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Craig: well you did the same thing hank

Hank: I started recording before I I said anything so now I have that you just saying that

Craig: that's good, please put that in people will be very confused

Hank: do you know how the videos start

Craig: how your videos start

Hank: yes

Craig: good morning John

Hank: good job

[craig's voice singing "vlogbrothers"]

Hank: what — how do your videos start

Craig: lately it's been different every time but I like 20 seconds in, there will be "WheezyWaiter" [singing]

Hank: why don't I have theme music

Craig: well you don't need it, i think you're doing fine without

Hank: we used to, back in the day we had the [singing] and then for a wile we had [singing] for like a little bit, and then it was like [singing for a long time]

Craig: that's kinda long

Hank: it was too long

Craig: how 'bout I'll make one for ya

[craig sings "vlogbrothers"]

Hank: the great thing is I'm going to put that in as the intro and then we're going to have that conversation

Craig: that sounds good I love it

Hank: so people have suggested things that we should do together and questions we should ask each other

Craig: okay

Hank: let's start with this question: "would you rather have a butt for a face or a face for a butt"

Craig: wait so if I have a face for a butt does that mean I have a butt for... I just would have two faces

Hank: two faces: butt face and face face

Craig: well obviously I was

Hank: yeah yeah yeah, two faces

Craig: yeah two faces! because I need to eat!

Hank: if you had a butt face you would eat through the butt and poop through through your other butt — I'm saying you would poop out the face

Craig: but the butt would wouldn't have any teeth... or would it? would the butt have teeth

Hank: nah I think it'd just be smoothies

Hank: no I mean the thing is no one ever sees your butt so no one has to to know

Craig: but you would have to sit on it

Hank: yeah but— the thing you don't know about me

Hank: part of my faustian bargain for YouTube fame

Hank: if you're gonna get famous on YouTube but you got to have a butt face

Craig: a face butt

Hank: let's do a suggestion for an activity

Craig: k

Hank: zero efficiency says, "hide"

[they hide]

Craig: it's really easy to hide it from a camera

[they both jump up and shout]

Craig: yeah why is there toilet paper on the floor over here

Hank: eh, yknow, poop

Hank: Jessica wants us to play one word story, do you know what that is?

Craig: yes we just we make a story with one word at a time

Hank: yeah

both, alternating: the big giant had money so he decided to make more dogs lackadaisically put monkeys in other cupboards so once he got to open boxes of chocolate inside the monkey he was satisfied

Hank: that's gonna take a lot of editing, it's gotta be worth it

Ante says "egale punch competition"

Hank: I think probably means Eagle

Craig: do you have an Eagle in here

Hank: oh there's all over the place

[movie magic, there are eagles]

Craig: oh there's one

Hank: they're coming at us now!

[they punch them]

Craig: wait what's the competition

Hank: gotta get a lot!

Hank: I don't know who won but I'll find out what I'm editing

Craig: okay

Hank: Joseph says high five using feet

Craig: do I have to take my shoes off

Hank: I don't think so , you can have gloves on and that's still a high five right

Craig: that's a good point

[they do]

Hank: Wow that last one was satisfying

Craig: ah we're 36-year-old men aren't we

Hank: are you also 36?

Craig: I am!

Hank: oh I didn't know you were a 1980 boy

Craig: yeah did you think I was older or younger

Hank: I thought you were around my age, I just didn't know you were a 1980 boy

Craig: 1980 boy

Craig: we both remember the days of network television Saturday morning cartoons

Hank: I do I had our big crush on a girl from Cities of Gold

Craig: I don't know what that is Cities of Gold

Hank: [singing] children of the Sun Sun soon you're gonna find that your destiny

Hank: it's a - it wasn't on for very long

Craig: do you remember gummy bears?

[both, singing] gummy bear bouncing here and there and everywhere

[just hank] high adventure that's beyond compare

Craig: I don't remember it as well

Hank: I always wanted to do a punk cover of that song

[both, singing] we are the gummy bears!

Hank: one person suggested we sing so we already did that

Craig: boom, done, sweet

Hank: sweetChuck says we should clone ourselves

Craig: we should clone ourselves... well that's more editing for you. well I mean... it's real I have a cloning machine. I didn't bring it with me, so you're gonna have to edit

Hank: oh you know what I've always wanted

Craig: what

Hank: I've always wanted to get punched by a wheezy clone

Craig: I'll go get a wheezy clone for you

Hank: okay

[craig walks out of the frame, then back]

:Craig": hello I'm a clone of wheezy waiter

Hank: you're making this edit really easy for me

"Craig": I don't know that you mean

"Craig": you ready to be punched?

Hank: I think I'm ready, my dreams are coming true

[punch sound effect]

Hank: it was good!

["craig" walks out of the frame, then back]

Craig: how was that? how was the punch

Hank: it was... all my dreams... came true

Craig: yeah, okay

Hank: Phoenix wants us to scream for four minutes which is a thing that I feel like doing anyway after this week

Craig: okay all right

Hank: three two one


[clip of continuous screaming is sped up and muted]

Hank: Michael wants us to kiss

[they do, kind of]

both: we did it!

Hank: Kate wants to know was there a moment during the the tour when we were on tour together any times when we were at each other's throats?

Hank: ...aside from just now we were actually making out

both: no, no

Hank: you're pretty mild mannered, I'm pretty mild mannered

Craig: we're all pretty mild

Hank: like anytime I think we were at each other's throats it was like just just like this, like we were close to each others throats because we were sleeping

Craig: yeah we also rode in separate vehicles

Hank: it's true, like it's only the intervehicle is when you spend the most time with other people

Craig: were you ever at anyone's throat in your vehicle

Hank: uhhh... ["sort of" hand motion], I like... there was definitely like this isn't going as planned, we are, like... everyone is like... let's just be quiet

Hank: I don't want to make a ruckus! [emphatically] I don't want to make a ruckus!

Hank: Lucy says, "make old man noises"

Hank: I think that this is the main old man noise: [makes a strained noise while getting up]

Craig: I do that

Craig: I don't know why you feel the need to tighten up when standing up, since like, I can talk normal while standing up or sitting down but sometimes I will [strained voice] actually go like this

Hank: like I gotta concentrate on not pooping right now

Hank: Soonie says pillow fight

[they do]

Hank: Michael Aranda suggests, a day in the life of Orrin green starring Hank green as dead and Craig benzine as baby

[they do that too]

Hank: so of all the eagles which is your favorite to punch

Craig: the uh... stock photo of the Eagle that I have on my computer

Hank: you don't know what kind of Eagle it is?

Craig: uh, no

Hank: I think it's a golden eagle

Hank: hey Craig thanks for joining me on this exceptionally weird episode of vlogbrothers in which I distract myself from the current state of the world

Craig: you're welcome um I'm here for you Hank and thanks for letting me be here instead of you know probably in a gutter somewhere. it's where I'd be.

Hank: you might be in a hotel room changing pants

Craig: are you saying my pants are dirty?

Hank: that's what I like to do whenever—whenever I get back to a hotel room.

Craig: change your pants?

Hank: "I'm going to need new pants"

Craig: right away

Hank: I got to get the world off of me

Craig: I will say that I I don't necessarily feel like I need to change my pants, but I do feel like taking off my pants whenever I like get home from somewhere or to a hotel room

Hank: yeah these days pants are tighter than they used to be

Hank: well thanks for joining us what do we say at the end of the videos

Craig: John I'll see you on Tuesday [winks, with sound effect]

Hank: did you wink?

Craig: I did

Hank: yeeeeah