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In which Lindsey answers some questions.

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Host: Dr. Lindsey Doe

Directing/Filming/Editing: Nicholas Jenkins

Titles: Michael Aranda

Executive Producer: Hank Green
We haven't done a questions video in a while so, pew! Questions.


[Nick voice-over] "Do you have any wise words about humor in the bedroom?"

Hmm... Wise words: use humor.

"How did your family react to your career when you first told them?"

Don't you need to have sex first in order to do that?

"What has been the hardest part of your career as a sexologist?"

There are many hard parts about my job; it is not all Sexplanations shiny. Some of the things I'm thinking of are keeping my mouth shut when somebody's in pain and they're not ready to change. Or when somebody's in pain and I can't undo the trauma. 

"If you could learn intimate details about the sex life of any historical figure, who would it be and why?"

I thought I really only wanted to know about a person's sex life if they were willing to share it with me, but then I thought of Jesus. Scholars agree that he is indeed a historical figure, but they don't agree on the facts about his life, including his sex life. So I'd wanna know because of that. 

Let's talk about your feelings questions!

"Could you describe what sexual attraction feels like?"

To me it feels like getting really big eyes 'cause I'm in awe of the person and then making them very small so that nobody knows that I'm crushing hardcore. I would also relate it to the sensation of going to the bathroom and not realizing how badly you had to pee. Nick would describe it as a ravenous primal urge. 

"How does the first time for the girl normally feel?"

This is my master's thesis over 200 pages about the phenomenon of first sexual intercourse experiences. One person puts it, "I could draw it in my mind, the inside of my vagina. In this picture, there are those lights in Star Trek or Star Wars where your going hyper-speed and the stars are... I feel that that's what happened. Like there was this zoom of energy inside between the penis and vagina wall." Also, it may hurt.

"Do you think someone is less qualified to have a sex ed blog if they haven't gotten to have sex yet?"

No, just like Peter Burke can be a white collar FBI agent without a criminal record, you can be a sex ed blogger. Granted Neil Caffrey and his extensive practical experience do prove useful, but it doesn't make one agent better than the other.

"Is it right to feel disappointed if my female partner doesn't reach orgasm?"

You don't have to judge your feelings, but you could reflect on their source. Often disappointment comes from expectations.  What expectations do you have? How do they serve you? Some women don't have orgasms, some women have orgasms by themselves, and some women don't like having an orgasm every time.

"How do you be sex positive if you personally feel repulsed by sex?"

Start by being sex neutral: understanding its purpose without judgement.  It's much easier to go from sex negative to sex neutral than sex negative to sex positive.

Remind yourself that you don't have to enjoy sex, appreciate it, or want it in order to believe that people deserve the right to make healthy, educated choices about their sexuality--your repulsed sexuality included.

Now for some office related questions.

"How do you help clients reconcile faith and sexuality?"

I give them the space and permission to do the reconciling.

"What's the best way to improve communication in a relationship?"

Listen.  Some others that I might add is that when you're discussing matters of the heart, don't do it within an hour of waking up or an hour of going to bed.  Focus on gratitude and be willing to say the things you don't want to say.

"Do you have any tips for keeping a healthy long distance sex life with a partner?"

Mutual masturbation through text, emails, and Skype.  Then times to talk business and times to talk romance - separate the two.

"I'm taking an SSRI and it makes reaching climax like an ultramarathon.  Any advice?"

Talk to your prescriber.  It's okay to say, "This med isn't working with my sexuality. What can we do?"

"I don't think I would want to swallow but where would one spit?"

Away from the vulva.  On a tissue, on a towel, on the person who ejaculated.  A good tip would be to spit on the inside of your shirt so that it dries later and you won't see it.  Move on with your day.

I'll keep tackling your questions over time.  Until then, stay curious.

Okay Nick, this is big - and hard. [giggles] Hee hee...are you rolling?
Nick: Yeah.
Lindsey: Oh man.