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Uploaded:2017-02-22
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In which John talks about his children’s names, which was Drake’s topic suggestion from the Project for Awesome. The Wimbly Womblys play Fleetwood Town.

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 (00:00) to (02:00) Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green, coming to you with terrible, terrible, terrible news.


As you may recall from our previous game at Oxford United, which we lost 2-0, John Green was unjustly maligned, injured in a tackle from behind that the referee didn't call a red card on, or a yellow card, or in fact any foul at all. He has broken his ankle and he will be out for about 3 months. I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew that I needed to keep the John Greens on the sidelines for a little while because they're very tired, because JJ has been sick. This is all my fault, and I'm very angry. It's not all my fault, mostly Oxford United's fault. Let's not kid ourselves.

But it's dark times, there's no getting around it. Look, we have an extremely deep bench when it comes to ah strikers, right? But what we don't have, what we can't replace, is we cannot replace... Uh, I think I'm gonna start with Lyle Taylor... we cannot replace John Green's grit and love of the game. We cannot replace the fact that he cares more about AFC Wimbledon than anyone but the fans who own the club. It's j-, it's a very frustrating situation. I feel frustrated. 

And with that noted, we are now going to play some team in league 1 and we're probably going to lose and I'm frustrated. I'm trying to be honest with you guys, it's been a difficult day for me.

Uh, who are we playing? We're playing Finland. Well that's a shock. We're playing Fleetwoods, Fleetwood Town, the white-hot center of the Universe, as people in Fleetwood Town call it. That's what we're doing today, and I'm going to be talking about a topic that was suggested by Drake Curtainbock, I hope I pronounced your name correctly Drake.

 How did I come up with the names for my children and would I change them if I could? It's a great question, ah thank you Drake and I have to say that I think your parents did a great job naming you both Drake and Curtainbock. I don't know how much say they had in the Curtainbock part of it. (02:00) to (04:00) But they did a nice job.  So, as you can see, I'm an excellent passer of the lob ball.  Oh!  It's raining in England.  Well, that's nice at least.  King's Meadow looks beautiful today.  Happy to be here.  A little bit concerned about the lack of John Green, but you know, it's time.  Lyle, look at me, it's time, Lyle, it's time for you to become the greatness you never weren't.


Okay.  Uhh, I--there is no good way to name a child.  There are no bad ways to name--I don't like people who are very judgmental about other peoples' kids' names.  Let's just be nice to each other.  There's a lot of negativity around naming.  I just--I just--there's no bad way.  I just wanna say that at the outset.  Name your kid whatever you wanna name your kid, don't put too much pressure on yourself.  The weird thing about a kid is that they're gonna grow to inhabit the name, you know, so it starts out, you spend so much time worrying about it, you bought all these books, literally we bought--we paid actual money for books that listed names of children, as if this was something that we couldn't acquire just from using our brains, and we bought a bunch of different books and we read through them.  Part of it is like a fun thing where you're like, you kind of like,  it's part of practicing having a child, right?  You're thinking about what is this gonna mean that I'm bringing a child into the world and I'm going to be responsible for them, and one of the first things that you're responsible for, you know, is this process of naming them.  That's a great little bit of play and it just worldly--I was gonna say world-class finish but it was the opposite.  Whatev--what is the opposite of world-class?  It's--it was a Gillingham-class finish.  

 So, oh God.  Oh God.  Oh God.  There we go.  That's good stuff. (04:00) to (06:00) We're just gonna turn it right around.  There you go.  And you move this way, and you just--just--do that.  That's--not exactly that.  Uh, so, we, I think most of what it is is just practicing and then the kid is born and you give them a name and maybe you regret it and maybe you don't, but it doesn't really matter, because they just end up inhabiting the name and the name doesn't become interesting except insofar as it refers to the kid and so all of the work that you did was for naught, because the name doesn't shape them that much, and the kid ends up being the same kid that they were going to be regardless.  


Now, that's not always true, for instance, I know a guy named Lockhart Steele, and he just have like, a built-in advantage, because his name is Lockhart Steele, and that's an awesome name.  There's a guy in the marines, his name is Lance Corporal Max Fightmaster.  There is no way that Max Fightmaster wasn't gonna be a marine, you know?   So like, obviously, if you're in a situation where you can name your kid Lance Corporal Max Fightmaster, do it.  You know?  But if you're not a f--if you're like most of us, you're not a Fightmaster.  Uh, it was almost a goal from a corner kick but we never score from corners.

You know, you think it's gonna matter so much, and then it ends up not mattering that much.  So, with our daughter Alice, who's now three, we tried to get the president of the United States to name her, because we thought that would be adorable, we thought that would be a great story, we were down two names anyway, Eleanor and Alice were the two names we were down to.  Eleanor because we liked it, and I think it might have been like, distantly related to a family name, there might have been some family member--oh no. Everything worked out... why am I passing out of the back like a fool? 

 I've just been practicing hitting the X button.  Anyway.  We liked the  name Eleanor, and we also, it was like, a s--oh, off the post--things are a little bit worrisome in the back right now.  Um, it was something of a family name, and then we really liked the name Alice, because it was Sarah's grandmother's name, and Sarah's grandmother was a very important part of her life and we thought that would be nice to honor her, plus, it's a great name. (06:00) to (08:00) I think it's a great name, I'm a little biased, but I think it's a wonderful name for a kid.  But it's also a name that you can like, grow up into and it's not weird, you know?  It's not like you're named like Sweetie or something.  It's like, cute when you're three and then less when you're 60.  Actually, I think like, Sweetie works both at 3 and 60, I dunno how well it works at like, 22.  Anyway.  Not here to judge Sweeties, like I said at the beginning, I don't wanna judge anybody else's name!  


So, we thought this was such a good idea, have the President name the kid and like, the President was not even prepared for the question in advance, we were assured--oh, it's gotta be, it's gotta be--and it is!  Oh, it's a fantastic--it's a historic finish for Tom Beer.  He loves to drink, he loves to party, he's a pirate, and he's a goal scorer for AFC Wimbledon.  Tom Beer, the most underappreciated player on AFC Wimbledon right now, I think, he's just been loaned out in real life to a team in the 5th division, but I think he scored the critical goal to send us to the premier league in FIFA 16, even though he's in 57 skill level, he's just a wonderful performer for us, I'm very, very pleased with him and very proud of him and I just want to take a moment to drink one in honor of Tom Beer.  Really great job and we're winning the game, and everything is hope.  

 So, I figured like, the President, like, if you put the President on the spot like that, you know, he's gonna answer.  But he didn't.  He Obama'd it.  He avoided the question.  He did a great job of like, answering the question without answering the question, and then at the end, he said whether it's Eleanor or Alice, remember to tell her to never forget to be awesome, and I was--both Sarah and I's jaws actually dropped, and I was--I was as close to being in love with a person who is not my wife as I have ever been. (08:00) to (10:00) I was as close to throwing it all away, and you know what?  I don't think I would have thrown it all away, because I think what Sarah would have said was, "Great decision, really good call."  Anyway.  We ended up going with Alice because of Sarah's grandmother's name, she's an important person in Alice's life because very foundational in you know, the values that we try to have as a family.  


 Very similar story with Henry.  Henry was my grandfather, really important person in my life, not just because of--well, party because of like, who he was, the values that he and my grandmother, who Alice's middle name is named after, had, the way they raised my mother, but also just because of, I don't know, they just had an outsized role in my life, because they were both extremely strong personalities and very generous to me and to our family and so--with Henry's name, it was always pretty much gonna be Henry.  We, you know, talked about a bunch of different names, you know-- Osiasi manager is disgusted that that wasn't called a foul and I agree with him, as usual, because I am--well, no, obviously I wanted you to pass to John Green, gahhhh.  Button pushing, I'm so bad at it!  It is astonishing that I'm still this bad at FIFA.  Anyway.  Um, uh, we entertained a bunch of different names, I was very fond of like, a name that was gonna be--I like the idea of a name that was gonna be a big name, that like, he would have to live up to, or like, fill like--Gatsby Green or something, and Sarah was like, you can't name a kid Gatsby, and I was like, why not?  And she was like, have you read The Great Gatsby? (10:00) to (12:00) Like, you can't name a kid Gatsby, and I told her that, you know, Gatsby turned out all right in the end, it was what preyed on Gatsby, what foul dust trailed in the wake of his dreams that temporarily aborted, you know, everybody's interests in the pursuit of man or whatever.  I'm doing--not a great job with the quote, just like I didn't do a great job with that finish.  Meredith, what's the quote?  You know, ah Gatsby turned out alright in the end, it was what preyed on Gatsby, what foul dust trailed in the wake of his dreams that temporarily aborted my interest in the short-winded elations and long-winded something of man? What? Close down my interest in the abort of sorrows and long-winded elevations of man ... short-winded elevations of man. Of course that's much better. Now we know we I should just let Fitzgerald do this work not me. Um why isn't F. Scott Fitzgerald hosting a semi-professional FIFA series. It's a real missed opportunity for ... oh apparently F. Scott Fitzgerald is deceased. So that explains it also there are other reasons. Come on John Green cut back don't be afraid to cut back, don't be afraid to cut back in the box and then you gotta finish oh it magnificent! Lionel Taylor on the board at last. Oh ... What! What! Garrrrrah Lionel how could you be offside in that situation plus I actually turned the trainer on when I was celebrating the goal that I didn't fricking score. Smurrgggh. I mean is Lionel Taylor ever going to score a goal ever again or has he scored his last goal ever for all of human history? Are we living in the Post Loinel Goal Era? *Sign* Tell you what Lionel's parents did a great job of naming him. Um I also thought about naming, I wanted to I kinda wanted to Jr Henry you know I love a good junioring and Sarah was like absolutely not.  (12:00) to (14:00) So, that was a nonstarter.


Great job on the finish there, John. Both, John who tapped the B button instead of hitting it hard, and John the player, who, really should have done a better job of finishing there. Or at least like laid it up for Lyle Taylor. Very frustrating. Um, but we are winning one now. There's no reason to be alarmed. Um, yeah.

So I... I... I like... I like family names because I like um, kind of continuing a story. Uh, I think, you know I like honouring people who were important to us in the names of uh, our kids and so, you know maybe telling, you know sending a message to those kids about what, you know what matters to their parents. But like I said there's no right... one right way to do it. Just as there's no one right way to score a goal.

Although I have found all of the ways to not score a goal and I'm very proud of myself for that. I think you know it's very rare that someone can not score these many ways. This is so annoying. And look at that, look at that. I'm absolute...

One thing about Tom Beere, uh, when he gets out of energy, he gets so out of energy. Look at him, he has nothing. He has literally nothing. He cannot run. He is walking with the ball. Alright, that's a nice pass though. Okay. It's Barcham! It's Barcham! Oh, that's good. That's good! NO! Frustration. Ugh! It's not... He's not great on the ball, but he's also not a very great finisher right now. We just need him to come around and become the greatness that we all know he can be. It's really... It's time, Lyle. And apparently it's not time 'cause we're in the 89th minute.

 So I don't know if you're planning on naming a kid soon Drake, but don't worry too much about it. Plus they might end up changing their name, who knows? Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Mostly talking to past me. Oh, that's good. Oh! Ah! Aah! Lyle! Lyle! Yes! (14:00) to (15:08) Is that Lyle Taylor? He scored a goal! He's back! The Messi for Montserrat. The Christiano Ronaldo from the Caribbeano! Lyle Taylor, with a magnificent goal! Oh! God, it's beautiful. It went near post and the goalkeeper he humiliated him. Fleetwood Town going back home to Fleetwood and/or Town humiliated. Ugh! Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. Look at (?) manager. He's delighted! He's so proud of his team, proud of his selection of Lyle Taylor, who's here to remind you that yourgolftravel.com is the no.1 source for your golf travel. Great job, Lyle!


Then he just, I don't know why he just turned his head like that, maybe he had some water in his ear and he's just trying to get the water out of his ear, but, it's just another example of the incredible bare similitude of FIFA graphics in FIFA 2017. We've come a long way since FIFA '11 that's for sure.
Uh, super proud of the boys! Really, almost the last kick of the game Lyle Taylor back on the score sheet. We're gonna be without bald john green for three long months. Uh, there I am being the classy person I am. Shaking hands with the manager of the opposing team, which I always do, when we win.
Thank you for watching! Best wishes!