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In which John stands on a table, which is harder than it sounds. Scott ( and Justine ( are very generous, and very mean. The money went to Doctors without Borders, Firstbook, and Ashanet.


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A Bunny
( - -)
((') (')
Willy, come to me. Come to me in my time of need. Hold me.

Good morning, Hank, it's Sunday, some snowy day in December, and today I am going to conquer one of my greatest phobias: heights.

Should I have Willy tell this story instead of me telling it? Maybe so. (Yeti: It'll be easier to cope)

Willy: Okay, so John recently went to an author party with Scott Westerfeld and Justine Larbalestier, and they were teasing him about his profound fear of heights. And they pointed to a table in a hotel room and said, "How much would it cost for you to stand on top of that table?"

So John had to come up with a monetary figure that was high enough that he wouldn't have to stand on the table, but low enough that he wouldn't seem entirely crazy for being unwilling to stand on top of the table due to his profound fear of heights. And the number he finally came up with? $5,000. To which Scott Westerfeld and Justine Larbalestier said, "Okay." And then offered to make a donation of five thousan--agh, Willy! You are supposed to be telling the story, not licking! And then offered him a donation of $5,000 to his favorite charities if he would stand on top of the table.

And then, being my courageous owner, I'm sure you can imagine what John did next: he completely failed to get on top of the table because he is a gigantic wuss.

But Scott and Justine agreed to extend the deadline of table-standing until today, so today I am going to stand on top of a table. For the children.

I mean, people are gonna think that I'm literally crazy. Can we take my pulse for the purposes of showing that I am legitimately afraid? What do you think it is? (Yeti: I don't know, it's high.)

I don't think getting on the table will be hard at all, I think that standing on the table will be exceptionally hard. So. I guess I just. [nervous laughter] I can't do it. I liter-- I don't think I can do it, man. (Yeti: Get on the table!)

Oh my God... I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And then I'm gonna, I'm gonna stand up on the table and I'm gonna get right
back down. Okay, can we have another countdown? I'm gonna stand up on the table, I'm gonna get right back down. I'm gonna go right now, I'm gonna go. I'm up. F**k! Okay, I'm on the table!

[sighing with nervous relief, then laughing with pride] Yes! [singing] I got on the table, I stood on the table! Yes, $5,000!

Hank, I don't want to brag, but I think that today I have shown a lot of, you know, physical courage. I have proven once and for all that Nerdfighters are tough. It's like Franklin Delano Roosevelt said: We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and heights.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Willy! Let's run through the snow together! This way this way this way!