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In which John attacks the relentlessly bad new show The Marriage Ref, lambastes the president of NBC Jeff Zucker for his comments about YouTube and user-generated content, becomes furious while discussing the pre-empting of the closing ceremonies of the winter Olympics, and shares with you his husky voice.

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A Bunny
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Good morning, Hank. It's Monday. Sorry about the hoarseness, but the tiny chickens have migrated down into my throat. Hank, you'll notice that I am apologizing to you for my husky voice, but I am not apologizing to our female viewers. To them I say, "You're welcome."

Okay Hank, in important Nerdfighteria news, Ningmaster Tom is conscious. He has been able to speak to his family, but he still has a long way to go in his recovery, and we're going to be there with him as a community on that entire journey. Nerdfighters, you can go to the Ning to see a letter from Tom's family about how much they appreciate your letters. Keep those letters coming to NINGMASTERTOM@GMAIL.COM, and if you want to participate in a collab video for Tom, you can click here... On my hand.

So Hank, more on Tom in a minute, but yesterday I was watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympic Games, and it was just getting to the awesome part, the part with giant, inflatable beavers. Off topic, but someone should write a novel called, "Giant Inflatable Beavers." ... in your pants. And as I was watching those giant inflatable beavers, there was suddenly a Bob Costas voice-over, and he was like, "and now, time for the Marriage Ref." Which if you don't live in America, is a new television show. It's the closing ceremonies of Jerry Seinfeld's career. Alright Hank, because I know you didn't see the show, I'm going to summarize it for you in twenty seconds.

A married couple who are the kind of people who desire to be on reality shows and therefore unlikeable, have a disagreement. Let's say one of them wants to stuff their dead dog and the other one wants to bury it. The couple introduces us to their disagreement, three Hollywood celebrities make some jokes and then decide the winner of the argument. Spoiler alert: the dog gets buried.

Hank, aside from being astonishingly unfunny, the Marriage Ref is also profoundly insulting to Americans. It's condescending, aggressively anti-intellectual and wrongly supposes that Americans want advice from celebrities. Celebrities, we don't want your advice, we want your break-ups and your nipple slips.
That's not why I am shouting myself hoarse about the Marriage Ref though, Hank. Here's my problem. Jeff Zucker, the head of NBC Universal, (could you look any douchier? Oh yeah, he could). Is fond of saying in interviews that YouTube is great for looking at pictures of squirrels on trampolines. In fact he has said, advertisers have been clear, they don't want their ads next to cats on skateboards.

Dude, you're spending millions of dollars on programming about dog taxidermy. One could argue that your house is not perfectly equipped for stone throwing.

You know what, Jeff Zucker? You're right. Advertisers find you more attractive than they find me. Although that might change when they hear my husky voice. But the difference between NBC and Nerdfighteria is that Nerdfighteria is not in the advertiser fellating business. We're in the pond sand filter business. And the Haitian relief business. And the funny Pizza shirt business (available til Wednesday. Link in the doobly doo). And our biggest business of all is taking care of each other.

I love Nerdfighteria because it is a place for people who have felt on the outside looking in to be on the inside of something awesome and important. And Hank, I've never loved Nerdfighteria more than in the last few days, seeing hundreds of emails coming to Tom and his family wishing them well.

Jeff Zucker, Nerdfighteria may be nothing but a YouTube based community, but we are more real than all your reality shows combined. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I don't see any cats, and I don't see any skateboards. Which you might have noticed if you didn't have your head so far up the ass of a gigantic, inflatable beaver.

Jeff Zucker, I'll see you when you apply for a job as head of Nerdfighteria programming in five years. Hank, I'll see you on Wednesday.