You're prepared. Your anus knows your touch, and you want the next move to be sex - playing with another person. Are you ready for this? Are you of legal age? Anal sex go!

(Intro)

The first thing I want you to do is schedule a time to do it again. Sure, plan the first time, but I definitely want you to set up a back up. Haha, back up, back up. This is to get the pressure off the first time. There's no need to rush or force it. You're gonna have another opportunity or can. None of this is obligatory, and you can always, always decide not to. Whenever for whatever reason. So let's say this weekend, Sunday afternoon at 2, we'll try again if we don't get it the first go around.
Now, for the first go around, or if you're already having sex, what I like to call the "Dr. Doe Version." Safe words. Safe words? Safe words. No and stop mean just that, but sometimes it's nice having another way of communicating boundaries.

Now, pick your pleasurer. Something the approximate size of the bowel movement. So if it's a small bowel movement, pinkie; a larger one, dildo. This is specifically made for the anus. Try to find a sensation in that matches the sensation out.

Cover it up: gloves, condoms, finger cots. Designate a play hand and a lube hand. It's usually suggested that you don't use the hand you shake with because (sniff) but I say don't worry about it, it's going to be gloved anyway and you want to use the one that is going to be most dexterous. The glove on this hand is going to ward off the smell and is gonna smooth out the edges. (Purrs)

The anus is very sensitive. That's how you know you have a dingle-berry or paper-cut like fissures from too much diarrhea or a turtle head poking out. It tells you. Having a smooth entry means that the anus focuses less on reading edges and more on pleasure.

All right, so hands designated: gloved, feces free. Receptive partner find a comfortable position. UTI alert! If you have a vagina I recommend positions where the anal lube is going to gravitate away from the vulva. Really any position that makes you feel comfortable, sexy, and safe is a possibility. Bodies are different; comfort is different.

Decide what you're going to insert but don't yet. Place it on a dry anus and then rest it there. You've probably heard, "Anal sex: lube, lube, lube, lube, lube!" Yes, but not to start. If you approach the anus all wet and goopy, it's gonna think it's leaking and shut down shop. Go with a dry finger, a covered butt plug, a covered cock. Hold it up to the anus and wait until it puckers. (Kisses) Kissy face inviting in.

Just because you're invited doesn't mean you proceed. With this signal - (Kissy noises) - it is time to go from dry to wet. Slather your hand with quality anal lube, go back to the camp out position, wait until the anus puckers - (Kiss) - and then go perpendicularly. If this is your anus, first rule: breathe. Moan, even. No drugs! We need you to be completely clear-headed so you can verbalize for your anus what does and doesn't feel good. And we want it to feel good. Make out, have oral sex, masturbate, dry hump, read erotica, watch erotica, tell stories, role play. Get! Turned! On!

Clench your anus. Hold it, hold it, hold it, tighter, hold it, keep going. Kegels! If you're doing it right now, you know that muscles can only flex for so long before they (sighs) loosen. I want you to feel in control; I want you to feel curious. I want your anus to feel like 'I can't wait any longer! Give it to me!' I want your anus to be impatient, not your partner. If your partner is being impatient, then your partner can bend over and pucker up. Grab your partner's hand to mimic pressure. Use your words. Talk like an air traffic controller. You're the boss. Tell the pilot what to do. "Affirmative. Come in. Loud and clear. Mayday." (Laughs) Not mayday! "Negative, Ghostrider. The pattern is full."

Adjust physically and psychologically to this and then proceed. Move in ways that feel comfortable for both of you. All y'all. If you wanna try a larger object, use an in-condom. Pull out the ring unless you want the extra sensation. Put it on the object using the heavy lubrication to slide right in the anus. Whatever you insert, make sure it has a neck and a wide base or a cord that you can hang onto. Operating room rectal x-rays have found sunglasses, pint glasses, light bulb, Lightyear.

Sure, like other types of sex, people can just take it. Zero prep, no lube, hot sex. And others dig the pain. This is a short, explicit Dr. Doe how-to because options are a valuable part of healthy sexuality. And if you choose to learn more, there are many amazing experts specializing in anal pleasure. Stay curious!

(Outro)

Oh my gosh! I have to tell you. A pilot once told me that, in flight lingo, a perfect landing is called an orgasm.