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John Green: Oh hey there,, this is John Green, the author of the new book, Paper Towns.  I am here today to share with you some of my advice about romance.  Now, I know what you're thinking, what does this dude who is clearly sitting on the floor of a hotel room in San Antonio, Texas have to tell me about love?  You don't want romantic advice from me, you want romantic advice from Edward Cullen.  Listen, I don't blame you, but Edward Cullen is unavailable to give romantic advice and I'll tell you why: he doesn't exist.

Sorry!  And I am sort of an expert in romance, my new book Paper Towns is all about love and loss and the way they intertwine, and I have successfully gotten married to an awesome girl, which, you know, means that I did something right.  So, okay, listen, as far as I can tell, everybody in the world falls into one of four camps: you are either a dumpee who is currently in a relationship, you are a dumper who is currently in a relationship, you are a dumpee who is not in a relationship or you are a dumper who is not in a relationship.  Now, you may be saying to yourself, I am neither a dumpee nor a dumper, and to which I would say, mmm, you are definitely one or the other.  You may not know which one you are yet, but I suspect that if you look deep into your heart, it will be revealed to you.

Okay, first, I want to talk to the dumpees.  My people.  Listen, dumpees, if you're in a relationship, fight the clingy urge.  I know it's hard, you wanna call and text and Facebook poke, but the weird thing about being clingy is that in the end, you don't get what you want, which is more attention.  Dumpees who aren't currently in relationships, it's okay.  

And now to the dumpers.  Dumpers who are not currently in a relationship, please stay away from my dumpees.  They don't deserve what you're going to do to them.  Sorry, even though I know that it's wrong, sometimes I can be a little bit anti-dumper.  Dumpers who are currently in a relationship, just please be patient with us, we're only needy because you're so distant.  

But regardless of where you are on the dumper/dumpee spectrum, and regardless of whether you're currently in a relationship, there is one thing you should always remember: the better you do at imagining what it's like to be other people, the happier you'll be.  And it's all gonna work out in the end, I mean, not happily, but it's gonna work out, like, I hope you understand that all relationships end, breakup, divorce, or death.  I mean, unless you can get with a vampire.  That's really the only solution.  In fact, in the end, that is my relationship advice: muddle through, and try to imagine other people, or else, get with a vampire.

Thanks for being awesome, take care.