[Intro]

[*Party blower Tetris alarm*]

John: Ugh... OK, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. Party blower solo.

Good morning, Hank. you're in the hotel room right next to me so I should probably just say "Good morning, Nerdfighters, and welcome to a day in our life On Tour."

First, the iPhone alarm clock goes off at some ungodly hour in the morning. Then I brush my teeth while trying to answer questions about my hair such as "How did that happen?"

Then I meet up with Hank and Katherine in the hallway. Good morning, mister!

Hank: Mmm.

Katherine: Talk about fun houses-

John: Aww, yeaaah. Cheetah time! Library elevator! The mouse is hungry. For knowledge.

Time to load up the minivan!

And then, we drive while our friend, Ellen, tells us how to get where we're going.

Katherine: Aaah!

John: Oh, traffic. You're so fun to get stuck in.

Sometimes I strain to appreciate natural beauty while cars drive past. Look, natural beauty!

Katherine: It's a truck!

John: Stupid truck. Stupid crane, I'm trying to appreciate natural beauty!

Then I live-broadcast myself on BlogTV.com while inside the minivan due to Hank's miraculous contraption.

Hello, me! How are you doing? I can see my eyes in my eyes!

And then we'll just be having a perfectly polite conversation and Katherine will be like, "Have you guys ever wondered about COWS!?" She's so good at Cows!

Katherine: They come out of nowhere. You've gotta be ready.

John: And finally we arrive in Pittsburgh whereupon I begin to contemplate how I will pwn Maureen Johnson.

Hey, Maureen.

Maureen: Hey!

John: Why are we mortal enemies?

Maureen: (*sigh*) Because everywhere you go, John, you cross my name out of "Let it Snow" and you sign my books.

John: Can't we just, like, have a truce?

Maureen: (*sigh*) I suppose we could. I mean, I'm sure that they are some- alright.

John and Maureen: Aww...

Audience: (*SCREAMING*)

John: HI! Wow!

Speaker (reading from "Paper Towns"): But really, wouldn't you worry? I mean, we've been dating for five weeks and you've never taken me to his house.

Hank and the audience (singing "Accio Deathly Hallows*): Now give me my book or go to hell! 'Cause I need Harry Potter like a Grindylow needs water and as Saturday approaches, my need grows! Oh, Accio Deathly Hallows, Incendio book sales embargoes. It'll feel like phoenix tears on a broken nose!

(Footage from a book signing with John and Maureen)

John: Then, late at night, we get to a hotel. I go to bed and then I wake up early the next morning and do it all again. It would be tiring if Nerdfighters weren't so incredibly awesome and also if I didn't keep getting amazing shirts like this Culver Creek T-shirt complete with a swan.

Nerdfighters, I look forward to seeing many of you in Kansas City and St. Paul. Hank, I'll see you in the morning.

Katherine [I think]: Yeah! Woo!