HANK - Hello and welcome to Games with Hank. I'm Hank, that's my brother John.

JOHN - Ok we're going to play Super Mario Brothers.

HANK - This is Super Mario Brothers from 19 - what is it 80... 85?

JOHN - '85. This game was released in 1985 when I was 7 and most of Games with Hank viewers were negative 5. We're going to play 2 player game, I am Luigi. I last played this game in like 1992.

HANK - '92 huh?

JOHN - Yeah.

HANK - I feel afraid of that goomba

JOHN - It was about that time. I mean I'm just saying like we're probably going to be pretty bad. Not because we're bad at this ga-- 

HANK - (jumbled speech) Right prepare people for--

JOHN - What wait, what? Why didn't you get those coins?

HANK - Eh coins, what are they good for?

JOHN - Why aren't we killing these goombas? Are we, wait are we playing for - what is the competition?

HANK - To get as far as you can without dying.

JOHN - Oh not to, we're not playing a points based competition.

HANK - No no, you've got to get as far as you can without dying.

JOHN - Alright, I'm playing a points based competition just so you know.

HANK - Oh alright. It turns out big brother is changing the rules.

JOHN - I'm not changing the rules, I'm establishing the rules.

HANK - Okay

JOHN - You stated your rules and I was like, I don't agree with those rules I have different feelings.

HANK - Okay well.

JOHN - And by the way there's no way I'm going to make it out of the first level without, without dying.

HANK - Oh yeah!

JOHN - Oh I remembered that you got 5000 points!

HANK -I did.

JOHN - I can't compete with that. I remembered this being better graphics.

HANK - (laughs) That'll happen. See I just don't care about things like points. There's a bunch of coins in this thing. It's always a little time consuming to get the coins. 

JOHN - Yeah

HANK - It took me so long to realize that that little thing that pops up above his head is his hand and he's not in fact hitting things with his head.

JOHN - Oh yeah, I never knew that before. That guy, if I recall correctly that one comes back.

HANK - Does not come back.

JOHN - OK

HANK - The only way to - 

JOHN - Wait when was the last time you played this game?

HANK - Ha last night.

JOHN - Oh come on that's not fair.

HANK - Yeah it's a little bit of a cheat John.

JOHN - It's not a little bit of a cheat it's a lot of a cheat.

HANK - Eh it's a little bit of a cheat. Eh egh die goombas. I think that this one is a thing. Oh it's a fire flower. I did not know what that was that that one was a thing apparently.

JOHN - You're not even going to get it so what's the point? Why even bother being alive.

HANK - "Why even bother being alive..." - John Green. Oh yeah gotta get that he-ugh-- UGH--

JOHN - One up, one up!

HANK - Oh yeah!

JOHN - I remember this

HANK - and then hiya (noises of effort)

JOHN - Killed bad guy, jump on the good guy, wait for it... big mistake.

HANK - Well that was, I didn't want to warp I wanted to go through the - 

JOHN - I thought it was, I thought it was how far you get in the game!

HANK - OH I see okay rules keep changing.

JOHN - No I what are the rules you tell me what the rules are. You just cost yourself 5000 points.

HANK - I did I lost a lot of points
.
JOHN - Alright well are we playing for points or are we not playing for points I need to know

HANK - Well I don't, I

JOHN - It affects the way, it affects my strategy.

HANK - Okay well we're playing to get the furthest you can without warps.

JOHN - Oh that's, that's so cheap.

HANK - What! That's what I'm doing. What did you think I was doing when I didn't go for the warp?

JOHN - I was thinking that you didn't want to win the game because you lack courage. I was thinking it was mostly about your lack of courage and determination to be a winner.

Hank and John's dad - (laugh)

JOHN - Typical, typical stuff. I've come to expect it over the years I have to say. Oh, it's a fire flower, that's a solid 1000 points right there.

HANK - Yeah, it gives you points though, it gives you points, but not that, not that points matter. Not that we're playing for points.

JOHN - Well I don't, again I don't remember what we are (stammering) I, I the rules --

HANK and JOHN - OH!

JOHN - At this point the rules have become so obscure that no one knows for sure.

HANK - The rules are, you get as far as you can without warps!

JOHN - Luigi -- Luigi has a wonderful opportunity. I'm so scared. Scared of the Goomba.

HANK - (laughs) Yeah well, its a terrifying Goomba. NOPE, careful!

JOHN - OH, everything worked out better than expected. What is that one up there? 

HANK - That's just a coin.

JOHN - Alright.

HANK - Doot doot. You gonna kill all the Goombas? Goombas - I just fell like if you kill all the Goombas your just risking -- death

JOHN - Yeah I know It's risky. Listen, I didn't wanna kill those Goombas I just miss jumped. Ugh, last coin.

BOTH - Alright.

JOHN - God this is nervous I I I (stammers) --

HANK - Yeah!? You nervous? 

JOHN - I'm reminded of how much i didn't like this game as a child --

HANK - You loved this game as a child.

JOHN - Because there was so much opportunity for loss.

HANK - You gotta push the 'A' button to run.

JOHN - Ohhh! I forgot about running! Get him!

HANK - Oohoh! scary.

JOHN - That wasn't my best work.

HANK - Scared me.

JOHN - Come on! I only go six coins, you got seven. That doesn't bode well for the future. Oh no! And then i messed that up completely. Messin' everything up now. I have a very specific memory that one of these is a little coiny thing. Nope, apparently not.

HANK - It's that one.

JOHN - Huh?

HANK - I think it's that one. That one. Nope (laughs)

JOHN - It's not, why are you lying to me?

HANK - You gotta run!

JOHN - Do you?

HANK - Its... there it is. Go get it! You're not good at the game. you're bad at the game! Go faster. Fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast!

JOHN - Whoohooo!! Oh. Wow.

HANK - You didn't go through the warps.

JOHN - Well, apparently that's part of the game, is not going through warps. YOU SHOULD BE DYING, yeah he did. Alright so i go 'A' and then 'B' and then 5,000 points!!

HANK - Argh! Not that points matter.

JOHN - Not that points matter, but if they did, I would have just gotten 5,000 of them.

HANK - Wow, you just got a bunch of fireworks.

JOHN - And I got fireworks.
This is where I died. I recall it was-it was-it was three minutes ago, and I remember a lot of this game from like 25 years ago. In 1985, I mean, I was a young man.

HANK- A young man? You were 7.

JOHN - I had the best and the worst of it in front of me still. And I didn't even know. I thought like, "Oh!" You know? You never even think about it.  You never think about the fact that it's--it's all gonna go away. 

HANK- Away?!

JOHN- Yeah. 

HANK- What all went away? 

JOHN- Oh no!!  Oh, God. 

HANK- You're fine.

JOHN- Oh, God.  Your youth.  You know?

HANK- Your-(laughs)

JOHN- And suddenly you're just an old man playing a video game with extremely out of date graphics. 

HANK- It is extremely out of date. 

JOHN- NOOOOOOOO!  I think we might have the exact same number of points. 

HANK- Ugh.  I'm so tiny, John.  I'm so tiny and without fire. 

JOHN- Yes, you're fireless, you're a tiny little fireless man. 

HANK- Ugh, I'm so tiny and fireless.  Go.  Go, little Mario.

JOHN- That was a great jump, though. 

HANK- OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OHHH.

JOHN- You're at the end though, right, this is the end?

HANK- I am at the end. 

JOHN- Dammit.  Don't get 5000.  2000? 

HANK- Oh, I'm still going. 

JOHN- Yeah, it's still you, buddy.

HANK- Ohh, I don't wanna be in the castle.

JOHN- I hate this castle.  This is, by the way, I doubt I will get past this castle. 

HANK- Oh man.

JOHN- This is why I should have warped is because this was always the--this was always one of my problem--

HANK: What are you gonna do, what are you do here! What do you do? what do you do?

JOHN- What was your strategy?

HANK- I don't know!

JOHN- What was your long-term strategy?

HANK- I don't know, I thought that I could just jump over it! 

JOHN- The window has opened up for tiny Luigi.

HANK- We have a very--we did have a very similar number of points, you are correct, that is amazing.  Vurgurhurgurk.  Wow, brave.

JOHN- That's--BAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER LIVING?!

HANK- Alright, what are you supposed to do here?  There's a fire thing.

JOHN- Shame.

HANK- You gotta run fast. 

JOHN- Alright.  That opened up an opportunity for me.

HANK- That was not it.

JOHN- The dream is still alive, thanks to Hank's incompetence. 

HANK- I think we should play by points. 

JOHN- (laughs)

HANK- Whooo!

JOHN- Well, if you wanna play by points, I just made--got 200 of them. 

HANK- I don't know why that thing's even there.  Just to scare you.

JOHN- Just to scare me.  Well, I don't know, it managed to kill me last time.  This is where I need the points.  YES!  YES!

HANK- Good job.

JOHN- The window is open!

HANK- Good job.  Alright, so now you have to not die. 

JOHN- All I have to do is make it past that one thing, and I'm gonna be the winner.

HANK- Pretty much.  Oh, are you kidding me?  First try! 

JOHN-Well, it's not--it's not far.

HANK- You got to watch me do it a bunch of times.

JOHN- No, I--I--I remember from 1985. 

HANK- You don't remember from 1985. 

JOHN- I remember that from 1985.  HUSTLE!  And flow.  And flow.

HANK- Faster, faster, faster.

JOHN- D'OHHHH what is the point of being alive?? 

HANK- Apparently not much.  You have more points than me, so let's play by how far you get in the game.

JOHN- Alright.  That's still like--I still like my chances. 

HANK- You're still winning

JOHN- The real people with real courage get the mushroom there, but I'm not--

HANK- Yeah, I don't know who those people are. 

JOHN- It's not worth it.  I used to be that--

HANK- AAAAAH.

JOHN- --I remembered that if you run all the way through this, you could do it all in one shaboom

HANK- You just go, yeah, you just don't even have to worry.  That's not long enough to hit me is it. Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh. 

JOHN- Oh, you did it, that's it.

HANK- I'm further than you--ahhhhh, Bowser flame! 

JOHN- let's spend the rest of our--

HANK- Oh, are we really at Bowser already?

JOHN- Yeah, you're at Bowser.  These are very short levels.  Do you remember the key to beating Bowser?

HANK- Yes, you jump over him and you hit this thing.

JOHN- Dang it!

HANK- YES.  YEEES. 

JOHN- Aw, trick burger.

HANK- Face cam turned off again.

JOHN- You're about to be reunited with Toad.

HANK- Thank you, Mario.  But the princess is in another castle. 

JOHN- Why--why does Toad talk like that?

HANK- That's what he sounds like.

JOHN- I'd like to point out that I still have more points than you.

HANK- Do you really? 

JOHN- Yeah, I think so. 

HANK- Ah, well, you care.  WHAT, I cannot take one Goomba, Bowser's no problem!

JOHN- Ohhh, Mario, you don't get to play anymore! 

HANK- Ah, game over.  Right, no, but you do.

JOHN- Wow.

HANK- But you do. 

JOHN- Wow.  That was shameful.  That was--I mean, a shame to our family.  Alright.

HANK- Well, now we're gonna see how you do. 

JOHN- I can do this.  I'm good enough, I'm strong enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me.  I will wait for another flame.  Then I will jump and jump again.  NOOOOOO!!!!!

HANK- OHHHH HO HO! 

JOHN- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Winner on points, Luigi.  Congratulations to me, John Green, on my tremendous victory.

HANK- You should get more points for killing Bowser.

JOHN- I'd like to thank my family, my friends, especially my brother for sucking at Mario, uhh, gosh, I'd like to thank seven-year-old me who did a fantastic job learning so much about this game that 37-year-old me would remember.  I'd like to thank everybody who created the original Mario, um, alright, and now this is the end of Games with Hank, you'll see us tomorrow with more of Super Mario Bros.

HANK- I'm almost done fixing--

JOHN- As we say in my hometown, don't forget to subscribe to hankgames, youtube.com/hankgames, where you can watch me play FIFA. 

HANK- My camera's completely dead.

JOHN- Best wishes!