[CLAPPING] Ohhh, did I clap?   [LAUGHS] I feel so vulnerable!

The last time I was here,  it was December 2021. I talked about fingering, and then I just left. [SCRIBBLING SOUNDS] My name is Lindsey.

I’m a certified clinical  sexologist with my doctorate in the field. I owned a sexual health center. I taught  human sexuality at a university.

I had a private practice in clinical sexology. And online I hosted Sexplanations as Dr. Doe for  over 8 years, covering 400 sexual topics, and eventually reaching an audience  of 1 million subscribers.

Unless you watched the livestream before  the December Fingering Sexplanations, you may not have known that I was even  thinking about stopping my work here. I didn’t say goodbye or a “See you later!” So today in 4 parts, I’d like to offer my EXplanations. Part 1: Why I left   (which you can apply to sex and relationships).

When this channel launched, I was asked how long I thought I would do it for. [SHRUG] At that time YouTube didn’t really have a  model for people leaving the industry. All I knew is that I’d rather go on my  terms and not as a result of being… Oh yeah! Go get ‘em!

Unplug everything! [HEARTY LAUGH] All I knew is that I didn’t want to go  because I was being pushed out or canceled. I wanted to go with a good reputation,  having decreased sexual worldsuck, and with warm, positive feelings  toward you… and this job. I didn’t want to leave because  people were threatening my safety, harassing and traumatizing me.

I didn’t want to leave because demonetization and discrimination by YouTube were so demoralizing. I didn’t want to go because I became irrelevant, lost credibility or worse, caused harm. So I landed on a more arbitrary option.

I’d wrap things up by my 40th birthday. Either to end production or turn the channel over to new educators. Of course with the self-given permission to change my mind.

See how this still applies to sex? I almost changed my mind a few times,  quitting years before because of all the scary reasons, but I pushed through. Until right around my 40th birthday, when I left because I had to.

I’d go to research and write and feel as if my mind was in honey. Disabilities that I had became very present, and I struggled to concentrate, to stay awake or to even hold myself up. If I thought I could manage a video and  sit down in front of the camera, my physiology would change  like I was in danger.

People around me were telling  me to stop, and I agreed. I was becoming more and more physically and  psychologically unable to do the job. Just like genital armoring where the  organs at your crotch clench shut or don’t get wet or hard or feel good  to touch as a way of protecting you, my whole body was like, “Yeah, we’re done.

Take a sabbatical.” A sabbatical is “a period of paid leave  granted to a university teacher or other worker for study or travel, traditionally one year for every seven years worked.” Maybe I would come back, maybe I wouldn’t. It didn’t matter. It was time.

Part 2: Why I stayed away for so long. A friend who had left his music career earlier  shared that it would take some time. I think he estimated at least four months  until he started feeling better.

That was accurate. The first four  months for me were rough. I felt guilty for leaving — all of these things  that I said I was going to do and didn’t.

All the ongoing sexual pain and strife  I wasn’t doing my part to relieve! I hadn’t even said a proper goodbye to all of  you who made Sexplanations into one of the best experiences of my life. But again, I couldn’t.

By that point I wasn’t even able to talk  about sex without shutting down. I may make another video about why,  but in the meantime, I’ll say, I was getting unwanted attention from the  internet — phone calls, dic pics, threats. And my inbox was full of heavy personal messages  that I didn’t have the spoons to help with.

I was scared and overwhelmed,  so I really felt done. I called my leave a retirement. I  stopped identifying as a sexologist, and when asked what I did for a living  I’d say, “I USED to be an educator.” Part 3: What I did for the last year (instead)!

Ohhhhh, bunnies!   ♫ Tiny bunnies ♫ Yeah, it’s the witching hour! Okay, come here! Come cuddle me.

Come cuddle me. Okay. I admired my friends.

Sex was such  a huge part of my identity, and when I needed a change, they  were right there with me. They talked to me about other things, and they spread the word around my community that I was taking a break from sexology so that everyone else would talk to me about other things. As in NOT sex, so I could take a break from sex!

Let’s see, I also helped my friends. Since I wasn’t working, I was  regularly available to hang out, strategize their business plans with them, babysit their kids, bake cookies, host dinners. I spent almost three months helping friends  renovate a farmhouse in Slovenia, and while there I shaved my head.

Stay curious, right? My curiosity wasn’t about sex,  but I had wondered for decades what my head looked like without hair. I hadn’t seen my scalp before.

It was strange… not knowing what the most me  part of life looks like. I learned that I have a very common  birthmark called a stork bite. Because babies don’t come  out of the uterus.

They’re delivered by birds that carry you by the neck. I stayed curious about the marine  life where I live in Mexico, like this smack of jellyfish  that looks like sex toys! My dog appendage along for the snorkel  because she can’t live without me.

You’re so… [LAUGHS] And you smell like fish.
I loved on her and so many  other dogs this past year. Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs.

Every Dog Matters rescue center in Bulgaria. Dogs. Rescued. Fostered. Adopted. 

I kiteboarded. I permacultured my yard. I traveled to the dalhia festival in (?)

(?~5:32)