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Last sync:2023-01-13 14:30
In which jerky camera footage is blamed on bumpy roads, John talks to the Yeti but edits out her answers, discusses Shakespearean novel titles, and suggests a book club.


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Good morning, Hank.

It's Monday, January 8th. Sarah and I are about to drive out of Asheville, on our way to Birmingham, Alabama.

I know you're gonna be here soon, but in the meantime I thought you should enjoy how pretty it is. We're going down the dirt road on the way to the other dirt road that leads away from Mom's house. And Dad's house!

Sorry Dad! Jeez. I would like to congratulate you on successfully completing the Strawberry Hill challenge, except that you didn't complete it!

Drinking Sutter Home wine when you've been challenged to drink Strawberry Hill is like slow dancing with Teddy Ruxpin when you've been challenged to wrestle a grizzly bear. Sutter Home may be terrible, but at least it's derived from grapes. Strawberry Hill isn't made out of grapes.

It's made out of strawberries. Just kidding, it's made out of apple wine, malt, red dye, and the fires of hell. Hank, as you know, I had surgery on my mouth a few weeks ago.

After they sewed my gum back into my mouth, my mouth tasted like cement and blood and burnt meat. And you know how after any dental procedure they make you drink that, like, green, gross, minty alcoholy stuff and then spit? Strawberry Hill, it tast- *achoo* (whispers) That was the Yeti!

Strawberry Hill tastes exactly like that spit. (to the Yeti) Do you think I'm funny? Am I trying too hard? When?

The whole time? Teddy Ruxpin? It's just you get that way around the camera.

So Hank, today is a very significant day, and I'll tell you why. It's January 8th and the first draft of my new novel is due on January 21st. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I know a couple, so I called Daniel Biss and he told me that January 21st is only 13 days away.

Aside from the problem of actually finishing the book, which is, admittedly, a pretty serious problem, there's the problem that it doesn't have a title. I would feel a lot better if I actually had a title for the novel so that I could say, you know, in ten days I have to turn in the first draft of my new novel, The Babysitter's Club 26: Claudia's Sad Goodbye. I've been thinking of using either Shakespeare or the Bible.

You've got a lot of great Shakespearean titles over the years, like: "Infinite Jest", "The Dogs of War", "Brave New World", "In Cold Blood". And there are also a lot of great Bible titles like: "East of Eden", "Song of Solomon", or "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". Of course in the Biblical version of Rich Dad Poor Dad, rich dad gets turned into a pillar of salt and, uh, poor dad is exalted above all others.

Anyway Hank, I'm hopeful you'll be able to come up with a title for me. Project idea: the Brotherhood 2.0 Book Club. I'll read a book you suggest if you read a book I suggest.

My first suggestion? Either "What is the What," by Dave Eggers or "We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families," by Philip Gourevitch.