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In which John discusses the top 10 amazing power moves--both offensive and defensive--in the animal kingdom. From giraffes to frogs to acid-ejecting beetles, animals have some awfully bizarre and awesome survival behaviors.

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A Bunny
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Good morning, Hank, it's Wednesday.

Great top ten list on Monday, today it's time for my top ten list: Top Ten Animal Power Moves!

...God I love power moves.

Power move number ten belongs to the Bombardier beetle. Hank, when the Bombardier beetle is threatened, it turns around and sprays boiling hot acid out of it's butt!

Power move number nine: giraffes. You know how I love giraffes, Hank. Giraffes are like the Chuck Norris of the animal kingdom. When they roundhouse kick you, you forget what time it is. A giraffe kick has been known to decapitate a lion!

Power move number eight, and one of my personal favorites comes from Cantor's giant softshell turtle. Now Hank, we know the power move for regular turtles, it's their hard green shells, and we know the power move for red turtles, it's their heat seeking red shells. But the power move for a softshell turtle is motionlessness. Yes, Hank, Cantor's softshell turtle covers himself with sand in a riverbank and then sits completely still for 23 1/2 hours a day, moving only when something crosses his path that he can eat. That actually sounds a lot like my life, only Cantor's softshell turtle gets to live on the beach and I have to live in Indianapolis.

Power move number seven belongs to Trichobatrachus Robustus, which is a frog, and when he's threatened, he breaks a bone in his own foot and then uses the bone fragment from his compound fracture as a claw to stab you!

Power move number six is the cuttlefish. So Hank, cuttlefish can turn into crazy colors. They can light up blue and green and orange and yellow, and they'll swim over to some prey, and they'll start lighting up, as if to say "here's the party! Check it out! I'm a disco ball! Come and party with me! This is a crazy rave! OH WAIT! You just got eaten."

Power move number five: baby potato beetles. Hank, grown up potato beetles have hard shells, which makes it harder for predators to eat them, but baby potato beetles don't. Fortunately, they have poisonous poop. It's so rare in life that the word 'fortunately' precedes the words 'they have poisonous poop.' So what the baby potato beetles do is they poop and then they cover their whole bodies in that poisonous poop to discourage predators. Power move!

Power move number four: Mabra elephantophila. Hank, we all know that elephants have awesome power moves like stomping, and painting pictures, but I would argue that the moth Mabra elephantophila has an even better power move, which is feasting on the tears of elephants. Yes, Hank, there is a moth that gets most of it's sustenance from eating elephant tears, and when the elephants aren't crying enough on their own, the moth will go in and scratch at their eyes to make them cry more.

Power move number three: the Australian funnel-web spider. Hank, everybody in America is so afraid of Black Widow spiders, but funnel-web spiders in Australia are like for real with their power moves. For instance, they're very aggressive, and their fangs can shoot through human fingernails. That's so scary someone had to call me about it.

Power move number two: the duck billed platypus. Hank, not only are platypi one of the very few mammals that lay eggs, they also have a sixth sense--no joke--called 'electrolocation.' Platypi can use their fat little bills to sense electromagnetic fields, which means that the moment one of their predators moves a muscle, literally contracts a muscle, the platypi knows which direction that muscle is headed. It's like a literal superpower only it's contained inside of a glorified beaver.

And Hank, my number one power move in the animal kingdom goes to camponotus saundersi, a carpenter ant. So Hank, when this ant is in a fight and he notices that he's going to lose, instead of like fighting to the death or whatever, he gets as close to his prey as possible, and then blows himself up. These ants have these poisonous glands that run the entire length of their body, and when they realize they're about to lose a fight, they contract their abdominal muscles so intensely that they're entire body explodes, sending the poison flying.

Nerdfighters, I can't wait to read your favorite animal power moves in the comments. It's been fascinating to read about all of the diseases that you have.

Hank, I will see you and your last top ten list on Friday, don't forget to be awesome.