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Duration:08:31
Uploaded:2014-02-02
Last sync:2017-08-01 21:30
John Green matches up against defending Gregory champion, Andrew Gregory in a WikiBattle to end all WikiBattles. Who will prevail in this captivating championship match?!?!

The match was called by two of the top WikiWars sportscasters of our time, Bob Seymour and Florence White

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(WikiWars intro)

Florence: Welcome back to WikiWars. I'm Florence White-

Bob: and I'm Bob Seymour.

Florence: Today we have one of the most highly anticipated battles of the season.

Bob: That's right, Florence. We have John Green from the Vlogbrothers matching up against Andrew Gregory, the defending Gregory champion.

Florence: Both nerds at the top of their game.

Andrew: Andrew Gregory. Swarthmore College. Defending champion. Religion, with a special focus on the anthropology of South Eastern Asia.

John: John Green. Kenyon College. Religious studies. (pause) Also, English literature.

Bob: Well we've got two religion majors and we're about to see who God loves more!

Florence: Let's go to the field where Referee McGee is starting the match.

Referee McGee: Alright boys. Let's have a nice, clean game. Play nice. Play fair. No kicking under the table. You have to get to the other page by using only hyperlinks, Apple F and apple bracket or the back button.

Referee McGee: Alright. 

John: Cheers!

Referee McGee: May the nerdiest man win. (everyone claps) Are you ready for your first match?

John: We're ready.

Referee McGee: The subject for the first page is twerking. Are you both on twerking?

John: I'm on twerking.

Referee McGee: The second page, your destination page, is copper. As in the substance that pennies are made out of.

Bob: And they're off. Now, this may be the first time I've seen a video on a Wikipedia page!

Florence: Very interesting. This could be a real sand trap. John Green clicking away immediately, while Andrew seems to be a little mesmerized by twerking. 

Bob: Many great men have fallen for that very reason. Samson, Oedipus, Anthony Weiner, Robin Thicke...

Florence: And many women too.

Bob: Yes, and as you can see here, it's also one of the biggest exercise crazes of 2013. Along with prancer size, of course.

Florence: Andrew using his extensive language of African minerals to his advantage.

Bob: Yes, you never know when you're going to need to pull the mineral card out of your back-pocket.

Florence: Why, just yesterday, I got out of a speeding ticket by chatting about zinc!

Bob: And now John is in the realm of metal, as well!

Florence: Neck-and-neck. Very exciting!

Bob: Yes. It's as though John is sinking a third three pointer, while Andrew is seeking a field goal.

Florence: I mean I understand your analogy Bob, but they really are inferior sports.

Bob: Haha. You're damn right Florence. That's why WikiWars is America's favorite past-time.

Florence: Now, this is interesting, Bob. They both seem to have hit a plateau around the same time.

Bob: Yes, and is this because of poorly linked articles or simply because of a lack of knowledge about the Kingdom of Luba?

Florence: I do love to scuba down Luba.

Bob: Luba doesn't even exist anymore, Florence. And even if it did, everybody knows that's a grassy marshland.

Florence: Fine.

Bob: Oh! And Andrew misses copper! That may really hurt him later.

Florence: John clearly panicking.

John: "Panic."

Bob: With good reason. Ninety instances of the word metal on this page. I don't see a single hyperlink.

Florence: That's apple effing unlucky!

Bob: Andrew's onto metal. (Florence inhales sharply) Will he make it all the way?

John: Oh, for the love of god.

Andrew: I'm there.

Bob: He will!

Florence: He did!

John: Oh. I am also there.

?: Andrew called "I'm there" before you. 

John: He was there. No, Andrew- Andrew was there before I was.

Andrew: Oh.

?: Valiant. Valiant though.

John: I'll tell you what doesn't link to fucking copper. Metal detector!

Andrew: Do you know what else doesn't link to copper?

John: What?

Andrew: Is the Kingdom of Luba. The pre-colonial central African state. Despite the fact that it's main export was copper. 

(John laughs)

Referee McGee: Your first page will be David Tennant. As in the 10th Doctor Who.

John: Oh, I know who David Tennant is. Thank you though. This bodes well for me.

Andrew: Off sides. Illegal tabs! You got two tabs open. 

Andrew: Oh. I was just um- I was just curious about Lucian Freud. And um- his role in English painting.

Referee McGee: Oh, I didn't know it sold for that much. Your second page will be the 95 theses.

Florence: Andrew will likely take his signature geographic route. Oh yes, he does. Unfortunately he does not realize David Tennant is actually Scottish.

Bob: In a sport in which every second counts, that could really cost him. Now, it looks like John knows that Harry Potter fans write some of the most-thoroughly linked Wikipedia articles,

Florence: You should see the article for Quidditch. It's a beauty to behold.

Bob: (laughs) Oh, I have seen it. In my time announcing, it's come up at least four dozen times.

Florence: Andrew is still on the BBC page. I'm beginning to wonder if he thinks the 95 theses is the prequel to Downton Abbey. 

Bob: Give him a little credit, Florence. And it looks like John is just about three clicks away-

John: There.

Bob: Tremendous!

(everyone ooooh's and claps)

Referee McGee: The two religion majors pitted up against each other. (John laughs)

Andrew: That was- that was- I was crushed.

John: I went through Harry Potter, and I suspected you didn't.

Andrew: No!

John: Yeah that's always- Harry Potter is always the way. Harry Potter to fantasy to supernatural to um- Lutheranism to the 95 theses.

Andrew: That is going to make Lutheran so mad.

Referee McGee: The starting point will be solar power. It's that thing where you get energy from the sun. Your end point - for all the marbles - will be General Custer.

Bob: You can feel the tension in the air. There's just so much weighing on this last round!

Florence: There really is, Bob. John dealt a blow to Andrew's ego in Round 2 by beating him in their shared area of specialty.

Bob: Yes, it was all over so fast. I don't care how much wiki experience you have. That kind of defeat, can really affect your play down the stretch!

Florence: Now, I wonder if John's secondary strategy of carousing might be a factor to consider here as well.

Bob: We did see John walking with a six-pack, and I think five of them went to Andrew! But he seems to be back on his game now! He's in the US while John is stuck in the sciences!

Florence: Oh, if only the page for photovoltaic was written by a Harry Potter fan-boy!

Bob: Andrew's stuck in the citations. This may be a long match!

Florence: And now he's scrolling erratically. I just don't know what to make of this.

Bob: It really isn't like him. Yuengling is a hell of a drug!

Andrew: Oh, golly gosh.

John: I'm nowhere. I'm essentially- I'm essentially- I'm gone!

?: Stay in there, Green!

John: Can someone link to the United States Wikipedia page?!

Bob: Some uncharacteristic conversation on the court.

Florence: Neither player employing a very good poker face.

Bob: I understand the comparison, Florence, but poker is a child's game, and this is a grown-ass sport!

Florence: Why are you yelling, Bob?

Bob: Because I have passion! You should try it some time!

Florence: I have passion, too.

Bob: Why is your hand on my leg? Oh, and John's onto the French and Indian wars!

Florence: Yes, he's virtually tied with Andrew, who's on American Indian wars.

Bob: Yes, but who will come out on top?

Florence: Andrew's searching Custer. Is it there?

Bob: Is it there?

Andrew: I'm there!

Everyone: Ahhhh!

John: Ahhh! (Sarah comforts John)

Andrew: Really get the heart- the heart right up. I got lost in a painting about the declaration of independence. They didn't link to the declaration of independence!

John: -fucking Custer! I was a link away! I just- I panicked!

Andrew: You know what, John? I'm just gonna say that the sense of victory I feel right now... is the lack of sense of victory that Apollo Creed must have felt (John laughs) after the fight - he thought he was Rocky. Because I feel like I've walked away the loser, really.

John: It's been an honor. Yeah, it's great to lose to you. (everyone claps)

(WikiWars flames)

Buddy: Andrew, congratulations on a great match. That last round was really a doozy. You were ahead from the start, sort of let John back into the door... Could you tell us, what was going on in your head at that point?

Andrew: You know, first of all, I just wanna send my utmost thanks to the J W on high - Jimmy Wales. There's a reason he has the greatest head shot on all of Wikipedia, 'cause he's the man, the creator, the founder of Wikipedia. That last match, you know, I thought it'd be easier to get to Indians from the Declaration of Independence, but I got lost in a painting. Sometimes you wanna command F, the command F, you know, really F's you up! I just got lost down in the- the hyperlinks. It's not gonna happen again in the next round.

Buddy: Well, congratulations on your championship! A fantastic match. (shake hands)

Buddy: John, you played an incredible match. How do you feel like- being an away-game, was there a home-field advantage for the Gregory's here tonight?

John: Oh, absolutely. I mean, they have more experience with Wikipedia. They have more experience with their own computers... I didn't feel totally comfortable - my screen was smaller than Andrew's screen. I'm not making excuses - I'm acknowledging facts.

Buddy: Well, the match may have gone Andrew, but you claimed bragging rights in your own area of expertise!

John: That's right. So I feel like uh, where my knowledge shone through, I was clearly the dominant player. It was in the- look, I'm not gonna be able to go to anything from twerking. That's not who I am as a person, that's not who I am as a WikiWars player, so.... I- I'm disappointed I didn't win, but uh, I feel like I did Kenyon College proud tonight.

Buddy: Congratulations on a great match! Back to you, Florence.

Florence: Thanks Buddy. A thrilling conclusion to the battle of the nerds. Thanks for joining us here on Wiki Network.

Bob: And stay tuned next week for the celebrity match-up of Brian Cranston versus Drake. Sponsored by the Kingdom of Luba, grasslands galore! Book your travel today!