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Want will won’t:
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Dealing with Sexual Side Effects:
How to Get the Sex You Want:
How to be More Satisfied with Your Sex Life | Hannah Witton

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 (00:00) to (02:00)


Welcome to Sexplanations. I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, Clinical Sexologist and host of this sex-curious show. We're outside (because Pandemic), and I want to answer your sex questions!

This episode is sponsored by Okay. First sex question: How does this work? Open the package. First thing. Get really curious about what's inside. I actually had this for the episode on How to Hold Vibrator Without Using Your Hands, and I think I placed it incorrectly on the vulva. So let's figure it out for real. 

Are there instructions? [reading] "Wear during intimate encounters or conveniently hold for direct stimulation." "Vibrating arms can embrace the clitoris for a unique, mind-blowing experience." "Insert vibrating arms for exact G-Spot stimulation." Oh, you are, like, multi-functional? 

Okay. Here we go. Vagina, insert, G-Spot. Mm! Or, I suppose you could go this way, and this parts stimulates. Or goes this way. What are we doing here? [reading] "Vibrating arms can clasp and caress." "Stimulate nipples or any erogenous zone." "Can be comfortably worn as a vibrating C-ring for clitoral stimulation, testicle stimulation, or operate both vibrating zones to intensify clitoral and testicle stimulation."

[impression of the toy] "I'm just massage you because that feels good." [reading] "Turn on only base motor for testicle stimulation." Okay, so I think your balls can go in here. Maybe this goes - that would hurt on the penis. *frustrated groan* Ugh, I need a Merchandise Expert!

[reading] "Turn arms on only." Only arms? Okay, one is the arms. Two is the base. We got that. [reading] "Could be used solo or with a partner." Do I dare put this on? Okay, here we go. How do we go?

That would work. That works. Sideways. This way? That works. Yep! All of the ways work. Basically, you get to do whatever you want with this toy, and if it feels good, then you're probably doing it correctly.

Now do we know? Do you know? Does that answer your question, camera person? It can go in, 'cause it's so soft! Okay, let's move on. Do you have a question for me?

 (02:00) to (04:00)

"How can I deal with antidepressants and low libido?" This video. All about the sexual side effects, specifically of antidepressants, SSRIs, it's all there. How to talk with your doctor, what to do... And, yeah, I did it for you! Ask me another one.

"Rough sex, how to communicate to my partner I want that and how to do so safely? Has been on my mind a while". Ooh, there are lots of podcasts and books on rough sex, I will put links to them in the description.

Oh my gosh, answering questions off the cuff is hard work! Hi, little kids! All right. There is a video on that too, it's called 'How to get the sex you want', and basically I instruct people to create a "Want, Will, Won't" list where you take a sheet of paper, a computer document and you describe the things you want (your ideal sexual situation), what you're willing to do (your common ground areas, maybe you don't know yet, but you're curious), and then your won'ts, your hard limits, absolutely not on the table until you change your mind, if you change your mind. And I would put that you want rough sex on there and ask your partner to share lists. I think there's also an app that allows you to do this, and it will only share your common wants or wills, so the person will never know that you want rough sex unless they also want it. I think I need to create a better app, we'll see. But, definitely open communication and maybe watching content or reading books together that involve rough sex. Seeing how they engage with commentary on it. Any suggestions? Okay, next question.

"How does one safely handle having a high sex drive?" Hannah Witton, who is a sex educator in Britain, is so on her game right now and she has this amazing episode where she talks about how sex drive is this falsehood, and I would highly recommend the video where she really takes this idea of drive and how we need it like a food, hunger etc., and redirects it to be more of a desire and it's very powerful. And that would be, I guess, the first approach in dealing with it, just having a new awareness of what you're striving for or how to express yourself so that you are handling the desire, and

 (04:00) to (06:00)

..., and not feeling like you are empty, or what's the word... in scarcity, and there is a video on ways to address to sexual desire, or get sexual relief that don't involve any sort of intercourse.

So you have a plethora of options. I'm just going to direct you to all the content that I've already made.  Sex and pregnancy: dos, don'ts, and how to negotiate with your partner.

My God, this is so hard without a script. Okay, to my knowledge, I've never been pregnant, so I can't speak to personal experience, but there are really great books, other resources as well, I'll put some in the description. I think that this goes with the Want Will Won't list as well, where you're saying, "Okay!

This is what's happening with my body, the changes happening to my top and bottom, and what I would like to do differently from what we've done in the past, and then putting those down on paper, or communicating them with words, verbally, to say, let's lets try it. Maybe it won't feel good, and what is something that we can divert to in case this new experience doesn't feel the way we want it to. What's our old go-to, that's our reliable source of pleasure.

And maybe that is lying side-by-side mutually masturbating. Unless your doctor says so, having sex is not going to hurt the pregnancy at all, and actually a lot of people will advocate for it, because it's really great way to bond with your partner, and sex is general has all of these amazing benefits. Orgasm has benefits, masturbation has benefits.

Bloop benefits list. And, so, if you are able to engage in that way, or in ways that feel creative to you, talk to your partner! Menstrual cups: recommendations, sizing, best brands, etc.

Oh man, when I was in college, I worked at a factory that made menstrual cups, specifically these instead one time use, they look kind of like a diaphragm, and he gave me one and I remember that after I used it, I didn't experience menstrual cramps ever again which is very strange to me. I don't know if this is a scientific correlation or not but I do recommend menstrual cups that are not one time use because they're better

 (06:00) to (08:00)

for the environment.

So finding something that is accessible to you, medical grade silicone if you can, recommended by people you trust, that's what I would go with and then I did a whole video on them and one of the things that I forgot to mention, which I will say now is that when you are removing it, so here's the cup, and there's a stem that comes down and the stem has a little hole in the tip, so if you pinch that stem, it will cause the kind of vacuum that's happening around the cervix to release and it makes it much easier to remove. Design wise, there's some differences to them; and sizing wise, I don't have that answer, at least not right now, but I will put a sizing link in the description and I would recommend talking to the person who has inspected your cervix and say things like, "Hey, do you know whether or not I have a have a tilted uterus?" And "Do you know what size speculum works best for me?" And "Do you know what size menstrual cup would work best for me?" Do you think we should be concerned about the amount of violence and fetishisation in porn or just let people like what they like?

As a lesbian, it always wiggs me out when I hear guys get off to the idea of turning lesbians but I don't want to shame people for their kinks. Oh, Gosh! To be honest, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about porn and the effects of porn.

I have done episodes on them. I do think that it's important to pay for your porn if you're able to and I also think that supporting people of all ethnic backgrounds is important, but also targeting certain markets based on how we may fetishize our differences is tricky. So, shop for ethical porn would be the first thing.

For me, I do have to say that my bigger concern is child abuse in the form or circumcision and so that is where a lot of my energy goes. I do think that pornography is sex education for a lot of people and it's not comprehensive, it's not very accurate, and so I think that my other big passion is making sure that comprehensive sex education in this form exists so that people aren't relying on pornography to tell them what sex and intimacy

 (08:00) to (10:00)

should look like.

I am very, very grateful to the porn industry for what it does when it does it well. And while I have my concerns about when it is not done well, the short answer is that my attention is elsewhere most of the time.

Turning lesbians. Hmm. I get it so long as you keep it in a fantasy world and don't ever act like somebody who is asexual just needs your dick in order to desire sexual intimacy or somebody who has a different sexual orientation than you want them to be is somehow going to convert because of your prowess.

Let people express themselves and come to their own conclusions. Maybe offer without expectation. It's absolutely okay to fantasize about things that aren't okay to do in everyday life.

I think that that is one of the very brilliant parts about fantasy. Anything else? Oh, fuck me.

What's the difference between a healthy kink and an unhealthy manifestation of trauma? I don't think that kink and trauma are mutually exclusive. I think what is healthy for someone is independent and determined by them and maybe the people around them who provide guidance to understand what is benefiting their lives and what isn't.

I think that you can have a kink that is unhealthy which has nothing to do with trauma, and I think that you can have a healthy manifestation of trauma. If you're maybe working through something with a kink or you're getting to relive it in a way that has a different outcome. So, it's not that the kink, it's not kink or trauma.

It's more that kink and trauma can coexist or be separate and it's that either of them can have a healthy or unhealthy form which is subjective. Vibrators have two kinds of sensations, how fast the vibration is and how deep it goes. How does this different vibration affect the clitoris/orgasm, or at least in my experience women take longer to cum with deep vibrations but they cum harder.

I think vibrators have many, many types of sensations. Some of them can have fullness and some of them can have, like, this electricity

 (10:00) to (12:00)

and some of them can have, like a, a deep, like, growly or dull; vibrators, their very nature is to be diverse and to try and service people in many different ways. How fast the vibration is and how deep it goes, those are two functions, certainly. 

How do these different kinds of vibrations affect the clitoris/orgasm? It is so dependent upon the person. I think that I am the most orgasmic person that I know and I cannot have a vibrator on me because it's just, it's too much. If I put it above my clitoris, if I put it above the sheets, if I put it above the hood, like it doesn't matter. So, my phone is vibrating, that, too much. It really depends on the person, their unique anatomy, the vibrator, how it's being used, in what ways; and I don't think that there is a "insert in this way and you'll get this result" or "keep on the outside and you'll get this result." Just experiment, stay curious.

How does the other toy work? Okay. So you can get these, these toys that I'm talking about, many others and condoms and lube, all at Adam and eve dot com and when you check out after you've filled your shopping cart with all the goodies and you use the promo code doe, D-O-E, my last name, you'll get fifty percent off on eligible items plus free shipping on your whole package to the US and Canada. So this one is called the silicone rechargeable (?~11:18) and rim enhancer, twelve intense functions, two weighted balls, waterproof. This is gonna be fun. No. No, no, no, give me my balls. Okay, show me what you've got. Hi. Hi, Donna. Look at, what do you think? Okay. Charging cord, one ball. This is modeled after (?~11:41) ball and that it has a ball on the outside with a ball on the inside. Hear that? It is kinda janky plastic, this is not something that I would put in myself because it's got a seam, but I can understand putting it in this sleeve and it being safe enough. Alright. If the product is used anally, clean thoroughly before

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using vaginally.

Thank you. Apply lubricant, only use water based, thoroughly read and follow any instructions.

You are not helpful at all. This is what happens. You don't know, you look it up. (?~12:17) how to use the thing.

I was right but I'm still confused. Okay, I need a dick, for real. You will be my balls, and you will be my dick.

So, these are the balls. These are the balls, these are the dick. Dick, balls.

Dick, balls. This one holds the balls, this one holds the dick, this one smashes the anus. Of me or the other person.

Stay curious. It's like balls like this. Balls, dick.

Dick, balls. On this side? Either way.

Then this goes up against the person's mons over here. Hi, little kids. Vanna (?) Turning people lesbian.

I mean, turning people Is... I don't understand. Can be like that one cup game where you swing it you try to get it into the cup but instead you're swinging it and trying to get it into the anus.

No, it's just bunking on your butt.