with like, Pooh and Piglet. Um...

 Peter Pan

(9:15) Alright, what's next? Peter Pan? I mean... Pretty fun, actually! It's cool to like, pretend to be in Neverland. That's a place I like! That's a place that I find interesting. So I'm gonna say... I'm gonna say that's actual - oh, you gotta make that run, Gaulden child! Don't worry, ya Bamba was there to back you up, of course. Of course he is! Of course he is!

(sings) ya ya ya ya- (talks) ohhh! I am also frustrated, ya Bamba. I was ready to sing your name! Oh yeah, that was a weird- it wasn't far off though. Had some weird curve to it. Nothing the keeper could have done about it. Ya Bamba- ya Bamba has a really strong shot. He's only a 56 skill level, but he's got a strong shot, and he's got pace, so what else do you want from a attacking uh, attacking midfielder?

Um... What were we talking about? Peter Pan. Yeah, I mean, I always dug like, getting to pretend to be in Neverland. Like, that- that um, the means of conveyance is actually a little bit better than it is at most Disney World rides, 'cause you get to pretend to be flying, and there is actually like, that flying uh, you know, bed or ship or whatever it is. Um, whereas in most of those, like Snow White, I'm just like, wait, why am I on this particular means of conveyance? Like, you're completely ruining the fantasy for me, because like, why would I be on a uh, if I were in Snow White's world, why would I be on this, you know, why would be inside of this like, cup, that's taking me around, and I can't control where I go?! That doesn't make any sense.

But with Peter Pan, you have the illusion of flying, which is very pleasant. Um, yeah, I'm gonna give Peter Pan a solid four out of ten. Um, which is gonna put it in the, you know, top 10% of Disney rides for me.

 Pirates of the Caribbean

(10:56) What's next? Pirates of the Caribbean? Best- best Disney ride other than hall of presidents. Now I'm starting to think maybe I like Disney?! Um... I think I might have actually enjoyed it as a child, at least at the beginning.

I once uh, I once- I once chewed tobacco on pirates of the Caribbean, not to brag! Um... Not to brag, I don't like to brag, but um... Yeah, when my mom would make me go to Disney World in high school because we had all these- we had free tickets - again, this is like very first world problems, like "oh, my mom was such a successful community activist that they gave her free tickets to Disney, and waa-waa!" But um... You know. I was- I was- I was fifteen. You find a way to complain about your life. It's the nature of being fifteen.

Um... Yeah. I really liked pirates of the Caribbean. That part where you go down? It's so scary and fun, yeah! It's really fun and like, it's the right length of a, uh, of a flume ride. I don't want it to be any longer than that! Like, because then I get legitimately frightened um, so yeah, that was perfect.

Oh, what a great ball from Bald John Green to K Sainte Luce, finding the space! Bald John Green, he's not a brilliant player sometimes, but he has a brilliant idea of space! Ohhh. Gaulden child, Gaulden child, track it down! Track- I like- no! Gaulden child! That's just part of being seventeen, ladies and gentlemen, but look how he tracks back! Look how big and strong he is for a seventeen year old boy!

Oh man, that was- that was promising, but again like, Gaulden child - he's a long-term investment for the Wimbly Womblys. Like, we know that, you know- K Sainte Luce, really, who was that pass to? Was it to that little patch of snow?

 Space mountain

(12:26) What's my next ride? Space mountain? I mean, certainly of the roller coasters, the most fun. Um... Couple of comments about space mountain. One, the line is way too long, and like, the stuff that you look at in line is not nearly interesting enough, you know what I mean? Like, they're always like, "oh, yeah, you have to stay in line for forty-five minutes, but you get to see, you know, all of this fake space stuff!"

Ohhh, saved off the line - by the Gaulden child! I just criticized him but if it weren't for him, it would be a one-one draw in the ninetieth minute! The Gaulden child wins us the freaking game! That's as good as a goal! Oh, my goodness gracious!

That's a- that's a bad tackle, but luckily we got away with it. The Gaulden child, the Gaulden child, the Gaulden child! Ooooh, what a great tackle! Ohhh. I mean, he can- he can- all that kid does is run. He's like Forrest Gump, Meredith. He's the Forrest Gump of our team. He just goes and goes and goes.

Um... But yeah, I don't know. Space mountain's a pretty good rollercoaster. It's not a great rollercoaster, and if it wasn't at Disney World, everyone would be like "this is the worst rollercoaster at Six Flags."

Um... I guess it's like- it's cool because it's in the dark? But whatever. I think it's overrated. (sings) Overrated! (talks) Unlike the Wimbly Womblys, who had a great- I don't know why we're congratulating Seb Brown! We should all be surrounding the Gaulden child and thanking him for- for being five foot three but managing to clear a ball off the line.

Great game! Uh, it wasn't a beautiful victory, but... To win in the snow is a victory, and look at that. I love to see our opponents feel like they're- like they're less than human after playing us.

Ya Bamba with the assist for the one goal, and then he puts his- he puts his arm right- he puts his face right into Hells Pells' armpits, because he just wants- there's the Gaulden child! He really saved us in this game.

Oh, Callum Kennedy's hideous hair! Meredith still likes it. I can tell, she's just- it's the only time she watches the game, is when Callum Kennedy shows up. Thanks for watching! Best wishes.