Hello and welcome to Hankgames without Hank. My name is John Green. I'm the manager of the fifth place AFC Wimbledon Wimbly Womblys, today taking on Sheffield United - a different team from Sheffield! Um... The other team from Sheffield has an owl as their mascot. These guys - swords! They're not messing around.

In a stunning turn of events, it's raining in England. But despite the poor weather, we are going to attempt to continue our winning streak, currently at one game.

Today I'm gonna talk to you about how to write a book, or specifically a novel - more specifically a young adult novel. That's the only thing I've ever written. But as you can see right now, Dicko and Deeney on the bench. Difficult- we've got a- we've kind of have a striker crisis right now, because we have four amazing strikers - obviously we've got the buddy comedy of Dicko and Deeney, and they've had an absolute break-out year for the Wimbly Womblys, no other way to say it... It's been um, just stunning success.

But we also have John Green and John Green, two of the best players in the championship, um... And you know, obviously, two Wimbly Wombly legends. Um, so it's been a fascinating- fascinating turn of events. We went from having really, only John Green and John Green in the strike force, and having to uh- substitute the likes of green eggs and Sheringham - who just, frankly - and these boots were made for Strutton, people who just, frankly are not championship skill level. And we went from that uh, to suddenly having a surplus of talent.

But yes, but to writing- but on to writing books! Um... So there are a lot of ways to write books, and anybody who tells you that their way is the way, that there is a best way, I think is being a little dishonest. Um... I think that uh, you find- you figure out your way, and then it becomes yours and then you don't wanna mess it up. So there's a lot of inefficiencies in my way of writing a book...

Uh, is there a person there? You can come in! Oh, hey Aaron! Um, that was a little weird for a second. I thought it was a troll, because Aaron was bending over and he had a backpack on and I just thought- I thought maybe it was some kind of- there is a bridge nearby... You're not interrupting! How you doing? Ohhhh! Oh, I'm about to be doing better! If- ohhh, John Green couldn't score there. Frustrating.

How was Healthcare Triage today? Good, I'm glad. Aaron Carroll's also written a book, so he can- oh, oh! Cleared off the line because life is full of disappointment and injustice. Um...

I was talking to my neurologist today about you. Yeah, Dr- Dr Bhatt, do you know him? You do know him? What do you think of him? I was very impressed with him neurology-wise, but I also felt like we could be friends. Oh! Oh, this has to be! But it isn't! Inexplicably, Bald John Green fails to finish! The fury!

Uh, I will talk about writing a book at some point, I promise. But right now, I'm focused on other things - neurology. By the way, I don't know if I've mentioned this on the Wimbly Womblys, but I had meningitis! Not recommended. Um, but I'm feeling much better. I'm like- I told Dr Bhatt I was at like, 90%. Um, and he was- he thought that was within the range of normal. A little bit behind, but that he wasn't concerned. I am special! (laughs)

I- I tend to get illnesses, thankfully that uh, are not chronic but that are very weird, um, and make people - in fact, when I told Dr Bhatt today that I've had orbital cellulitis in 2007, he said "from an injury?" and I said "no!" and he said "well then, from what?" and I was like "they don't really know!" and he was like "that's very unusual!" And I was like "I know!" And he was like- he was like, "that's much weirder than getting viral meningitis." (pause)

Yeah! Right. Well, I don't have that much bad luck, because I also- I've had- I've had some good luck as well, alth-oh, I- like just there! Sav- golly gee! Sheffield United hit the post, using their two swords to terrify me... But everything works out better than expected. To be fair, Bald John Green had a- had a goal taken away from him by a ridiculous save, so I think that- I think that it's now tied one-one in my mind. Um, if this game were fair, it would be one-one.

Okay, there we go. There we go! To ya Bamba. Ya Bamba to Bald John Green! Way too long! (laughing) Wayyyyyy too long. That- that was not good. How about that? Yes. Oooo-oooooh! Less Moore with a rocket from outside the box! Sometimes less is Moore!

(sings) He scores with his left, he scores with his right, that less Moore makes some Moore look shite! (talks) Oh, it was beautiful! Remember when we had a guy on our team named some Moore, and then he left? He insisted on being transferred, because he didn't think that the Wimbly Womblys were headed for the big time? Well back then, we were in league two, and now we're scoring goals against Sheffield United in the championship. We're two-one up in my mind, one-nil up in the actual game...

Everything- oh, oh, God. Oh, panic. PANIC! Everything worked out better than expected. Great block! Great block. Um... Aaron, what else is new? You doing any- what did you talk about in Healthcare Triage today, so I can spoil it? News?! What's new- what's new in the world of- what's new in the world of healthcare economics? Cursing?! (pause)

Cursing. Wow. Cursing increases your pain tolerance and reduces the effects of pain. That doesn't surprise me, I have to say. I've only cursed once on the Wimbly Womblys, but it was when I was in terrible, terrible pain. I was in some meningitis pain but also a lot of emotional pain, because of uh- because the Wimbly Womblys were losing. And I did feel a little better afterwards.

That's- that's good to know though. I mean, I did- so when I was - I don't know if I've mentioned this to the Wimbly Wombly supporters - but I was recently hospitalized for meningitis. When I was in the hospital for meningitis, I uh- I cursed a lot when I was in the ER, and I kept saying to the um- I was really sick, not to brag. But I was quite ill. Like, I had a high fever and I was... Like, uh... Diminished consciousness or whatever. Uh, and- but I kept saying (laughing) to the nurse...

First off, I didn't let Sarah come to the hospital because I didn't think I was seriously ill... Uh, and they were like, "do you have a ride?" and I was like "not really!" Uh, and then the doctor was like, "it doesn't matter, 'cause he's not getting out of here." But um... (laughs) but there was a point where- uh...

I kept saying to the nurse um, "I apologize, I'm usually much more charming than this". Which is true! I really was not my most charming. But- but at least I was conscious of it, you know? As I was like, screaming the F word and telling her, when she was like "on a scale on 1 to 10 how much does it hurt?" and I would be like "it hurts an F-ton!" Um... I was like, "I don't know how else to describe it. Like, it's definitely the most pain I've ever had. But I would say like, on a scale of one to ten, it's an F-ton" but I didn't say "F"- because I was- because I was cursing, because apparently, that helped me to deal with my pain.

Maybe I won't talk about how to write a novel today! Maybe I'll just talk about uh... (laughs) Maybe we'll just talk about swearing! Um... It's good to know that swearing is good for you... I wonder if it has any other benefits. I- (pause) Yeah. Oh, oh, oh.

So if you need to get someone to listen to what you're saying, cursing is actually effective. (pause) Oh! Ohhh! God, how did I not steal the ball from the keeper there? Um... You know when I- I did recently have a situation. I rarely- so, I'd like to say that I'm the kind of person who doesn't lose their temper in a business environment a lot, and I don't- Meredith, do I lose my temper in the office very often? No. Do I- have I ever screamed at you or anything like that, or been inappropriate in terms of my anger management? She's saying no, but of course, she's literally getting paid to say that. But I haven't!

I don't- I don't- I'm not somebody who yells at my employees or anything like that. It's just not- it's not uh... It's not who I am, and I don't- I'm not a screamer in general, but when the... When the book- I wrote this book, the Fault in our Stars, and there was a moment when the book leaked to Barnes and Noble pre-orderers and all of this time and money had been spent making sure that everybody would get to read the book at the same time, and I was- I was very angry. Um, and not in like a sweet, funny way.

And I got on the phone with the heads of all of the children's book department at Penguin, and I was cursing so much, and I think it terrified them... Because they'd see me be anything other than like "ohhh, I really appreciate this, thank-" and I was like, "this is totally F'ing unacceptable" and "do you not think that there are other F'ing publishing houses where I could F'ing work?!" and I felt so bad. I called them like two days later, and I was like, "I'm really sorry, this wasn't your fault." They were like, "we know it wasn't our fault". Um... But anyway, yes. The friendship- the friendship survived. But it did- I did feel that I was listened to! I definitely felt that it worked. It was effective.

But the thing is, you can't overuse it. It's like anything. With cursing, you've gotta be very judicious. And then I also think you don't have to necessarily use words that are considered bad. Like, I've got this new cursing strategy where I say a way of preparing food and a disease I dislike, like "steamed Ebola!" And that works...

Ooooh! Steamed Ebola! (sings) Ya ya ya ya ya Bamba! (claps) Ya ya ya ya ya Bamba just scored a goal, just scored a goal, just scored a goal! Ya ya Bamba! Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Ya ya Bamba! (talks) Meredith, should I do it again? Should I go- (sings) Ya ya ya ya ya Bamba! (talks) No, I'm gonna stop there. I'm gonna stop there because I saw the look on your face. You've had enough!

Oh, my God. Ya Bamba puts us two-nil up! The team is- we're playing more like a team. I'm- I'm a little bit better than I used to be, but we also- we play much more like a team now than we used to. We've been- it's the players! We just- we've coalesced a little. We've also have better players on the pitch, but I think a lot of it is just that we- we play with more courage... Um, and we play with more heart, and we play together. We're playing as a team.

For the first time, I feel like all the Wimbly Womblys love each other. Like, they uh- they love their club and they play for each other and they play for their manager. And it's interesting to s- note that when the John Greens are on the pitch, people other than the John Greens score more often, whereas when it's Deeney and Dicko up-front, it's almost always Deeney and Dicko with the goals. The John Greens still a little bit better integrated into the team, so more supportive of the mid-fielders...

But Deeney and Dicko... I mean, just an amazing strike partnership - one for the ages, you know?! The D&D, you know? It's- it was a great role-playing game - still is a great role-playing game - but it's also a wonderful, wonderful way-

God. My God. Girls just wanna have Fundingsrud is slow! I mean, girls just wanna have Fundingsrud might be the slowest nineteen-year-old in the history of the world. Certainly the slowest to like- who's fit and plays professional football. Like, look. Watch! Let me see if I can find him here. Girls just wanna Fundingsrud, are you available? You're the blond in the middle there. Can I get you? Can I get- there! Oh. I'm probably gonna give up a goal doing this, to try to show you guys how slow he is. Oh! I didn't! But I almost did.

However, this gives me a chance to pass to girls just wanna have Fundingsrud to show you- watch- oh no! Not that! Clearly not that! Good lord! Just trying to show you how slow girls just wanna have Fundingsrud is! (laughs) Oh, man! Alright. I think this is gonna work. Yes. Now pass to girls just wanna have Fundingsrud- no, God! How hard can it be to get the ball to a center-back from a goal kick?!

My- anyway, watch him run. Oh, he doesn't have the ball now. Watch! I mean, could he be slower? No. He couldn't. By the way, Sheffield United - not a great football club. Uh... In this game, given that I- all I have let them do in the last five minutes is score and it's- oh, girls just wanna have Fundingsrud, for the love of God. For the love of God! Dribble the ball out- God! Oh, my goodness! Everything- everything worked out.

Um, yeah... So cursing! (laughs) We're in favor of it. Next episode will be about writing a novel, I promise. Um... Oh! Oh! Oh? Owwwwww! That was a great idea though, from Dicko. Dicko is just full of fantastic concepts. Um, I love him. As- as I've said- it's D&D, and I love 'em both. I love the D and I love the D. They're just both great players, so...

Today we had a little bit of John Green, a little bit of John Green, a little bit of Dicko... It was just all around a good solid win. We had a ya Bamba goal. Less Moore got on the scoreboard, which almost never happens. I feel- you gotta feel great for him by the way. Like, there's a guy who's been with the Wimbly Womblys since they were literally in league two.

And then- I mean, Sheffield United with a million opportunities... Just could not finish. Seb Brown, with another beautiful, clean sheet! Girls just wanna have Fundingsrud - nothing- nothing recommendable about his game today, but he's a good- he's a good man and he's got a nice Roman- Roman-esque nose, which is always good.

Ohhh, and our opponents are squatting in shame. I love it! Thanks for watching. Best wishes.