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In which John apologizes to Tobies and Tobians, shares his thoughts with the fourteenth century, welcomes Elliot Biss into the world, and asks what he can do for you.

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A Bunny
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Good morning Hank, it’s Thursday, June 19th and today’s video comes to you in three point five parts, because I’m tired of making four part videos.


Part one is going to be an apology to Toby and Tobians, part two is going to be a plug for Brotherhood 2.0 Resident Mathematician and Future State Representative Daniel Biss, part three is going to be sixty seconds with the fourteenth century and part three point five is going to be “ask not what Nerdfighteria can do for me, ask what I can do for Nerdfighteria.” Phew, that was a big breath.

Part one: Hank, in your last video, you proposed that the opposite of “nerdfighterly” was “tobian”. Hank, I hate to point this out, but I think that might have been a mistake. First we started receiving comments from Tobies, who were like “Hey, uh, my name is Toby and I’m a Nerdfighter, and, um, why did you just do that to my name?” Then we got three emails from people whose last name is actually Tobian. And then the straw that broke the camel’s back came when several anthropology Nerdfighters pointed out that we were in fact insulting the 22 remaining residents of the island of Toby in the South Pacific, who by the way speak an extremely endangered language called Tobian. In fact, the central reason that there are so few people on the island of Toby is that the island of Toby is shrinking due to rising sea levels. I don’t think we need to add to these people’s troubles by making their ethnic identity synonymous with lameness. So Hank, to apologize to Tobies and Tobians throughout the world, I am proposing that we remove Tobian from the Nerdfighter vocabulary and replace it with the word “decepticonian”, which has kind of a nice Draconian ring to it, you know?

Part two: Hank, as you know, Brotherhood 2.0 Resident Mathematician Daniel Biss was one of the very first Nerdfighters, and you also know that he’s running for State Representative, and you also know that his wife is pregnant. But here’s something you don’t know: his wife isn’t pregnant anymore because she had a baby, Elliot Austin Biss! And now I shall do my seated-in-my-chair happy dance. Yay Daniel!

Now Hank, I know we were all rooting for Daniel and Karen to name their baby John Hank Bubbles the Nerdfighting Baby Biss, but you have to admit that Elliot is also a good name. So anyway, this is probably the last time I’m ever going to talk about politics on this channel, but I really do believe in Daniel’s candidacy, and also I believe that it would be very funny if Hank went to the Sex and the City movie dressed as Carrie Bradshaw; please consider making a donation to Daniel via ActBlue over there or possibly over there, and welcome to the world, Elliot!

Part three: Sixty seconds with the fourteenth century! Hank, I was inspired by a post over at my friend Lindsay’s blog to wonder what I would say to the people of the fourteenth century, if they could watch a video that I made that could only be sixty seconds long. OK, sixty seconds with the fourteenth century.

And, go!

Hi, John Green here from the distant future. I know these make me look weird but they help me to see better. The plague is spread by rats, you should try to kill them. Also the plague itself is like a little miniature animal, it gets inside of your body and then it pwns you. I know this sounds crazy but if you eat the right amount of the fungus Penicillium you can kill the plague inside of you. Generally to prevent the spread of these invisible monsters you want to wash your hands and body a lot with water and soap. Also leeches don’t work. New subject: science. The earth is round, the sun is at the center of the solar system, the speed of light is invariant, the Moon is not made of cheese, it’s made of rock, it turns out the question of how many angels you can fit on the head of a pin isn’t very interesting, and if you put a cat inside of a box with poison and you close the box, the cat is both alive and dead until such a time as you open the box. Next: the future course of history. If you don’t live in Europe, or indeed, if you don’t know what the word “Europe” means, you’re about to be in big trouble. Listen closely, peoples of non-Europe: if you see a dude that looks like me, kill him! DFTBA, people of the fourteenth century.

Part three point five: Ask not what Nerdfighteria can do for me, ask what I can do for Nerdfighteria. Hank, in the last few weeks we have been asking a lot of the Nerdfighters. “Give money to Daniel Biss! Send us your Tetris pieces! We want your t-shirt ideas! Make me a collaboratively-written novel!” So Nerdfighters, let me ask: what can I do for you? Do you want me to do jumping jacks? Make some pudding? Recite an Edna St. Vincent Millay poem shirtless? Let me know what I can do for you in comments, and I’ll do ten of those things in a video I film this weekend.