Good morning, Hank, it's Monday, August 20th and somebody needs a haircut.

Hint: it's me. It's the weirdest thing, Hank, you're walking around for a couple weeks and you're thinking "Should probably get a haircut in the next week or so, you know, just kind of preventative medicine kind of haircut." And then one day, you wake up, and you're like "Oh. Right.

This is why they called me Muffinhead in middle school." Hank, I can't tell you how grateful I am that we never attended the same middle school at the same time because, frankly, I don't think you could have handled the shame. Hank, I have a very interesting piece of news. Our secret brother Tom used a machine that involves some magic and a lawnmower in order to calculate the midpoint between you in Missoula and me in Indianapolis, and it turns out that the midpoint between us is a town called Winner, South Dakota.

Winner, South Dakota, Hank! As in the opposite of Loser, South Dakota! Anyway Hank, I got to thinking that you and me and the Nerdfighters could potentially pool our resources and purchase the town of Winner, South Dakota and then build a kind of nerdfighting commune there.

Hank, I only know two things about the hypothetical Nerdfighter Commune: number one, all the buildings would be made out of sustainable materials, and number two, everyone would sleep in race car beds. So I went online to Wikipedia to see if Winner, South Dakota is small enough for us to potentially consider purchasing. Hank, according to Wikipedi- wiki... wiki.. wiki...

Wikipedia, Winner, South Dakota has a population of just over 3,000 people. It's located in south central South Dakota, which is exactly like south central Los Angeles, except different in every possible way. Also according to Wikipedia, Winner, South Dakota has a fascinating history.

Hank, I'm going to read this to you, and I swear I'm not making it up! "No one knows the exact date that Winner became Winner. Some claim to know, but they are liars. The territory where Winner now resides was first discovered by white people in 1726, when French fur trader and magician extraordinaire Jean-Pierre Sebastien a la King crossed the Missouri River on his infamous search for the elusive, non-existant giant red-footed prairie beaver of the Dakotas.

Although a terrible fur-trader and magician, Jean-Pierre managed to make a fortune in the canned chicken and biscuit industry before dying of botulism in 1743." Oh, Wikipedia. Will you ever tell me true facts? Hank, in other news, have you noticed all the amazing things the Nerdfighters have been doing lately?

Nerdfighter (sadsack) is designing awesome Nerdfighter animations like this one, secret brother Todd created a fantastic intro for all the secret siblings to use, we got a bunch of Nerdfighters helping to build the wiki... wiki... w-wiki...wookie...wookie! Plus, we've got hundreds of people sending in Nerdfighter pictures like this and this and this and this and this! We've got so many Nerdfighters In My Pants that sometimes the site goes down-- Hank, I know you're working on that, and I appreciate it.

A group of Nerdfighters led by (Ciara) are starting a humiliation for charity project that I think is awesome. Plus, Tobias is still rocking the songs and all the old-school Nerdfighters are doing a great job of integrating all of the new-school Nerdfighters so that everyone collectively finds that they are made of more awesome than they ever thought possible. Hank, I don't want to exaggerate the effect that this project is having on my life, but it's sort of starting to make me believe in humanity again.

I find myself saying and thinking outlandishly optimistic things lately, like I'll be staring outside at this weather and I'll say "Wow, that's gonna be really great for the plants!" I mean, honestly, Hank, this is really the first time that I've started to feel like the world contains more Nerdfighters than nerd haters. My entire life, I've thought that I was best suited for the town of Loser, South Dakota, but I'm starting to change my mind. I find myself thinking "maybe Nerdfighting is for winners." I'll see you tomorrow.