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In which John continues to give romantic advice. The Wimbly Womblys take on Sheffield Wednesday.

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 Introduction


Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, today taking on Sheffield Wednesday - the mighty owls of Sheffield Wednesday. Um, yes... Nothing intimidates you more than a team named after a day in the middle of the week! Uh... Whose mascot is an owl!

Good luck to Sheffield Wednesday - one of many great football clubs to come out of Sheffield. Sheffield United, Sheffield Football Club, um... Where the original rules of soccer were written in like, the 900's AD. I think that's wrong by about a thousand years.

Um, anyway, we're starting Deeney and Dicko today. Deeney made a special request to the manager to uh, start, because he's concerned - oh gosh! - that he might need to transfer. I- it's endless, it's endless!

I feel like I'm very understanding of Deeney's lifestyle - uh, by the way, we're in fifth - um, and yet at times, he is just... He's a little frustrating. Obviously he's amazing, he's a brilliant player. He's got more goals for us this season than anyone, uh, but oh, can he be annoying a little bit!

He's just like - he came in, he was clearly hungover and he was like "boss, I really need to play next week" and I was like well, you know, I- it's hard to believe that you're gonna give your all in training when you're clearly like, you know, your eyes are swimming in your head. You're looking in two different directions.

But anyway! I still love him. Just a complicated love. You know, you know how love can be complicated? Oh wait, that's the subject of today's video! I'm gonna continue uh, to give you guys some love and romance advice, because I'm such an expert!

 John's history of dating


(1:33) I- I was- yeah, I mean, I got dumped over and over again when I was- when I was a kid. Even my wife broke up with me! Um, briefly, after uh- we dated very, very briefly for like, we went on like, three of four dates and then she broke up with me to uh, briefly pursue a relationship with one of her former flames. Then that fell apart and Sarah and I started dating properly.

And it was in that- it was in that interim like, six months between what Sarah and I refer to as "the spring in the fall" between when we- we dated briefly and when really ended up dating... It was within those three months that I learned - or six months - that I learned a lot about myself. A lot about confidence and um, and about that old phrase "being yourself" which is such an infuriating phrase in so many ways, because of course, whose self would I otherwise be being, and...

But I- I learned, as I think you only can, organically, I learned what that meant, what that was gonna mean for me and like, what, you know... That I was alright, I guess. That I was okay, that I was okay by myself, that I, you know, knew who I was and knew what my values were... Um, and that I could like live in a way that was, you know, semi in accordance with those values - certainly not entirely.

Oh, my gosh! That was almost a searching, beautiful through-ball. Um... It was almost an incredibly well-weighted pass. Uh...

 Question one


(2:53) Meredith, do we- what's the first question? "How do you get over heartbreak?" Well, that's one of my areas of expertise, because I have been heartbroken many times... But I actually- I'm not good at over it! The first thing that I would say is that it's okay! Like, it's okay to be heart- oh no! Everything worked out better than expected.

It's okay to be heartbroken. Like, it's not- it's not a character flaw or anything. And like, it's appropriate to be sad when um- it's appropriate to mourn losses. And there is a loss- oh, God. Speaking of losing... Urghhhh. McCabe scores for mighty Sheffield Wednesday - the terrifying owls, um, that strike on Wednesdays and that guy is inexplicably inserting his hands into the field... Um, his name is Coke!

Frick. It's frustrating. We didn't have a good start. Been a- been a- been a couple of tough games here, for the Wimbly Womblys after a really good run of form. Oh? Oh! That's nice! That's nice! Keep going! Look at that. That's just massive - oh, and then at the worst possible pass! Who was that?! That was H Walter White! Looking fantastic, the White House. Um... Good stuff! Good stuff from the White House right there. But all for nothing, like so much effort in this world.

Yeah, so it's okay to be heartbroken. Like, um - you know, obviously you don't wanna- the problem is that, I think for other people, when you're not the heartbroken person. When you're a supporter of the heartbroken person or a friend or whatever. There's a terribly monotony about heartbreak, because of course, like, there's nothing particularly original about it, uh, from the perspective of - if you're not in the middle of it. And so, you know... If you're the heartbroken person, you don't wanna talk about anything else, because to you, this heartbreak is like endless and fascinating and it has many depths that must be uh, you know, must be fully explored in order for you to get over it.

The other thing that I would say is that- is that maybe to consider not needlessly lengthening the heartbreak by continuing to um, hold in your mind the idea that uh, that this thing will somehow be resolved.

In fact, I would say that the- the most successful heartbreak I ever had was after Sarah and I broke up, um... Which was also the only time in a heartbreak when I've been like "well, she's really cool! And I hope that we can stay friends, but we're not gonna be in a romantic relationship, and that's okay!" Um... And uh, yeah.

But- if that can't happen, it's okay. It's also okay to be- oh! Oh! Ohhhh. It's also okay to be like "yeah, I can't be friends with this person anymore because it's extending my heartbreak and needlessly lengthening it and I'm trying to like, maintain a relationship that no longer works for me because it doesn't work for me if it's not romantic". Meredith, agree or disagree? She agreed! Phew!

Oooooooooozéia! (sings) When your head hits the goal- the ball and it goes in the goal, that's Ozéia! When you score a great goal from a corner kick, that's Ozéia! (talks) What a great goal. Ozéia hasn't scored in forever! He hasn't scored in so long that his song is almost exclusively associated with a Moura, his central-back partner.

Ooooh, slow-motion non-goal! I've never seen a ball travel slower to a goal in my entire life. But that was a nice come-from-behind moment. We really need three points out of this game though, if we're gonna be serious play-off contenders. Oh, he touched the ball, Meredith!

 Question two


(6:31) What's my next question, by the way? Oh! Ahhh! "When's the right time to make the move?" I- you know, make- making the move, you know what move has been most- people used to always make fun of me about this when I was in like, high school and college - that I've never kissed a girl without asking her.

Um... You know, like I've never done the thing where you like, lean in and you don't know how it's gonna go. Um... I'm just not a believer in that! Like... Why would you lean in and not know how it's gonna go?! Why wouldn't you just say like "do you wanna kiss?" and then they're in a position where they can say no or yes! And then you kiss.

No? Meredith's looking at me dubiously. Huh? Which- you don't like that way? Is that better? Is that better? (pause) You seem to not completely believe that it's better. No, it is completely better? Okay, good. Alright. Yeah.

So that's- I've always- that's always been my strategy. Like, even when I was in like sixth grade, I would always say like, "I- I don't know how you feel right now, but I kind of feel like kissing" or something. And then- yeah, that's how I would make the move.

As for "what is the right time to make that move?", you've gotta feel it out and let me tell you, I'm probably the wrong person to ask, because there have been occasions where I have said like, I, you know, "do you think it would be a good idea to kiss right now?", or whatever, and the person that I was talking to was like, "no! I don't even like kissing people of your gender!" And I'd be like, oh, my bad! Cool though. Yeah. Doesn't always work. Doesn't always work.

But then at least like, at least it's a conversation instead of just like weird active physical aggression. I don't know. That always weirded me out, the whole like, I- and then the whole idea that like, boys are the kissers, and girls are the kissees. That's- that's weird, too! Like, some weird, weird- weird dynamics into it. Um, yeah.

So as for the right time, not my area of expertise. Definitely didn't always feel it out correctly. But- then the wrong time isn't that wrong, is the nice thing about the uh- the asking. Then if the wrong time is wrong, it's just like, "oh man, that was awkward!" and then it's over! Instead of like, it being... This like weird half-kiss that then leads to a conversation. Why not have that conversation before the half-kiss?!

Oh my gosh, what a ball! What a- Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! DICKOOOO! Ohhhh! Dicko! Dicko! (laughing) Dicko, Dicko! (sings) Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dicko, Dicko, Dicko, Dicko! Dick-o just scored a goal! (talks) What a Wimbly Wombly goal that was!

We are playing- I mean, I know that- I know that we're giving up goals and everything, and we're probably gonna give up one here, but like, we're playing beautifully right now! These- these beautiful, flowing through-balls that, I mean, you wanna talk about romantic love. I feel something very much like that when I see the Wimbly Womblys play like that.

Like, that was an amazing ball. It was so smart! It was so thought out, like it was just- it found a space and it said "space, I love and worship you!" Oh, that was gorgeous. Oh, man. The right time to make the move is right after you see the football club you love score an amazing goal, because everybody's just happy. They want- you know, and then- and you're in a romantic mood! I don't know if you guys are, but I'm feeling it right now!

Do you wanna- do you wanna make out, Dicko? 'Cause I kinda do! I know that we're both married. I'm just telling you! I'm telling you the truth! Telling you how I feel. I think Sarah would be fine with it. I'll ask her later.

 Question three


(10:28) Uhhh... Meredith, what's my next question? "How do you get approval from your parents to go on a date?" Oh, that's a great question! Um... As a parent, I feel that I have unique insight into it. Um... Oh, Dicko! Dicko. Dicko in the box. Dicko in the box, Dicko in the bo- no! You were supposed to pass it back to that guy! Ohhh, he wanted to score so bad too, I could tell - he was kind of motioning for the ball.

Um... I mean, so... One thing you have to remember about your parents is that, pretty much - I think for your entire life - they're gonna look at you and they're gonna see a baby. They're gonna see a baby whose diapers they changed. They're also going to feel this intense unspeakable fear um, about your well-being. Like, they are so worried for your well-being. Oh! Ooooh! Golly gee, Hells Pells couldn't get off his leg! Um...

They're gonna- they just- they feel- it's, it's not even- it's not normal. It's like a pathological illness that they're experiencing - their level of like, worry for you and love for you. It's like way out of the realm of normal. Um... So you have to know that, going in to this question - that like, they are deeply concerned.

So I would just be as mature about it as you can be, and say I wanna go on a date with this person. Here's some information about this person, um... You know, this is- and this is exactly what I wanna do for the date. You know, I wanna do X and Y and Z, and I'm going to be home by this time and, you know, you'll be able to reach me here, and, you know... Like, we're going to see this movie at this time, which will be followed by dinner at this restaurant. There will be people surrounding us at all times, except when we are in the car, um, when we might fog up the windows a little bit, but we will be fine. Really, what your parents want to know is that you're gonna be okay.

Oh! Saved off the line! X button! X button! X button! Ohhh, I hit it too late! No, it worked out! Ohhh, I still don't know where the X button is!

What happened? Is that the end of the game? Yeee-eahhhh! Ohhh, what a save off the line at the very end, and then even though I couldn't find the X button, we found a way to keep it out of the goal. Ohhh, this is good American fun.

Thank you to Seb Brown, to Hells Pells, to ya Bamba, uh... To Dicko, who scored a beautiful goal, and to whoever, I don't even know who it was, made that amazing pass. Um...

Good luck, good luck getting your parents to let you go out on a date. Um, but good luck in everything in your lives. Thank you for watching. Best wishes.