[CLAPPING] Ohhh, did I clap?

Oh my gosh. [LAUGHS] I feel so vulnerable! The last time I was here, it was December 2021.

I talked about fingering, and then I just left. [SCRIBBLING SOUNDS] My name is Lindsey. I’m a certified clinical sexologist with my doctorate in the field. I owned a sexual health center.

I taught  human sexuality at a university. I had a private practice in clinical sexology. And online I hosted Sexplanations as Dr.

Doe for over 8 years, covering 400 sexual topics, and eventually reaching an audience of 1 million subscribers. Unless you watched the livestream before the December Fingering Sexplanations, you may not have known that I was even thinking about stopping my work here. I didn’t say goodbye or a “See you later!” So today in 4 parts, I’d like to offer my EXplanations.

Part 1: Why I left   (which you can apply to sex and relationships). When this channel launched, I was asked how long I thought I would do it for. [SHRUG] At that time YouTube didn’t really have a model for people leaving the industry. All I knew is that I’d rather go on my terms and not as a result of being… Oh yeah!

Go get ‘em! Unplug everything! [HEARTY LAUGH] All I knew is that I didn’t want to go because I was being pushed out or canceled. I wanted to go with a good reputation, having decreased sexual worldsuck, and with warm, positive feelings toward you… and this job.

I didn’t want to leave because people were threatening my safety, harassing and traumatizing me. I didn’t want to leave because demonetization and discrimination by YouTube were so demoralizing. I didn’t want to go because I became irrelevant, lost credibility or worse, caused harm.

So I landed on a more arbitrary option. I’d wrap things up by my 40th birthday. Either to end production or turn the channel over to new educators.

Of course with the self-given permission to change my mind. See how this still applies to sex? I almost changed my mind a few times, quitting years before because of all the scary reasons, but I pushed through.

Until right around my 40th birthday, when I left because I had to. I’d go to research and write and feel as if my mind was in honey. Disabilities that I had became very present, and I struggled to concentrate, to stay awake or to even hold myself up.

If I thought I could manage a video and sit down in front of the camera, my physiology would change like I was in danger. People around me were telling me to stop, and I agreed. I was becoming more and more physically and psychologically unable to do the job.

Just like genital armoring where the organs at your crotch clench shut or don’t get wet or hard or feel good to touch as a way of protecting you, my whole body was like, “Yeah, we’re done. Take a sabbatical.” A sabbatical is “a period of paid leave granted to a university teacher or other worker for study or travel, traditionally one year for every seven years worked.” Maybe I would come back, maybe I wouldn’t. It didn’t matter.

It was time. Part 2: Why I stayed away for so long. A friend who had left his music career earlier shared that it would take some time.

I think he estimated at least four months until he started feeling better. That was accurate. The first four months for me were rough.

I felt guilty for leaving — all of these things that I said I was going to do and didn’t. All the ongoing sexual pain and strife I wasn’t doing my part to relieve! I hadn’t even said a proper goodbye to all of you who made Sexplanations into one of the best experiences of my life.

But again, I couldn’t. By that point I wasn’t even able to talk about sex without shutting down. I may make another video about why, but in the meantime, I’ll say, I was getting unwanted attention from the internet — phone calls, dic pics, threats.

And my inbox was full of heavy personal messages  that I didn’t have the spoons to help with. I was scared and overwhelmed, so I really felt done. I called my leave a retirement.

I stopped identifying as a sexologist, and when asked what I did for a living I’d say, “I USED to be an educator.” Part 3: What I did for the last year (instead)! Ohhhhh, bunnies! ♫ Tiny bunnies ♫ Yeah, it’s the witching hour! Okay, come here!

Come cuddle me. Come cuddle me. Okay.

I admired my friends. Sex was such a huge part of my identity, and when I needed a change, they were right there with me. They talked to me about other things, and they spread the word around my community that I was taking a break from sexology so that everyone else would talk to me about other things.

As in NOT sex, so I could take a break from sex! Let’s see, I also helped my friends. Since I wasn’t working, I was  regularly available to hang out, strategize their business plans with them, babysit their kids, bake cookies, host dinners.

I spent almost three months helping friends renovate a farmhouse in Slovenia, and while there I shaved my head. Stay curious, right? My curiosity wasn’t about sex, but I had wondered for decades what my head looked like without hair.

I hadn’t seen my scalp before. It was strange… not knowing what the most me part of life looks like. I learned that I have a very common birthmark called a stork bite.

Because babies don’t come out of the uterus. They’re delivered by birds that carry you by the neck. I stayed curious about the marine life where I live in Mexico, like this smack of jellyfish  that looks like sex toys!

My dog appendage along for the snorkel  because she can’t live without me. You’re so… [LAUGHS] And you smell like fish. I loved on her and so many  other dogs this past year.

Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs. Every Dog Matters rescue center in Bulgaria. Dogs.

Rescued. Fostered. And adopted.  I kiteboarded.

I permacultured my yard. I traveled to the dalhia festival in Zundert and to visit family in Ohio, Ireland, and Spain. I spent a lot of time bedridden with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

I went to doctors for this and for my first mammogram which I wish I had recorded for you so that you'd know more about the procedure and wouldn't be so scared about your own breast health. Breast health, chest health, top health! Mostly, last year, I waited.

I waited to know what I would feel in the future, if I'd want to sign on again, if there was more to say, and if I could. Part 4. Why I'm here now.

Well, today, if just for this one video, I'm here because I want to be. I want to explain what happened and stay curious about what will happen next. I care about you, I just went away without communicating and I want to do that differently.

I want you to know that I'm okay, I'm not mad, and I appreciate you. Some of you have continued to support Sexplanations on Patreon. That has been amazing.

It feels like paid time off or a true sabbatical which has been- what's the word for feeling light? The opposite of stressed. I feel held.

I want you to know that in addition to using what I needed from this salary, some of the funds are building water resources in high need communities. A latrine for a school in Cambodia, a piped water well in Ethiopia, and two well rehabilitations in Malawi. I've updated the perks and milestones at patreon.com/sexplanations to thank you and encourage myself to stay curious. [END THEME] What the most part of you yer-ye-yer-you! [LAUGHS] When the banamies that goes bayou do a little jig.

Where I live in Mexico just like this [MOUTH SOUNDS] We're done.