John Green: Gooooooood morning, Hank. It's Tuesday. So, listen. Normally, I don't like to criticize you or air our dirty laundry in public or whatever, but on Sunday, I received a text from you at 10:12 p.m. that read, I think I can quote it in its entirety, "Happy birthday, two exclamation points." Now, I suppose this was a good text in so far as it arrived on my birthday barely, and also acknowledged my birthday.

But as your brother, oldest friend, and closest collaborator, I can't help but feel that maybe there's just a bit of room for improvement when it comes to your birthday text game, Hank. So, let's look at some of my other birthday texts and see what we can glean from them. First, a friend who is also a famous tuberculosis researcher reached out to say, "Happy birthday, I hope you have a rewarding year."

I realize belatedly that there are no famous tuberculosis researchers to the general public. I mean, famous to me. Side note, but isn't that how fame works now? like unless you're Taylor Swift or Rihanna, you are famous to me or not famous to me because the information landscape has become so utterly fractured that we no longer have shared celebrities.

And anyway, this tuberculosis researcher was famous to me and I could not believe that they were taking time out of their busy day trying to cure tuberculosis just to reach out on my birthday. Plus, that was a great text Hank because it didn't just acknowledge my birthday, it also offered an intention for the coming year.

One thing I've noticed about great birthday texts is that they often come from people you like more than you see. You know those people who maybe you don't run into every week but you really really love every time you do run into them. Like I got a lovely birthday text from the comedian Mike Burbiglia who was in The Fault in Our Stars and is one of my favorite people to hang out with even though we don't get to that often due to geography and etc. I also heard from the brilliant YouTuber CGP Gray whom I admire a lot.

Both those other people said more than just happy birthday two exclamation points. They included a little personal reflection, wishing me well in the coming year. And then there's my friend Elise who won the birthday text of the year with "happy birthday friend. I love you and your big beating heart." Now that is a great birthday text Hank. It acknowledges the love between us and also compliments me because of course birthday texts are not the time for constructive criticism.

Meanwhile, my friend Stuart sent me a video text of his children singing happy birthday. Can you imagine Hank? Stuart is another person I like more than I see.

It occurs to me that if you're the kind of person who sends a lot of birthday texts, you might be very likable, which is distressing news for me because to be honest, I'm not the kind of person who sends a lot of birthday texts, which means I could be the kind of person one sees more than one likes, which you don't want to be.

I really need to put together a birthday spreadsheet and start firing out those birthday texts Hank. And not just happy birthday, two exclamation points. I'm talking proper birthday texts.

Now, this isn't even to dig into the radical art that is the birthday call, a  craft largely lost to history, or indeed its cousin, the physical birthday card.

I did receive some birthday cards this year, but none from anyone under 70, that's true. If I'm going to rank the personal joy I feel when somebody reaches out on my birthday, I guess it's card then call then text, then text from my brother at 10:12 p.m. that says happy birthday two exclamation points."

After, no doubt, Mom and Dad reached out and said, "Don't forget to text your brother on his birthday." I mean, there wasn't even a third exclamation point, Hank, which everyone knows is how you really communicate enthusiasm in the year of our Lord 2025 with such extensive exclamation point related inflation.

So, Hank, I do think you have some work to do on the birthday text message front. But then I went back and I looked at my text to you over the last year and discovered that on your birthday, May 5th, I texted you, "Happy birthday." Two exclamation points, nothing else.

I have thrown stones from within the confines of my glass house. So clearly I also have some work to do. But of course, Hank, the real work is making someone feel loved and appreciated all year round, which you're brilliant at, and I'm very grateful to you.

Still, you can expect a long and flored text message come May 5th. In the meantime, I will see you on Friday.